I get questions all the time from married people and those who have recently divorced. Additionally, after counseling 100’s over the years, once I was able to get to the root of many of their problems, I’ve noticed a common theme. It relates to the honest reason of why they got married in the first place.
I think a lot of you would be surprised at how dishonest people are about the real reason they got married. In counseling sessions, people tend to lie at first and then later admit the truth as I lead them down the path of personal accountability. In my opinion, if most people invested in very good pre-marital counseling, along with healthy dating and courting, our divorce rates would see a decline. Sadly, some people’s motives for marriage are based in selfish reasons and emotional choices ruled by unresolved emotional wounds. This negatively impacts one’s ability to make a healthy choice about who to marry or even to hear God about the wisdom to choose.
I’m about to share several bad reasons to get married. Now, there is no judgment or condemnation in this list. So, if you got married because of one of the reasons, I pray you have learned from it and become a better person as a result of it. Good or bad, all of our relationships should make us better human beings.
Now, here are 9 terrible reasons to get married:
1. “I got pregnant.” Getting married only because of an unplanned pregnancy is not a good idea.
In all the years I have ministered to people this is something I’ve heard over and over again. Getting married and having an unstable home hurts the child and everyone involved, because people who get married for this reason (in my experience) usually end in divorce.
2. “My Mom or Dad pressured me.” Here we have a common, but rarely discussed, problem. Often parents give hints through questions, such as, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “Why can’t you ever keep a relationship?” So, when you do meet a “good” man or woman, in their eyes, they will push you to marry them before you are ready. Marry someone based on common values, character, and hearing from God… not family. I am not suggesting family opinions are not important or that you should ignore them, but the ultimate decision comes down to God and the people getting married.
3. “I didn’t want to be alone.” Getting married because you feel you will spend the rest of your life alone will only lead to co-dependency and a potentially failed marriage. Not being able to be alone with yourself and God speaks to deeper emotional issues. Being happy alone with God is a perquisite to marriage. It means you are emotionally and spiritually whole.
4. “My motives were wrong.” People with wrong motives seek to get married to gain something financially, sexually or emotionally. I’ve seen people have no love for who they married, but they were in love with the things they would gain. They even reasoned that they would eventually grow to love the man or woman over time. Never consider marrying anyone based solely on material or financial means. Have a pure heart and motives for being with someone and not a goal to use people for your own selfish reasons.
5. “I was tired of being single.” It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. Learn more here-> 9 Reasons Why Being Single Is Good For You
6. “I felt an obligation to get married.” Often, when we are in long-term relationships, we feel an obligation to marry who we are with. Maybe we told them we would or wanted to, but we can change our mind for whatever reasons. Never marry out of feeling obligated or that you owe it to them. If you don’t want to get married, then don’t get married.
7. “I’ve had several broken relationships and I thought marriage would help make my life better.” If the relationship is broken without marriage, getting married will not solve the problems. Getting married will not fix people. Things I Wish Singles Knew Before Marriage….
8. “I had a fantasy of a big and nice wedding, but I never thought about what it actually meant to be married.” This person was more concerned about preparing for a wedding than actually having a marriage. Never get so caught up in the one-day event that you neglect to consider the fact that marriage is a lifetime event. As singles, we have to learn in our singleness that we are preparing ourselves to be the best we can be to share life forever with someone. Marriage will expose every flaw, weakness, and selfish bone in our body.
9. Here is an example of why sex before marriage or sexual abuse causes problems and clouds our judgment.
“To be honest with you, I married him because of sex, but the sex was not good once we got married. I thought it would get better and I had an unhealthy experience tied to being molested.“
This particular female was sexually abused (from a small child to the age of 16 years old). Because her attacker chocked her during the molestation, she grew up thinking that was what she needed for her sexual pleasure and this became a sexual fetish for her. Any form of consensual or non-consensual sex can impact us so much that we begin to judge who our mates should be based on those unhealthy sexual soul ties. We have to heal from old sex partners and purge our spirits of them before marriage. Learn more about sexual soul ties here 3 Things You Need To Know About Sexual Soul Ties….and 5 ways To Overcome Sexual Soul Ties.
We should always be in prayer for the victims of sexual abuse.
Here’s what I want you to do next:-)
I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …
- If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
- Share your comments below.
- Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.
9 Terrible Reasons To Get Married http://t.co/mwemu3ZB
Nice post. I wrote about your 8th reason on my blog, “Scribbles & Tostitos.” The title of the article is “Why I Want A Wedding Not A Marriage.” http://scribblesandtostitos.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/why-i-want-a-wedding-not-a-marriage/
You are a good writer dear. But with the abstinence article, i would say it’s very easy if you make up your mind to save sex for marriage. you have to be bold about it, then the guy would not dare ask you for it. I am 25 and still a virgin, i have never understood why people can’t abstain from sex. I won’t say it’s been easy though but i triumphed and i don’t know what will make me have sex before marriage. I enjoy the curiosity of doing that with my husband someday. Am not weird, am just a happy lady who sticks to my principles, i don’t adjust it to suit the situation or make the other person happy. You can call me selfish but the other person is also being selfish without understanding that i need to commit to me values. It’s been very easy breaking off from the two relationships i had been in because I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE! when they leave so i left them and i am currently enjoying knowing myself better.
Sedem, I assume you’re talking to me. Thanks. Like you, I’ve never had sex before. I’m 26. It takes some planning and some discipline. AND some boundaries!! Also, if this is the lifestyle you choose, you cannot date men who are not committed to this lifestyle. Stay tuned into my blog; there’s a part 2 the abstinence article. Thanks again for your comment.
you are a good writer dear. but with the abstinence article, i would say it’s very easy if you make up your mind to save sex for marriage. you have to be bold about it, then the guy would not dare ask you for it. I am 25 and still a virgin, i have never understood why people can’t abstain from sex. I won’t say it’s been easy though but i triumphed and i don’t know what will make me have sex before marriage. I enjoy the curiosity of doing that with my husband someday. Am not weird, am just a happy lady who sticks to my principles, i don’t adjust it to suit the situation or make the other person happy. You can call me selfish but the other person is also being selfish without understanding that i need to commit to me values. It’s been very easy breaking off from the two relationships i had been in because I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE! when they leave so i left them and i am currently enjoying knowing myself better.
Good points and all within keeping it real as you always do. That’s part of the problem, WE dont keep it REAL with OURselves. If so, we could avoid many of these messes. I also find that some women fall in love with the “wedding ceremony” & forgot what it requires to be “married.”
I love that I found this website. The articles are excellent! I have been reading this site for quite a while and it has definitely been an asset. I am divorced and thinking back, I can say that I surely married for the wrong reasons. However, at the time, I don’t know if I would have recognized them as not good reasons; I’m sure I would not have. Depending on your maturity level and emotional state, wrong can seem very right to you even if someone is trying to tell you otherwise. When people are in love, even if it is an unhealthy love, they still recognize it as love and it can be difficult to rationalize what’s good and what’s not good. Most can only emulate what they learned from their parents or caregivers. This is what I see in the people that I know who (from what I see) are in unhealthy relationships. However, they don’t see it that way. We all definitely need to work on ourselves, first, before marriage, but in reality, that rarely happens. I read the articles, “9 Reasons Why Being Single is Good For you,” and “Things I Wish Singles New Before Marriage.” They are excellent. I read them … and I’m listening. I’ve learned that the best time to listen is when you are single, because you actually hear it then. Once you fall for someone, sometimes rationality goes out the window. It’s best to have a guideline to work from before hand, so that, even when the emotions are running high, the information will kick in when you need it, LOL
I agree with you, Toni! These articles are awesome and making me appreciate my singleness more than I already am.
Thanks once more. Never a problem with the others expect “tried of being alone” but I have come to a better view of it. Wants to marry cause that is God’s desire for me and I pray He leads me through
RT @QuentinMcCall: [Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/pDqH8SOd …
RT @QuentinMcCall: [Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/BJeHWeDb …,,,
9 Terrible Reasons To Get Married http://t.co/a2T3NQav #abusados #Relationships
Nice post..I just have one question.
What it means to be spiritually and emotionally whole?
Thank you
Totally committed and devoted to God…not just saved, but healed from your past pains
[Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/VwUtTDXf ,,…
http://t.co/FOEj5KPs
9 Terrible Reasons To Get Married http://t.co/TtrxQ79X via @zite
[Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/HXddgNqF
Love this dude! Good stuff. “@QuentinMcCall [Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/Ft3Qhpw2”
I think this is what young men and women need in our generation.
Hi Quentin,
From reading your blog, it appears that you are not married. I have a question because I am always leary about accepting advice from someone base on their experience in the area. Although I agree with everything here, when it comes to a topic like marriage, I would probably only seriously listen to a couple who has been married for several years. I recently met a couple that has been married for about 35 years. I found my conversation to be very enriching. My question is can someone who is not experienced in an area give solid advice about it . I learned from being a parent, that the textbooks are very helpful; they give you a good outline, but a lot of it comes from experience. Some things you can’t find in a text book. I am not challenging your profession. I can see that you are good at what you do. I’m just trying to find a explanation for that that I can understand.
Yes….It’s simple..do u have to smoke to know it’s bad for you? Do you have to be obese to know it’s bad? Do you have be addicted to drugs to know it’s bad? The Apostle Paul taught more about marriage than anyone in the Bible and he never got marriage. Marriage is not an indicator one knows anything about relationships if that was true our divorce rate would be lower. Also, just because someone is single does not mean they don’t know anything about relationships…One has to learn relationship skills…in their singleness, so marriage will be easier and it still will be hard. This article is for single people and you welcome to eat it or throw it away the choice is yours. Yes, my many years of experience gives me an insight most will not have and it has serve thousands of God’s people very well. I write what God gives and it’s food for those who need it….if not for you throw it away and eat something else. It’s always good for married couples to have marriage mentors and yearly counseling to keep the marriage fresh and in tune to avoid problems……My focus is singleness not married couples…people fail at marriage mostly because they failed at truly being single, whole, and healed before God….they looked to a human to do what only God can do…you have to be single first…
Hi Quentin,
Thanks for the response. Very profound; makes sense.
“@QuentinMcCall: [Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/RwYiZLFw” wow good stuff!!
#RealTalk about #GettingMarried #Wedding http://t.co/UCiaWG7i
#beforeyousayIDO RT @QuentinMcCall: [Blog] 9 Terrible Reasons to Get Married. Please RT-> http://t.co/FPNcPV0a
I’m learning a lot from them. For the last few years I have been on my own spiritual journey. Really just reflecting on life. I only wish I knew then what I know now. But, looking back, I know for certain that even if someone tried to beat the information into me, I still would not have listened. I have been married a couple of times and have shacked up a few times. At the time, I believed all the relationships would last forever. I see now that I did not see then that forever requires a lot of work and planning. Although I thought they would last forever, I never once really thought long term. I just kind of went fly by night, no structure, no definitive plans, no goals for the relationships. Not all of my relationships were bad or ended bad. Most of them were because we were ill-prepared for the seriousness of commitment. I think most relationships fail for this reason. It took me to be old as heck to figure this out. I just read another blog on conflict resolution skills. I can say in all of my relationships there was conflict, but no resolution skills. I guess experience really is a good teacher or you really do get wiser as you get older.
Great post. I’ve started counseling individuals and your points ring true. I tell everyone who is considering marriage to do the necessary prep work before hand.
[…] Some people marry because they are being pressured by their parents, their peers, or most of the time, by the society. Most of these cause couples to file for divorce because they marry for all the wrong reasons. […]