The relationship ended. No great reason, no explanation. Things just took a hard turn and fell apart. So, maybe looking back, there were some warning signs of problems. Communication was difficult (maybe non-existent, at times) or emotions would flare for no apparent reason. However, there was nothing significant enough to justify such a negative end to a relationship that started so well. Nothing justified actions that would cause so much hurt!
This scenario is all too common. When it happens… we want answers. Why did they cheat? Why did they change? Why did we stop moving forward? Why did their love turn to hate? Why don’t they care about my feelings? What did I do wrong? How could they just cut me off… cold turkey? Why won’t they talk to me and allow me to have closure?
There is one word that sits at the core of all of this confusion… selfishness.
Selfishness is the root cause of many broken hearts. It is a slow flowing poison that erodes, burns, and sears the bonds of relationships. Strong relationships have a foundation that is based on the ability to grow to love. Selfishness is the direct opposite of love. Love gives, but selfishness takes.
Being selfish involves a lot of “I” and has no room for “we”. Relationships and love are about togetherness; walking together as one. It’s pretty difficult to walk together with someone who has no concern for your presence or pace. Thus, if you enter a relationship with a selfish person (or if you are a selfish person), your relationships will not last.
Here are 6 characteristics of selfishness in a relationship:
1. Selfishness introduces conditions – Selfish people have an attitude that says, “If you, then I.” If you meet their immediate needs or desires, then they may remain in the relationship. Their focus is not on adding to the life of the one they are with. They desire to have things added unto them. The downside of this is, in their quest to be added to, they may not even realize or care how much they are cutting down (or dividing) the person they are with. (Relationship Coaching: Do you multiply or divide?).
2. Selfishness breeds lies and manipulation – Selfish people have a very narrow focus. They are focused on getting what they want, when they want it. Instead of seeing others’ opinions, feelings, and desires as guides (things to consider)… they view them as obstacles (things to get around). This mindset makes it very easy for selfish people to introduce subtle forms of manipulation and lies into a relationship. Over time, as they learn more about you, the manipulation becomes strategic and they are able to get their way faster and more often.
3. Selfishness will lead to hurt – Selfish people will abuse your heart to get whatever they are ultimately seeking. Once you can no longer provide… they will leave you. Dating with selfish goals is wrong and will lead to hurt, disappointment, bitterness and delusional feelings about love.
4. Selfishness blocks the building of trust – Loving with condition is based in selfishness and selfishness will never allow you to give someone the benefit of the doubt. If you do not offer the benefit of the doubt in a relationship, you will never understand what it’s like to love freely. Instead, you will live in situations where you never trust that the other person has your best interest in mind. (Relationships: One Little-Known Factor that could affect your Relationship)
5. Selfishness has roots in insecurity – Selfish people focus on covering themselves because, deep down, they really don’t believe anyone else will truly have their back. They have deep-rooted pain that causes them to feel inadequate in some way. Instead of getting help for their pain, they overcompensate; they convince themselves and others that they are perfectly confident. Unfortunately, this causes them to think more highly of themselves than they ought to (Romans 12:3). (Relationship Coaching: 9 ways to overcome insecurities)
6. Selfishness is impossible – When people want you to accept them as they are, but they expect you to be perfect… they are selfish. It is impossible to have a lasting relationship that is pleasing to God if you both are not willing to learn what it means (and do what it takes) to grow together as one.
Closing Thought:
If you realize that you have a selfish motive, or any bad motive, for desiring a relationship… take a step back and make an intentional decision to resolve the situation. In the end, you will avoid hurting someone else, or even yourself. Always date with integrity. People were not created by God to be used to numb our personal pain or to be our “right now” while we wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Have you practiced selfishness in relationships? Simply admit it and make the corrections. There is no shame in becoming more of who God would have you to be.
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I think this is so true! Not just in relationships but frienships as well.
Yes, this can be applied to friendships as well
I can bear witness to everything you shared above, particularly the points you made about manipulation. In some of my past relationships I’ve been made to feel as though I was selfish for making a simple request. Also I’ve found that selfish people (men & women) ask for too much too soon. It seems to me that even believers in Christ have taken on the attitude that “It’s all about me.” Whatever happened to having a servant’s heart? Thanks for this post. I’ve definitely missed your writing.
@Alana you are on point….especially about the statement about brothers and sisters in Christ. People are more interested in taking from people instead of serving people.
This article is so very true that words cannot explain. The last relationship I was in followed this pattern almost to the letter. I hate to admit it that I even saw that some of my actions had their root in selfishness also. I am grateful that God show us our missteps and allows us to correct them if we so desire. Thanks for the article, it is just confirmation.
The important thing my friend is that you have taken accountability in the situation and hopefully you learn from your part. Nothing you can do about him other than pray, but you can do a lot about the role you play. I am so happy this is blessed in you in a powerful way…my friend.
May the good lord bless you with this kind of teachings your proving us with.This blog has tought me so many thins I did not realise about myself.Thank you very much.
Thank you my friend…To God be the glory. So happy you were blessed.
JUST EXCELLENT!!!!!
Thank you!
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out when the other person is being selfish, because if you’re unhappy too often or if you can’t seem to have your concerns addressed in a timely manner and when you speak up for yourself it leads to an arguement! For me it’s time to back off and re-evaluate your agenda and theirs! Whatever you do, don’t be an enabler!
That’s right brother.
Well said!
[…] help us stand on faith and wait for the perfect peace of God. 4. Love is selfless. Read here -> 6 Reasons Selfishness Will Destroy Your Relationship 5. Love doesn’t play with the hearts of others. Love people enough to not play strings with their […]
Interesting read but very true
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[…] Follow the Series: •Part 1: 6 Reasons Selfishness Will Destroy Your Relationship […]
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on point!
[…] the Series: – Part 1: 6 Reasons Selfishness Will Destroy Your Relationship – Part 2: 5 Things You Must Know About Selfish […]
I am in a relationship with a very selfish person, the more I give, the more he takes up until I cannot give anymore. I am a very selfless person and would give you the bread that I am about to eat if I see you hungry. I just thought that if I love enough and I’d give enough that somehow this person will ultimately give even just a little. I helped him with everything all his needs I obliged, and when I can no longer provide more or of no use to him anymore, I have become disposable. Up to the point where he asked me that he’d be able to date other people while staying with him as his wife even if he doesn’t love me…turning it all around as if was my fault from the beginning why the relationship didn’t work…. selfish people don’t give, they only want to receive and receive and receive………………until you have nothing anymore to give…..
I hear ya. This is what worked for me: Reminded myself that my own mental and physical health is absolute top priority if I want to be a giver, of service, to someone worthy of my time, and that getting emotional (angry, etc.) over the other’s disrespect, selfishness, and excessive pride only serves to destroy my own mental and physical health, which then greatly limits my capacity to help others (and from a larger perspective, to be of service to God, if you happen to believe). That others are selfish and disrespectful shows that they are wasting their own lives and will pay for it dearly (Heaven knows everyone’s hearts), but for you and I, we need to make it a top priority to emotionally and physically distance ourselves from them. Difficult at first, but necessary, and you will succeed if you don’t give up. The reason for distancing ourselves is that emotionally connecting with evil people (regarding selfishness as evil) occurs just by the sheer thought of them, even if we are wholly against their evil. No different than two phone lines connecting. And you will know that you are connecting because the thoughts of their disrespect will make you mentally and physically weaker and hence less capable of living the full life that God destined everyone for. The way for me to totally disconnect is to remind myself that, that they are extremely selfish, negative, and disrespectful is absolutely, ABSOLUTELY none of my business. They can go destroy themselves, but I’ll have none of it, and I refuse to get emotional (angry, sad, etc.) over those petty individuals, because God wants humans to walk the proper path, and to give another second of our time by thinking about them is to waste God’s time by destroying ourselves through emotionally connecting to their bilious, venomous nature (heart). Spiritual lesson learned (speaking only for myself): Love others, care for others, be a giver (not a taker), but no matter what, remain emotionally disconnected from the evil nature of others. This way, even if I’m dealing with the most severe case of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) in another individual, I can keep my emotional distance, not be emotionally affected, and be of support to others without weakening myself. Hope this helps. This reply is not meant to offend anyone (because everyone’s situation is unique), and I’m only sharing how I became stronger from this process.
haieeeeeeeee family… pls read that..
My last relationship was with what is clearly a selfish person. I expressed to her that all I wanted was to feel appreciated and loved and she acted like she never understood. I have always believed in loving unconditionally and accepting people for who they are. However with her, the more of myself and did things to make her happy, the more insecure, and unhappy I became in the relationship. In time, I began to stand up for myself and that is when the relationship took the downturn. Having a relationship with a selfish person is toxic. I wish we could all understand and practice Love as God loves us.
[…] Love Panky’s article: How to Stop Selfish People From Hurting you and follow it up with 6 Reasons Selfishness Will Ruin Your Relationship by Quintin […]
This article hit the nail on the head. So many times I question if I am the one in the wrong (not saying I’m completely right, but atleast someone describes how I’m feeling, and did it right on!) It’s nice to hear things like this to make it better. Thanks for writing:)
Learning to be unselfish seems to be the hardest change.
Selfish behavior is the destroyer of ALL relationships! Especially our most important relationship…Our relationship with God!!
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love.
1 John 4:8
Thank you for writing and sharing this. This may have saved a relationship from ending. Only time will tell!
I live in a suburban home at thecage of twenty-four with my parents because i have fallen into a financial crisis. Barely making ends meet. Can’t afford a car. Working part time to start putting some money in a savings account. I started to see things negatively instead of being grateful. Saying things God knows i should have kept my mouth shut during stressful tims yet I lashed out extremely at my potentially future husband. I said some of the meanest cruelist things out of spite, anger, resentment. Telling him he doesn’t do anything. Saying we need to start saving if we ever wanf a great future together. My insecurities festered to a point where we were both starting bringing out old wounds we so wanted to close up. I told him to man the eff up because we are not kids any more. I know I don’t want to be living at my parents house any longer and i basically pushed my responsibility, hurt, and pain On him. I would so like to work things out between us. No matter what. Our biggest issue is being completely open with each other. When I started doing so, i started to think i felt so much better. He started to resent it reason is he isnt always easy to talk to. When I do become honest with him. he gets to be so touchy, angry , gives a short temper. When i am overwhelmed I’d like him to be around. Wifh no car, no public transportation. I have to walk 4 miles to his house from where i live. Which. i have done couple of times at a half way point from the local mall to his house. 2.3 miles. I’d wish we would talk things out come by and see me like he use to. Now its all distant and blames. Is there any hope in mending our life as a whole again?
I do struggle with trust, reason is my own issues and many attempts to forgive. I was abused, physically, mentally, emotionally by my parents. All those pains have been released in a negative way. i grew up in a home where to teach a child is to base it upon control. For a long time now still living under their roof it is still about control not so extensive… Because of that i have taken what i have learned and developed it into a terrible habit. It is so wrong to do. Everything in my life was manipulation and control. Took that and based it to my current relationship. My parents always favored siblings and the notion i got was because I didn’t do everything they wanted me to be. My insecurity and selfishness to entitlement for all the wrongs my parents did to me he’d make it right. But that burden is to much for a man to take on all on his own.
in today world every person is selfish
like some parents for their children
for fullfil the needs what they want
and if they dont fullfill the needs they start robbery in rich houses where they work
This year has been quite a year of transformation. I have not only realized that my problems were caused by selfishness, but pretty much every other problem, especially where relationships are involved come from selfishness.
I feel that I was rather the worst when it comes to selfishness. Unfortunately, selfishness is all over society, being promoted and advertised at the expense of relationships and friendships. I have come to realize that there is true joy in doing for others and being a giver. Takers are miserable. How do I know? It takes one to know one.
I believe that when we can get over ourselves, then we can have meaningful relationships. The key is to not only provide for the other person, but also to not expect anything back.
This post relates to me. I am a selfish person. I had a nice relationship with a man, then we got engaged and he traveled to seek a better job opportunity in order for us to make a good living in the future. However, the moment he traveled, I lost the support that he used to give me, and at the time that he needed me the most to stand besides him, all I was doing is nagging and saying how hard it was on me. And I continued to pity myself without caring much about how difficult this was on him. Until one day, all the love was gone from my side. But I knew that he was a great guy and that I might not find someone better. So when things obviously became bad between us, instead of letting go of him and be honest, I was doing everything to keep him with me, because I felt safe with him and protected. It was torturing him because I was giving him false hopes, and it was torturing me knowing that I don’t love that person enough anymore. We just definitively broke up, after many tries to get back together. I now look at myself with shame and regret. I feel that if I stopped thinking about myself too much and putting myself first, I would have helped him a lot in overcoming the difficulties he was facing, therefore he would’ve felt more comfortable to take care of our relationship which he neglected for a while thinking that I will support him and take care of our love for a while so he can fix our other problems. Selfishness is a disease that can destroy pure feelings. You might think that selfish people are unable to have true and honest feelings. But it’s wrong! I think that everyone has the potential to have pure Love, but preserving this love is a hard work not only as a team (couple) but also as individuals. We should not let our demons take control over our minds, even though they are very deceiving and it’s hard to spot and stop them at an early stage. You might notice the catastrophe when it’s too late. Even if the other person didn’t give up on you, you already lost your pure Love to that person. I lost a man who was worth all the sacrifices in the world because I was selfish. Don’t fall into evil traps. Pray to God, strengthen your faith and don’t worry about yourselves for God is watching over you, so when you meet a person focus on them not on yourself, for if they are right for you, God will bless your union and won’t let you get hurt. If not, God will protect you.
Recently broke off a 1 year engagement due to, what I believe was, selfish behavior.
This says it all for me: Love gives, but selfishness takes. Being selfish involves a lot of “I” and has no room for “we”. Relationships and love are about togetherness; walking together as one. It’s pretty difficult to walk together with someone who has no concern for your presence or pace.
Though we didn’t take the time required for each other- and because I am subjecting this to selfishness- I think it’s due to the fact we did everything at his whim, at his pace. We ate what he wanted, we went where he wanted to go. I gave selflessly for 2 years before verbally asking for him to consider me. He responds cordially, ‘We’ve argued about this same thing for 1.5 years. We will never be happy because you’re not happy with me’. Well, though he said that, he proposed to me in that time frame, as well as promising he would ‘try’ to include me more. So I am uncertain of where I failed him if I was the one consistently asking for a companion, a best friend & a confidant.
I feel selfish myself for blaming him but I know I tried to find a resolve..and the only one I had was to remove my engagement ring- as I did not want to marry a man who had no interest in me or anything I had an interest in.
Saddest day of my life. Still in mourning.
its well saying , true
Good article, I was open to being friends/fellowship with someone from my church, at first the person would call and text me it was equal, I like the person and wanted to get to know her, but she suddenly change, I wish her the best but it’s not healthly to talk to her anyone I ask her if she was mad at me, just trying to understand her and she never responded,, I noticed that I am the one who is always reaching out just to say hello or whatever the case maybe, I have accepted my aha moment that this person is not sincere in being friends with me and i want people in my life who I can celebrate and who celebrate me
Can improve, superior & liked it
🙁 God Bless Pepul who have SELFISH partners 🙁
RT @QuentinMcCall [K4LC Blog] 6 Reasons Selfishness Will Destroy Your Relationship.Click Here-> http://t.co/oqkj6z6r