For years R&B songs, movies, and just the general opinions of people have taught us that being “in love” was better than simply “loving” someone. I, personally, never felt this way because I grew up in church and my Granny taught me better. Every time I heard someone say, “I love him, but I am not in love with him,” my skin would crawl and I would feel this heat build in my throat. It caused such an emotional reaction from me… simply because it’s a ridiculous statement.
The essence of love, from a relationship or marriage standpoint, is that real unconditional love grows over time and develops from going through the storms together. When God sent His son (Jesus) to restore fellowship between himself and man, He did so with unconditional love in mind and not “in love.” If God was just “in love” with us, Jesus would have never been given to us for the salvation of our souls. There is a difference between love and in love and it’s not what most people think.
What exactly does being “in love” mean?
A simple definition of “in love” would be a euphoric experience based in emotion, with two falling aimlessly for someone they don’t know. Falling “in love” is not love at all. We do not fall “in love,” we grow to love. Real love grows over time and it is not based on an emotion, but a choice. So, if someone believes love is a choice, it’s impossible to believe being “in love” means more than “loving” someone. The entire concept of being “in love” is based on emotion and being on ‘Cloud 9’ when we first meet someone we really like.
You see, every relationship will pass through the “in love” phase in the beginning and stay in that phase as long as the couple fails to seek true growth in the relationship. Typically, though, the “in love” phase will last between 2-24 months (and even longer for secret love affairs). In the “in love” stage of love, people will do and say anything to keep who they love happy, but the actions are purely based on emotions. Being in love is a temporary place in the early stages of the relationship, but to grow to deeper levels of bonding we have to move out of it at some point and grow into “love.”
Here are some things you need to remember about being “in love”:
• “In love” is a euphoric experience.
• “In love” is an illusion and counterfeit of real love.
• “In love” is not better than “love”… It’s, actually, the lowest form of love because it’s not a conscious choice to love.
• “In love” is an emotional high (much like taking drugs or drinking).
• “In love” takes you over. Thus, you will often “fall” for the wrong person.
• “In love” takes no effort. Real love requires effort.
• “In love” is usually associated with someone trying to heal from wounds or terminate aloneness on the hearts of other people.
• “In love” keeps you blind and will limit you in getting to know someone.
• “In love” means you made a decision to fall in love by forgetting to learn how to love.
• “In love” means you are emotionally obsessed.
• “In love” means you have an illusion that your mate or the relationship is perfect.
• “In love” deceives you in believing that warm, tingly feeling on the inside is the real thing called “love.”
• Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a well-known psychologist, did a study on “in love” and determined that the average length of this emotional obsession is about 24 months.
• If you truly desire real love, you eventually have to come down from the clouds of “in love” and allow your feet to touch the ground. Once your feet touch ground, you can join hands and walk as one towards “growing” to love instead of “falling” in love.
• The “in love” experience does not focus on true growth and relationship development. Its goal is based in emotional feelings and not the bad or “real” parts of the person. “In love” comes crashing down once the emotion is removed, which means you never “really” loved… you just were “in love.”
• Once the “in love” phase has run its course, the reality of the relationship or marriage will be revealed.
Now, let’s talk about real and authentic love that you grow into and not fall into based on emotion. Now, for just a minute, think about all the bad relationship mistakes you have made based on emotional decision making. How many people have you had sex with on emotion during this “in love” stage? How many people have you entered into a relationship with when you shouldn’t have, based on being “in love”? If we are being honest and accountable, most of us have. This is why the “in love” stage is just a place we pass through on our way to “real” unconditional love.
So, what is love? In its simplest form, love is a pure choice we make to love someone (regardless of their faults or imperfections) without our emotions blinding or misleading us. When two people love one another, they seek to grow to create something much greater than themselves.
Love will have emotion just like “in love,” but there is a difference. When you truly love someone, your emotions are not based in an “obsession” or illusion. Real love doesn’t cause you to lose your mind to the point that you become irresponsible in your decision making. Real love requires effort, discipline, hard work, and a need for a couple to hold hands and walk as one. Our basic human need is not in falling in love, but in authentically being loved by another; and real love grows out of a choice. We should desire love from someone who chooses to love us unconditionally, not from someone who is just high on emotional drugs and claiming to love us.
The emotional need for love must be met if love is going to be healthy and based on pure love. Love works and it is a very powerful motivator. We were “all” born with a need for love, not just women. Man was created to love a woman and woman was created to love a man. No relationship is successful without real, unconditional love and God must be the source of that love. This type of love is not discovered in the “in love” stage and, until people move out of that stage, their love will be forever challenged by unhealthy emotional decision making.
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My fiancé and I had this conversation about loving each other regardless. Our maturity in Christ ,and in age, has helped us to get where we are now. Thanks for affirming that we are on the right track. There’s no time to fake the love and end up hurt, feeling betrayed and wasting time…especially when it’s us causing those things for ourselves!
Awesome truth. Thanks for shedding the light on this. My eyes have been open too. My fiance’ and I believes there is no other way to love. With God in the mist we’re on the winning side.
I have always believed that LOVE IS A CHOICE. The IN LOVE phase is like the thrills of a rollercoaster ride, but eventually it stops and you have to have something to STAND on. Authentic LOVE takes two people committed to put the hard work in. I believe you should THEN “Fall in LOVE” with them OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN throughoit the relationship…..that’s what keeps a marriage strong……….
a lot a people just don’t understand that it is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. its two different things!!!
This annoys me so bad when people say they love them but they’re not in love and that’s why they’re leaving. The very essence of the word love does not seek its own so if you are leaving because your needs aren’t being met that has nothing to do with love but instead will. You have CHOSEN to no longer dedicate yourself to this person and love them esteeming them more than yourself. No one wants to admit that they are self-seeking so we make up this “in-love” stuff to use as an out when it’s no kind of love but affectionate feelings and sensual in nature. Love requires you to die to self and to serve it, love, instead of yourself and since God is love… Well we know algebra… So who people really don’t want to serve is God.
But this does not take into consideration the passion and heat and desire for the other person. Loving someone is one thing and happens all the time, but being IN LOVE is a desire for physical attachment that persists. If there’s no passion, no heat, no “I can’t take my hands off your body”– you’re not IN LOVE. =/
My friend.. Either you didn’t fully read or you are trying to rationalize your own thoughts on the issues. Your comment was addressed in the article and it’s simply Lust (in-love). Love grows over time. It’s not some intense, and quick experience. That’s emotion…
So basically I need to stop fall in love because the relationship sometimes don’t last. So how would I know if my fiance really love me we always say we in love with each other.
[…] 1. The Difference Between “Love” and “In Love” – there IS a difference and we all tend to misuse and interchange the two carelessly. Read how/why: https://quentinmccall.com/difference-love-love/ […]
I never knew much about this until I had an argument with someone. the argument was about being in love with someone or loving someone. until he diceded to have the friends with benefits.so I did some research en now I know what’s the difference. rather love over & over angain han be in love * that friends with benefits is just lust.
I whole hardedly agree with Janey A. I have been with my spouse for 26 years. I was never “in love” with him yet I still and always will love him.
We’ll put I knew there was no such thing as being in love and just loving somebody first off gods word says for a man to love your wife and wife’s respect your husband two way street not men be in love. I see love growing from one phase to another I get this
Thank you for sharing this. My ex-fiancé asked me to read this article and it is very insightful. I have always wanted the feeling of being “in-love” and you are right, that only last a period of time. Love last a lifetime when two people are focused on loving each other and putting God at the forefront of the relationship.
[…] https://quentinmccall.com/difference-love-love/ […]
Thank you for such a divine word and clarity.my spirit says it’s true how you explained. Thank you so much!!!
Thank you so much for this awesome truth! I have always believed that the “I love you , but I am not in love with you ” statement was bafoolery and a bunch of crap