According to Newsone.com , “72% of African-American households are headed by a single parent.” This means for men or women, the odds that you have a child or will meet someone with a child is quite high. Of course these chances go up as we age. So, people over 40 will no doubt meet someone who has a child.
So, the question becomes, when should we introduce kids to the new dating partner?
I’ve always been of the opinion that, unless a couple enters into a serious and committed relationship, the children should not be brought into the picture. A relationship has to move through the process of friendship, dating, and into a serious relationship (or courtship). 
As a man, I have always been slow about meeting the children (or child) of the woman I am getting to know. I guess for me it was natural to want to take it slow in that area, because the truth is… I may not even like her enough to think we have a future together. However, we can’t dismiss the need to accept both the parent and the child if we want a long-term future with someone.
As we all know, kids tend to get more excited and attached to your new partner – faster than you may realize. Of course, there will be expectations. However, overall, most kids enjoy having someone new to play with – even if it’s an adult. For this reason alone, it is important to avoid having the child get attached before you are serious about the person. Once the relationship is going in a healthy direction it will benefit the child and the relationship even more. Believe it or not, when a child lacks a mother or a father, they will see your new love as a future mother or father.
Another issue with introducing kids too soon into your relationship is confusion. A child should never see several men or women enter and leave your life. It will make them wonder what’s up with you and create anxiety for them. Children can sense when they are important to you or even when a man or woman is more important. A child needs to see you work together as a couple and exhibit family values. Even though you aren’t married, you need to show habits of healthy family behavior when the time to meet is appropriate.
Another reason waiting is a good idea is based on the idea that you need to get to know them without the inclusion of a child. Meaning the getting to know process should be all about you and the person, so you can clearly learn what you need to learn before going into something deeper. You don’t need the emotions children will bring into that decision making process, because it will cloud your judgment and leave you deaf to hearing from God. Furthermore, your new dating partner doesn’t need to feel you are looking for a father or mother for your child; because it could be a huge turn-off.
Often when we think about the idea of introducing or meeting the children of the one we love, we have to understand we are entering into co-parenting. No matter if we agree with this thought process it’s exactly what is happening. So, how are you going to act when the man or woman disciplines your children? Or is this something you will neglect discussing because you think it’s not an issue? When a child becomes a part of the life of who you love, that person becomes a parent as well.
Also, please keep in mind when you are texting, emailing, or even having a phone conversation with your new dating partner… the children (or child) will notice the name of the person eventually and you will get the “Who is ________” inquiry. And your answer should be “they are a friend” and don’t discuss any details. You should never keep who you are dating a secret, but you shouldn’t go into details either.
My final thoughts
It’s selfish to enter any relationship without considering your children or not considering how the other person may feel about children (or the number of children you have). Have open and honest dialogue about children and never mislead anyone. It’s just as important if one person has children and the other person does not, to determine their feelings early in the getting to know process.
Also, let’s not leave out those with no children at all on both sides. Do you want kids? Does he or she want kids? Don’t neglect discussing the depths of everything and lay it all on the table.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
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Why you should wait to Introduce Your Children to Your New Dating Partner.. is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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Most of you reading this right now read my articles on a regular basis and are aware of my philosophy of becoming friends before lovers. If you aren’t aware of my stance on friendship, here are two articles to read that will give you the foundation “The One Relationship Mistake You Don’t Know You’re Making” .

In many cases, if a man can’t be a friend to a woman he certainly can’t be anything romantic. For me, friendship is the foundation of a great relationship and love. Far too often people jump from relationship to relationship seeking a feeling, but they are truly operating out of lust. There is a lot that goes into a relationship, but the foundation has to be friendship. However, today I want to address the reason why men may not desire to be your friend.

I do realize some of the reasons I am about to share may seem judgmental or unfair; however, some of them will be common sense.

1. Questionable past with men. Many men are quick to judge women for their past, because secretly men like the fun girls. However, when he is ready to settle down he wants nothing to do with the woman who drinks, clubs, or anything else that reminds him of his player past. However, this doesn’t mean you should lie about your past, because the right man will understand and love you regardless.

2. On the other hand, if you are a woman who is “practicing abstinence” and the guy has casual sex intentions, he will not want to be your friend if it won’t lead to sex (which is strictly his intention). As I always say, the character of a man matters more than anything else he brings to the table. So, a guy like this who doesn’t want to be your friend is a good thing.

3. You use the words “let’s start as friends.” For some men this is code speech for “I am not interested in anything, but a friendship”. Ladies, allow the man to set the pace and learn to maintain healthy relationships without getting emotionally involved too soon. If he truly desires something real with you, he will seek a friendship with you. If he wants to have something more down the road, the friendship will allow both to know if it’s possible or even a wise move.

4. The way you act or behave in public. If a man has a hard time seeing you as classy, sophisticated, stylish, and graceful it will be hard for him to pursue even a casual friendship with you.
I remember, about three years ago or more, I was out with a female friend celebrating a new job. Little did I know, she was so loud and completely without manners. In every other situation I shared with her, she was always the model lady. I guess in restaurants and after a few glasses of wine, she changes. I still remained her friend even after feeling embarrassed.

5. You major in pushing men away and having shallow relationships. A man wants to know you have strength, meaning he can be flawed and your love doesn’t change. Nothing scares a man more than knowing, if he fails or something happens, the woman he loves will walk away from him. You can be a ride or die lady without losing yourself.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
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Have you ever heard someone say, “I hate my job?” Perhaps you have been guilty of speaking those words yourself. I want to caution you to be mindful of the words you speak and understand the power behind what you say.

The dictionary defines “hate” as an intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility. However, there is a spiritual element to it as well. Hatred allows a seed of bitterness to be sown in you and affects your ability to influence others in a positive or Christian way. (Hebrews 12:14-15 – Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;).

Note: Before I continue, if you are working in a job that directly goes against the principles of God and encourages you to live a life of sin, you should hate that job and get out of it immediately (Psalms 97:10). For the purposes of this article, we are referring to legitimate jobs and careers that do not present those conflicts.

So, since hatred will only harm you, those around you, and (most importantly) the image of Christ. Here are some things you can do in order to learn to love the job you hate:

1. Stop Complaining – If you are to the point of saying you “hate” your job, I am sure you are not the only one who knows how you feel. Complaining is an attempt to solve what you perceive to be a problem. However, complaining has never solved anything. Stop complaining and start looking for ways to improve the situation.
2. Identify Selfishness – Hatred is in direct contrast to love. Hatred also is very strongly related to selfishness. When you allow yourself to be rooted in hatred towards your job situation, you become selfish and only focus on what you want. You begin to neglect your co-workers, family, and others who depend on you. Identify areas where you are being selfish and get rid of that bad behavior.
3. Be Thankful – You’ve heard it before and I will say it again, be thankful that you even have a job in this economy. Period. There are many, many people who would gladly take your place. If you need help understanding how grateful you should be, volunteer a few hours of your time at the local homeless shelter or spend a night sleeping out on the street (I am very serious) and then thank God for the job you have.
4. Seek to Add Value – Instead of using your energy to find things you hate, find things on your job that you can improve; find people you can help! Find great ways to use your hidden skills and talents. You might just be amazed at the great opportunities that exist within your company that you don’t even know about.
5. Serve God, Not Man – Don’t just say you serve God… SERVE GOD! (I. Corinthians 10:31 – So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God). Understand that every day you walk into work, you are representing Him. Every single moment you are on the clock is an opportunity to be an example for Him. How awesome is that?
6. Read! – Too many times people are trying to rush from one opportunity to the next, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You are saying you hate your job, but the reality is, you have not done what it takes to elevate to the next level. Have you taken advantage of your company’s Continuing Education benefits? Do you read or do online training to learn new skills. You may *feel* like you hate your job, but you could only hate the fact that you feel so limited. Your job does not determine your knowledge level. YOU DO! Take initiative and learn!
7. Deal with Your Fears – Many times “hatred” for a job is really anger about your employment situation. That anger is covering deeper rooted fears. You may be afraid of failing at something. In some cases, you may be hesitant to go for a promotion, because you are afraid of success (that does exist for some people). You may be afraid to compete with others because of deep rooted insecurities. A lack of mentorship and solid management may not be providing you with the support you need to easily overcome these fears. However, you do not have to depend on your company to help you with those fears. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling and get the help you need to deal with those issues.

It is imperative that we learn to shift our thinking about our jobs. Even if you are in a season of transitioning to a new position or a new company, there are opportunities to develop your character and affect other’s lives in your current position.

Have you ever been guilty of saying you “hate” your job?

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

How to Love the Job You Hate is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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No man enjoys being nagged by a woman. No woman ever wants to be called a nag. However, in spite of the best attempts by some of the most mature men and women, many relationships end up having to deal with this ineffective cycle of communication! Why does it happen? What does she really want? Why does it drive him absolutely insane? How is he contributing to the problem?

The Bible says:
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” ~Proverbs 21:19 
“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.” ~ Proverbs 27:15-16

Men and women usually view nagging very differently. To him, nagging feels like an unbearable, bothersome, never-ending, unstable, and persistent chipping away from the simple peace he desires to have in the relationship. To her, nagging is not nagging at all. It is, instead, a heartfelt attempt to openly and freely communicate in order to solve a problem or barrier in the relationship and then quickly get back to a state of peace.

Both the man and woman want the same thing. They desire peace in the relationship. However, one is taking immediate and deliberate action to push a resolution in order to obtain peace. The other does not feel the same barrier and is, instead seeking to experience a continual peace and then resolve the issue in time. However, there has to be balance in the relationship. The couple must work together, in the way and time that works for them, to be at peace and continue in a happy, healthy, and stable relationship that works for both.

Here are 5 signs nagging may be a problem in your relationship:
1. Repeating conversations – If you continue to rehash the same conversation over and over again that becomes nagging. This is an indication that you have not yet been honest about the true root issue. Take time alone to evaluate the problem and identify the source of your pain. Then, work with your partner to resolve that issue.

2. Feelings of resentment – If you find yourself feeling resentful towards your partner, you may find yourself being overly critical. This leads to an atmosphere of nagging. Again, you must work to identify the basis of your negative feelings and resolve those. Sometimes you will need to resolve these things separately and on your own, other times it will be something you and our partner must work on together.
3. Not wanting to spend time together – If you or your partner do not desire to be around one another or just have good conversations, this is certainly an issue. Nagging is not always the reason, but it can certainly be one reason. No one desires to willingly go into a situation where they know there will be hounding and arguments. Try to find a way to remember the things you most enjoy discussing; what drew you to one another to begin with. Also, try praying together. Be sure to pray with an open heart and mind, talking to God sincerely.
4. Shutting down – If your partner seems to shut down every time you begin to speak, it may be because they have grown to anticipate nagging and they are just no longer willing to engage in it. They don’t see any point of resolution through the conversation. Many times, this may be a misunderstanding; the partner may shut you on a false assumption of what you were going to discuss. However, this is still an opportunity to improve. Focus on living according to the peace you desire to have, understanding that one conversation does not determine whether or not you can have peace. True love will not allow an issue to forever go unresolved, especially if it hurts you. Pray for your partner and allow God to work in their heart and yours. Ask God to show you both how and when to discuss the issue.

5. Being passive aggressive – If you are communicating in a way that takes subtle digs and jabs at your partner, then you are nagging. This is an immature and selfish form of communication. You must learn to be clear, concise, and direct in your communication. Also, once you say what you mean, you should not feel the need to continue repeating it over and over again. Don’t insult the intelligence of your partner. Give them time to digest your words and love you enough to respond accordingly.

Closing Thought:
Although nagging is most commonly attributed to women, men can be guilty of it as well. It is critical for couples to rise above issues and be selfless; seeking to resolve issues in a way that benefits their partner and the relationship. Nagging, shutting down, etc…. are all selfish tendencies. A relationship is not all about any single person. Two people have to learn to walk together and agree as one, else the relationship can fail in the face of other trials and temptations. Learn to communicate effectively and grow together in order to be a stronger vessel for the kingdom of God. Have realistic expectations of your request and is the request worth ruining the relationship?

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

5 Ways to Know if Nagging is Killing your Relationship is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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Love is the reason we are all here on earth. God sent his son, Jesus, to restore fellowship between God and man. The fact that He sent His only son was an example of His great love for us and His desire to restore us. God birthed us all with a love tank that needs to be filled by Him and a tank that needs to be filled by people we interact with on earth. Through His love, we are able to love unconditionally. If we attempt to love unconditionally out of our own human behavior, we will fail. We have to be connected to the power of love in order to love the way God has caused us to love.

When our hearts are filled with selfishness, we struggle to love unconditionally and erroneously believe loving without conditions is impossible. When a heart is selfish, it fails to give love until it is assured love will be given in return. Now, consider if God loved us in this way. What if God only loved us if we loved Him in return? Love is love because it has no conditions and is not based on what others do or don’t do.  

You can always tell you are dealing with a quality and good character person by their love walk. Do they treat you the way they desire to be treated? Or, do they just sit back and wait to see what you will do before they act? Be careful of people who can’t give you what they expect in return. This is a classic sign of a selfish heart.

So many people seek relationships with motives that have little to do with love. Many seek relationships for numbing their pain, sex, lust, rebounding from an ex, or just to pass the time before meeting who they really want to share life with. Of course, these are not healthy reasons to engage in a relationship with someone, but these are the actions people take. The Bible teaches us when the head is sick, the entire body is sick (Isaiah 1:5). Thus, we make poor decisions when we are hurting or living off of emotion.

So, the question becomes… what should we understand in order to learn to love better and make better decisions?

(1) Love doesn’t allow anger to mean more than love:
How often have we all allowed our anger or pride to mean more than our love? It’s perfectly OK to be angry, but we have to make healthy decisions when we are angry. We have to be mature enough to get to the root of the problem and have solutions. It’s never wise to put a bandage on issues, because the issues will just happen over and over again.

Really seek to have healthy conflict resolution. Often, when we are angry, we say things we should not say. So, it’s important to manage anger and, for those with serious anger issues, to seek help. Anger issues are rooted in a lack of affirmation of love from childhood, insecurities, and feelings of abandonment. Anger is simply a cry for help. Read more about anger here: Do you make these mistakes with anger?

(2) Love stops you from walking away from people
I’ve been in ministry a long time and, I tell you, I don’t know when this new age thought of walking away from people started. However, it is contributing to the failure of marriages and relationships throughout the world. The Bible I read doesn’t teach us to walk away when things don’t go our way. It teaches us to have patience, kindness, long suffering, forgiveness, hope, prayer, and restoration.

Some of you are thinking right now, but what if this or that happens? Well, of course there are times when a relationship has run its course and there is nothing left to restore or hold on to. However, many of these relationships had red flags in the beginning that were ignored for whatever reason. How we begin and approach getting into relationships will help eliminate being put in bad situations.

Seek to have meaningful friendships before love. If it’s easy to just walk when things don’t go your way, you shouldn’t even be pursuing relationships (at least not anything serious). It’s a sign of selfishness, pride, lack of a love walk, and arrogance. There is a time to walk away and there is a time to stay.

Allow the Holy Spirit to be your teacher and guide and you will never go wrong. If you know you don’t have what it takes to stay around when things get tough… just refrain from entering into relationships because, no matter how good or great someone may be, there will be problems. You are not going to always have your way and relationships are not about having your way. They are about sharing life together.

If you are not responsible enough to love through the good and bad, you are not ready to love or mature enough. Real love will always fight for love and not become a deserter. People who have a limited amount of love on the inside of them can only love you to the level of their love. People walk away easily, because they have a limited endurance or capacity for love.

(3) Love is a choice not an emotion
Love is not about a feeling, because how we feel changes from day to day. We all have daily stress, issues, and challenges that tend to impact how we feel. Sometimes, we don’t feel loved by who we love. Love is not based on how we feel, but the choice we make to love… in spite of what our emotions tell us.

If we only love and treat people based on how we feel, then we simply fall in and out of love. This means we never loved in the first place. We don’t fall in love, we grow to love. Read more here:  Love is a choice and not an emotion and The Real Difference between love and in-love.

(4) Love gives what it expects
Love is about giving the very thing you expect. If you can’t give it, don’t expect it. Sounds very simple, right? Well it’s one of the most common relationship issues I see.

You have women and men alike who have high expectations of other people, but very limited expectations of self. They desire other people to accept them as they are, but everyone else should be perfect. If you desire a friend, be a friend. If you desire early morning phone calls, you make them. If you desire a lot of attention, you give a lot of attention, etc…

Do you get the picture? Never expect anything from anyone that you do not give.

(5) Love tells the truth
Love someone enough to tell the truth. When we lie to who we love, we rob them of their choice. Often, people lie in life and relationships for these main reasons:
- To prevent losing something
– To gain something
– To avoid rejection
– Fear of being judged
– To maintain peace
Intellectually, this all makes some sense. However, not being honest will erode away the trust.

Trust is very important to a healthy relationship. Without trust, a relationship is not even possible. Many attempt to have relationships where no trust exists. They go through a cycle of unhealthy ups and downs, never healing the root cause of the trust issues in the relationship. No trust, no relationship.

(6) Love is always transparent and learns to be vulnerable
Trust is like a jar full of marbles. It’s built one marble at a time. If we can’t trust, it’s very hard to be transparent and vulnerable. Vulnerability, like trust, is built and grows over time… both require much attention, focus, effort and hard work in order for couples to flourish. When you are in a relationship and building your marble collection, be mindful… if the jar hits the floor, the trust instantly goes away and you have to start all over again.

Relationships require vulnerability in order for the relationship to grow in healthy ways. People need to sort of earn your vulnerability and vice-versa. When couples become vulnerable, it should be a mutual exploration because this is where true depth and growth begins. Just like love, vulnerability is about sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with people who have proven or earned the right to hear our innermost pains, fears or weaknesses.

Being vulnerable is a very important part of building trust and adding marbles to your jar. Going deep and sharing your souls with each other will bring more connection, trust, and engagement. Trust is a slow and layered building process. There are no guarantees, but your faith in God should always be your guiding force.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

6 Things Everyone Should Understand About Love is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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I remember being in high school and everyone always assumed it was easy for me to talk to women, because I had the attention of many of them. Little did anyone know, I was deathly afraid to approach women and got nervous anytime I had to. Even today, I would get nervous at the thought of approaching a woman. I am very introverted. So, anything requiring me to talk to people is usually something I avoid, but I force myself in terms of serving people.

I can honestly say being rejected is not something that really crossed my mind when it came to approaching women, because I never thought I would be rejected. I reasoned, if I was rejected, it was OK because not every woman was going to be open to getting to know me better. However, the fact is, this issue of men fearing rejection is very common. Many ladies wonder why the guy she gave eye contact to never approached; why the guy she had clear chemistry with never approached. Well, it could be for a variety of reasons. However, in some cases it is plain old fear of being rejected.

The very idea of men approaching women has the rejection component built into the process. Yes, sometimes there are stuck-up women who just reject men based on appearance alone. Guys need not worry about a woman like this, because most women will not be so cruel.

So how do I overcome fear of rejection?

The first thing a man should do is just relax. Often, the fear of rejection is greater than the actual rejection. You see, most women are very sweet and will let you down easy. You know the “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend“ or “You are very kind, but no thank you” responses. So, what man can’t handle that? Yeah, there will be some who will be rude, as I stated earlier in this article, but that’s a part of approaching a woman you might be interested in. A woman letting you down nicely is not rejection at all.

Men, you have to see the beauty and value of approaching a woman and not see it as an act of rejection. Women like men who are strong, confident, in control, and have the right mixture of inner growth. What if your life changed just from having the courage to walk up and talk to the woman you are attracted to? Of course that’s just step 1 before going on the journey of getting to know one another, but it starts with the courage of making your interest known. Use that as your motivation and don’t allow fear of rejection to control you.

Being great with meeting, and getting to know, great Godly women begins with knowing how to get in touch with your emotional side and have intelligent conversation. Your fancy house, career, etc… mostly attracts all the wrong women. The right women aren’t concerned about that as much as they are about your character and the meaningful things you can offer her and she can offer you. The wrong women are only thinking about what you bring to the table and seldom do they seek to better your life or care if they offer you anything meaningful.

Men have to understand that women are flattered when they are approached respectfully by a man. Even if she has a man, it just strengthens her own relationship by telling you she is involved. Of course, if you approach a woman and later find out she has a man or is married, you know what you have. So, there is no need to say it here.

The best way to overcome this fear of rejection is to go out and approach women and keep in mind the things I’ve written in this article. Remember, you are not trying to marry her… just get to know her better for a possible friendship and, maybe, grow to something more.

In closing, I want men to understand there is nothing to fear at all. Please don’t make the mistake of trying to fill your fears or insecurities with money, cars, etc… This makes it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when there are deep rooted insecurities masked in material items.

Blessings.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
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Are Men Afraid of Rejection? is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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For years R&B songs, movies, and just the general opinions of people have taught us that being “in love” was better than simply “loving” someone. I, personally, never felt this way because I grew up in church and my Granny taught me better. Every time I heard someone say, “I love him, but I am not in love with him,” my skin would crawl and I would feel this heat build in my throat. It caused such an emotional reaction from me… simply because it’s a ridiculous statement. 

The essence of love, from a relationship or marriage standpoint, is that real unconditional love grows over time and develops from going through the storms together. When God sent His son (Jesus) to restore fellowship between himself and man, He did so with unconditional love in mind and not “in love.” If God was just “in love” with us, Jesus would have never been given to us for the salvation of our souls. There is a difference between love and in love and it’s not what most people think.

What exactly does being “in love” mean?

A simple definition of “in love” would be a euphoric experience based in emotion, with two falling aimlessly for someone they don’t know. Falling “in love” is not love at all. We do not fall “in love,” we grow to love. Real love grows over time and it is not based on an emotion, but a choice. So, if someone believes love is a choice, it’s impossible to believe being “in love” means more than “loving” someone. The entire concept of being “in love” is based on emotion and being on ‘Cloud 9’ when we first meet someone we really like.

You see, every relationship will pass through the “in love” phase in the beginning and stay in that phase as long as the couple fails to seek true growth in the relationship. Typically, though, the “in love” phase will last between 2-24 months (and even longer for secret love affairs). In the “in love” stage of love, people will do and say anything to keep who they love happy, but the actions are purely based on emotions. Being in love is a temporary place in the early stages of the relationship, but to grow to deeper levels of bonding we have to move out of it at some point and grow into “love.”

Here are some things you need to remember about being “in love”:
• “In love” is a euphoric experience.
• “In love” is an illusion and counterfeit of real love.
• “In love” is not better than “love”… It’s, actually, the lowest form of love because it’s not a conscious choice to love.
• “In love” is an emotional high (much like taking drugs or drinking).
• “In love” takes you over. Thus, you will often “fall” for the wrong person.
• “In love” takes no effort. Real love requires effort.
• “In love” is usually associated with someone trying to heal from wounds or terminate aloneness on the hearts of other people.
• “In love” keeps you blind and will limit you in getting to know someone.
• “In love” means you made a decision to fall in love by forgetting to learn how to love.
• “In love” means you are emotionally obsessed.
• “In love” means you have an illusion that your mate or the relationship is perfect.
• “In love” deceives you in believing that warm, tingly feeling on the inside is the real thing called “love.”
• Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a well-known psychologist, did a study on “in love” and determined that the average length of this emotional obsession is about 24 months.
• If you truly desire real love, you eventually have to come down from the clouds of “in love” and allow your feet to touch the ground. Once your feet touch ground, you can join hands and walk as one towards “growing” to love instead of “falling” in love.
• The “in love” experience does not focus on true growth and relationship development. Its goal is based in emotional feelings and not the bad or “real” parts of the person. “In love” comes crashing down once the emotion is removed, which means you never “really” loved… you just were “in love.”
• Once the “in love” phase has run its course, the reality of the relationship or marriage will be revealed.

Now, let’s talk about real and authentic love that you grow into and not fall into based on emotion. Now, for just a minute, think about all the bad relationship mistakes you have made based on emotional decision making. How many people have you had sex with on emotion during this “in love” stage? How many people have you entered into a relationship with when you shouldn’t have, based on being “in love”? If we are being honest and accountable, most of us have. This is why the “in love” stage is just a place we pass through on our way to “real” unconditional love.

So, what is love? In its simplest form, love is a pure choice we make to love someone (regardless of their faults or imperfections) without our emotions blinding or misleading us. When two people love one another, they seek to grow to create something much greater than themselves.

Love will have emotion just like “in love,” but there is a difference. When you truly love someone, your emotions are not based in an “obsession” or illusion. Real love doesn’t cause you to lose your mind to the point that you become irresponsible in your decision making. Real love requires effort, discipline, hard work, and a need for a couple to hold hands and walk as one. Our basic human need is not in falling in love, but in authentically being loved by another; and real love grows out of a choice. We should desire love from someone who chooses to love us unconditionally, not from someone who is just high on emotional drugs and claiming to love us.

The emotional need for love must be met if love is going to be healthy and based on pure love. Love works and it is a very powerful motivator. We were “all” born with a need for love, not just women. Man was created to love a woman and woman was created to love a man. No relationship is successful without real, unconditional love and God must be the source of that love. This type of love is not discovered in the “in love” stage and, until people move out of that stage, their love will be forever challenged by unhealthy emotional decision making.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

The Real Difference between “Love” and “In Love” is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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Women are just as capable of hurting a good man as a man is a good woman, but it’s rarely discussed. In this article, I will discuss basic red flags men need to consider when getting to know a woman.

(1) Fresh out of a relationship: Avoid dating a woman who is fresh out of a relationship. Allow her to close one door before opening another.  Learn more by reading The Shocking Truth About Rebound Relationships.

(2) Jumps from one relationship to the next: This type of woman moves from one lustful and emotional experience to the next. She is motivated by fantasy and the next “emotional high” she can experience from a man. Once the “in love” phase has ended, she believes the relationship has gone bad. She is not willing to face the reality that we are all flawed and no relationship is perfect.

(3) Clingy: Women who are clingy are simply insecure. Also, they are trying to gain control through being clingy. When dating this type of woman you have to establish clear boundaries with her. If you don’t, she will try to wreck your world in an attempt to make you feel the pain she perceives you have caused her. 

(4) Looking for perfection: This type of woman goes from man to man because she is demanding perfection. You often hear this type of woman saying things like, “I need a man worthy of me,” “There are no good men,” etc… This is the type of woman who is likely to leave a man instead of standing by his side when he hits hard times. She lacks the ability to allow a man to be human.

(5) Gold-digger: Simply put, this woman is looking for a free ride. She is not seeking to contribute to the life of a man unless she is benefiting financially. Her love will be conditional and based completely on the financial standing or power of the man she is with. This woman will be high maintenance and require expensive gifts along with financial assistance.

(6) Nothing in common: Contrary to popular belief, opposites do not attract. Of course, two people can be different and have a beautiful relationship. However, the relationship is usually safer when you have a lot in common.

(7) Seeks to find happiness through you: If she feels you are the reason she is happy, when things go wrong she will blame you for her unhappiness. This is called “codependency,” but I will address this in a future article.

(8) Blames all relationship failures on her ex’s: This type of woman never takes responsibility or accountability for the role she has played in her relationship failures.

(9) Expects her needs/desires to trump everything: This type of woman believes nothing is more important than her… no matter what your responsibilities may be. She will lack understanding of your goals, dreams, etc… and force you to sacrifice everything while she sacrifices very little.

(10) Emotionally or physically abusive: Yes, women can be physically or verbally abusive towards a man.

(11) Emotionally unstable and leans toward being in constant high conflict over the minor things: Remember there is nothing wrong with emotions. God gave us emotions to balance us. However, emotions are not for decision making or framing our life around. Living this way can be dangerous and will always foster relationship problems.

(12) Stalks you on social media: She will make a fake account to stalk you and follow every woman who follows you. She will also just check your posts and comments in an attempt to check on you. Of course this behavior is rooted in insecurities.
(13) Selfishness and Pride: Selfishness is the opposite of love and is anti-Christ. Although we are all born selfish because of the original sin of man we have to work daily to die to self so our spirit of Christ can live within us. If this is something you struggle with it starts with a renewed heart in Christ Jesus and a desire to share your life with others. Today make a decision to receive Jesus Christ in your heart and turn back from what is keeping you from having the love God has for you.

Closing Thought:
These red flags don’t mean the woman is hopeless or that she can’t heal and overcome these issues. This is just a basic guide to look out for certain behaviors that will hinder building a healthy relationship with a woman. Remember, these women are all loved by God and many of them just need love, healing, and a healthy focus on God. This is not a list of elimination, but a list of being mindful of starting a relationship with a woman who is simply not ready.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

A Few Red Flags Men Should Never Ignore.. is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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Everyone has shortcomings and we all face issues. We all make mistakes and we all have room to improve. As a matter of fact, when dating, you should seek to get to know people who are open to improving. It is quite refreshing to interact with people who can quickly and peacefully admit when something is wrong, fix it, and keep going.

However, then there are the times, when situations are not all that simple. This is what I want to address today. There are some people who are dealing with things that have immediate and lasting impacts. They need focused help. Now, this is not to judge anyone. We have all been in this place for one reason or another in life. Some issues take days to deal with while some may take months or even years. It all depends on the nature of the issue and how it is manifesting itself in your life.

This article is not about whether issues exist or not. It is about helping you make better dating choices. When it comes to dating, it is critical to be mindful of these types of situations. Are you able to distinguish shortcomings which can be quickly fixed vs. those things that require more focused attention?

Here are 7 types of people you might want to avoid dating:
1. Fresh out of a relationship. People are needy and struggling with various emotions fresh out of a relationship. Thus, they will seek to numb the pain at any cost. Avoid starting a relationship when someone fresh out of relationships. I made this mistake myself in the past. Learn more by reading  How a Life Coach Overcame a Tough Break-up and The Shocking Truth About Rebound Relationships.

2. Insecure. Insecurities don’t make a relationship better just worse. Learn more by reading 9 Ways to Overcome Insecurities.

3. The Clubber. They live in the club and at happy hour. Some people in this stage of life are dealing with insecurities and attempting to numb their pain through appearing important, social, and attractive. They may also be immature and lack focus on what is truly important in life. Women who club dress to show off their curves to every man willing to look. Men who club usually just show up for the ladies. After a certain age and level of maturing, one should let the fantasy of the club life go. You can’t expect to meet a man or woman with the right motives through clubbing. Clubbing speaks to the mindset of a person and where they are in life. Date a clubber at your own risk.

4. Desperate. This type of person will do anything to have a relationship. Furthermore, they will rush into a relationship with you and attempt to get married before they are truly ready.

5. Critical. This type of person will always be very critical of everything you do. Nothing you do will be good enough unless it meets their standards. They usually carry a lot of emotional baggage and bitterness which causes them to respond critically to many things you may attempt to do.

6. Clingy. This type of person usually suffers from insecurities and will never want to leave your presence. They might even call you 100 times a day and not allow you to breathe. They often will get mad if you spend time with other people outside of them or even conclude you having to work as rejection.

7. The Brick Wall. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23. People typically interpret this scripture. The assumption is that it is telling us to guard our heart against people. Actually, the scripture is saying to guard our heart from anything that will cause us to sin. (Yes, that can apply to people as well… if a person causes us to sin.) However, when someone is too cautious and builds walls that are too high, it means no one can get in and they can’t get out. This means they cannot love you or themselves to the best of their ability because they are allowing pain and unresolved issues to interfere with their growth.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

7 Types of People You Might Want to Avoid Dating is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

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Here are a few tips to help with a long-distance relationship. Enjoy.

I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put it into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …

• If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or facebook share below to share it with others.
• Share your comments below.
• Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.

” Help! I need some dating advice for my long distance relationship.” is a post from: Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life

The post ” Help! I need some dating advice for my long distance relationship.” appeared first on Thought Leader, Relationship and Life Strategist - Quentin McCall - Knowledge 4 Life.