Guest Post:
“I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I find anyone to love me? I’m funny. I have hobbies and interests. I’m not ugly. I’m relatively intelligent. I’m a good mother. I have a job… So, why is it so hard to find someone to share my life with?!?!”
This is just a small piece of a conversation I had with a friend regarding her state of singleness. Can you identify with anything she said?
How many times have you quietly wondered to yourself, “What is wrong with me?”,” Am I going to be alone forever?”, “All of my friends are married and having babies, is that ever going to be me?”, or how about this, “I don’t have a spouse to list as my emergency contact on my forms at work. I’m so alone.”
These, and other self-defeating statements, plague the minds and emotions of women all across this country. Often, as a result of such statements, those same women find themselves upside down in one or many toxic relationships.
One thing you may not realize about toxic relationships is this… they are addictive! Yes, toxic relationships and addiction go hand in hand. Think about it. Most of the things in our society that prove to be the deadliest to us also have addictive properties; drugs (any one you can think of), alcohol, “comfort” foods, fast food, candies / sweets, and relationships.
Toxic relationships have an addictive nature that causes you to spiral in and out of “I hate him, but I love him.” “This is horrible for me, but I’ve invested so much.” “It’ll get better” (when you know it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse). The evidence of toxicity is all around you, but you rationalize, “It’s better than being alone.”
Now, this is not to say it’s unhealthy to want a relationship. It’s a God-given natural desire to be partnered and share our lives with another person. We just have to be very careful that we are ready for what that means; that we are making a healthy, conscious choice based on truths and common values and not the misleading nature of our emotions, mainstream media (“…if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.” Sound familiar?), social tendencies, or the tons of other relentless attacks against the beauty of singleness.
Women, in particular, are anxious to marry and begin families. For the most part we are ‘trained’ for this from a very young age, and our training falls right in line with our ‘God-given hard-wiring’. Women (in most cases) are ‘hard-wired’ to love, nurture, and balance their male counterpart emotionally. Here, we see a God-given purpose for our emotions. Unfortunately, we’ve gotten into a ditch because we have allowed our emotions to guide us where they were never intended to. It was never God’s intent for your emotions to lead you. That’s His job. Think about the last time you ‘fell’ in love. Did some part of the conversation you had with your loved ones include, “He makes me *feel* so _________”? Again, it’s not wrong to ‘feel’. It’s wrong to be led by how you ‘feel’.
Ladies, you have a heart that is precious to God. God said to us specifically (through Paul), “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am” (1 Corinthians 7:8). Yes, singleness, is good. It’s a time to prepare, adore the beauty of your life, be healed, and develop into a woman who can bear the additional responsibilities of a wife.
The role of a wife (and a husband) is that of a servant. Most often, people are not seeking to serve as much as they are seeking to be served. This is backwards and is at the root of most of the marriage failures. It’s selfishness. “What I need from you…” quickly comes ahead of “How can I serve you more?” or “How can I serve you better?”
Marriage is not an arena where you want to risk failure. In as much as God is preparing you to be a gift to your mate, His gift of singleness is a gift to you as you wait. You’ll need that developed fruit of patience when marriage arrives.
About the Author:
She would like to remain anonymous…..
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Something I needed to hear this morning
Glad you enjoyed…
That opening statement of being a good mother, having my own hobbies, etc. is a question I have been asking myself for the last month. This cleared up a lot for me. Working on me during this time of singleness is hard to hear sometimes, especially in those moments of loneliness, but definately key. Thank you for sharing this article.
Awesome…so happy you were blessed in a powerful way Ms. Doyle…
This article is so on point. I am one who ask this question of myself, but when I think of how wonderful God has made me, I realize that it is the man’s loss and that God is not going to put me with just anybody. It is going to be someone who meets the form that he has fit me in my life. I am now waiting on the season of man that fits me like a glove to remain with me til God calls either one of us home. There is so much game out here now, no respect for women, men who have either loss the form of a gentleman, or don’t think that it matters whether he is a gentleman or not because we are so independent. I don’t want a man who has to see me as a weaklen to appreciate me, but see me as a powerhouse and we both cause an explosion together. Thanks for the article. It was honest and where we all have been and continue to go each time we see what we think is an ideal couple.
You are welcome……..keep walking in what God has called you to do..
Am now informed
@bond sounds like u learned a lot my friend
I can identify with that feeling of ‘why can’t I find anyone to love me?’ However, I’ve been single for the past 6 years and I am happy with where I’m at. I’ve used that time to get to really know who I am, love myself and achieve goals that I probably wouldn’t have done if I had a man in my life. I know that in God’s time and if it’s His will, my life partner will come my way. Or I’ll go past his way. Whichever way we do it, we’ll meet. Until then, I’ll keep on enjoying my single life and be happy with who God made me and what he’s given me.
I’ve learned that rushing to get a man for the sake of it is a big mistake. Patience is the key. Also looking too hard for a man doesn’t work either. When I was younger my life was all about always having a man in it. I made some terrible mistakes and paid dearly for them.
I thank God for the years of singleness, it’s taught me a lot about myself and about men as well.
Thanks for this article.
Yes singleness teaches us a lot and it is the place we grow to become what God has called us to be….it’s a very important foundational stage of life…
When I was in my middle, late twenties, getting married was my heart’s deepest desire. I pleaded with God to send my husband to me believing life would be so much better especially when all of my friends and colleagues younger than me were getting married. I felt awful and questioned myself, my worth and my values! Then I matured spiritually and emotionally realizing the amount of unselfishness, maturity and openness needed to have a fruitful and fulfilled union. I looked around at some of the problems married couples were having and some of the problems they had to endure then fell on my knees and thanked God sincerely for saving me from that. Singleness is not a disease…it’s a time of preparation and giving of your life to others in a way you wouldn’t be able to if you were married! Now on my mid 30’s, I’m ready for that commitment….I think! But I enjoy my life….
Your day will come my friend..in the meantime continue to prepare and serve God in the capacity he has called for your life..
Amen and amen!
Thank You Alana
Quentin, this blog is me 100%. I feel like God is telling me to
“Be Still” but this is extremely hard. I am in no way shape or form looking for a man but I’m ready to be found. Pray for me. Thank you so much. Your blogs are truly a blessing to me.
Great article and well worth the read. Unfortunately, too many women see themselves as your friend with the questions. We live in a fast paced, hurry up right NOW world, and expect relationships to keep the pace. Going into a relationship because your lonely is like going grocery shopping while your hungry … you’ll regret it later! To have you share Godly (backed by scripture), emotional ramifications, and down to earth reasons on why we as single women should wait, heal, and grow is as refreshing as it is needed. Thank YOU!
I enjoyed this article. So many times I felt as a single mother, that it was my location and maybe I needed to move. I know now that as I continue to trust God he is preparing me for the mate he has especially for me. Thanks for the blog, I love reading them. This one was another great~ God Bless
that was a great post-but it really dosen’t dosen’t help when you have no children and at 54 you are still alone. you talk of noone to put on contact forms what i do is just make up someone you can’t use your frends they have there ownnds from wo family i work everyday go home to 2 cats go out every friday with friends from work, but if i were to get hurt or sick or die in here i would end up like the woman they found last month she had been dead for weeks. i don’t like being alone .
These are good questions but I don’t think a real answer has been given that really answers the questions. The most universal response to this question is always the same, “Wait on God and just continue to be faithful ( or something of the sort).” But let’s look at this from a different perspective, “Have you ever thought about maybe you’re not waiting on God but God is waiting on you.” Here is the answer, it is a long read, but it is the answer and through this knowledge God will bring you into contact with your Soul Mate and not Just Another Date.
Some individuals have been single for 5, 10, and 20 years or more. Their explanation for their singleness is either that God is still working on them or God will send them their spouse in due time. What these individuals fail to realize is that first, God will always be working on them and there is a part of their character that will only be transformed through marriage.
Second, they fail to realize that they are not waiting on God but God is waiting on them. Unless these individuals get the proper knowledge and apply that knowledge they will be single for the next 5, 10, and 20 years or more. I know a young lady right now that desires to be married but have been waiting on God and her waiting period has already exceeded 25 years. Individuals are thinking that
the power of attracting their Soul Mate is totally in God’s hand, but this is a fallacy, this power is in the hands of both God and the individual. Yet, God will not allow or permit certain things to happen or manifest until we allow or permit certain things to happen or manifest. Also, God will not forbid or stop certain things from continuing until we forbid or stop certain things from continuing in our life. The scriptures say, “Whatsoever thou shalt bind (or forbid) on earth shall be bound (or forbid) in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose (or allow) on earth shall be loosed (allowed) in heaven.” Matthew 16:19b, 18:18
The allowing or forbidding of a thing starts on earth not in heaven. This is why an individual can continue in singleness for 10, 20 years or more, it’s because they will not forbid or bind that spirit of continuation from continuing in their life, and therefore God will not forbid or bind it. But the moments that they will become partners with God and allow or loose the spirit of attraction to attract their Soul Mate God will begin to allow or loose that person to manifest in their life.
When this happen the person faith moves from a passive faith to an active faith and then they will have whatsoever they say. Mark 11:23 However, if you continue doing the same old thing you will continue to get the same results, you cannot expect different results following the same pattern. If you want something that you’ve never had then you must do something that you’ve never done.
Why should you be single when others are discovering the truths about how to find or be found of their Soul Mate? There is an individual at this very moment that is waiting on you. You are their Soul Mate, yet the two of you haven’t met. The individual that you’re longing for is also longing for you. However, one of you must get on the right track in understanding how to bring the two of you together. The key to everything is FAITH. And yes you do have a measure of faith and that measure is all you need to move every relationship mountain that you’re now facing. Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” Matthew 17:21
The missing ingredient is how we’re using our faith. Most individuals have a passive faith. If you want to attract your Soul Mate you must leave the realm of passive faith and come into the realm of active faith. When you say such things as “One day I will meet my Soul Mate, I believe I have a Soul Mate out there somewhere, She will find me in due time, I believe that I am going to meet the right woman some day.” All of this is passive faith it is a futuristic belief that it will happen someday but not today. Active faith is totally different, this type put works behind its belief and this is the only kind that gets results.
Faith is now! Not in the future! Not one day or some day! In order for your faith to become an active faith you must now put yourself in the environment that you desire. Visualize you and your Soul Mate doing things that you will do when you’re together. In other words get your mind and image off what you don’t want and put it on what you do want. If you can capture this thought and idea I am giving you, within the idea itself is enough power to bring the idea into actual physical manifestation. It is not your obligation or duty to make it manifest or to figure out how it will come to pass. It is your obligation to simply have active faith that you have that which you believe. Keep your thoughts and focus upon the idea and visualization of you and your Soul Mate doing things together. Such things as going to the movies, going out to dinner, going to church, enjoying time alone, taking a nice walk in the park hand in hand, or just sitting on the couch together enjoying a movie. You must keep in mind that you’re putting out your visualization to an omnipotent, to an omniscience and omnipresent God that knows exactly where your Soul Mate is. God is just waiting on you to have active faith so that he can produce for you in accordance with the kindred mate of your visualization. When your dominant thoughts are of what you want, and not of what you don’t want then God will reward your secret thoughts by reproducing them in physical form (your Soul Mate). God knows no such thing as failure and there is no such reality in the Spirit realm of asking and not receiving, of seeking and not finding, of knocking and no doors are opened. For all of creation is waiting for you to take your role as a Master of situations and no longer a slave of circumstances, for your inner thoughts and visualization will reflect your outer manifestation
You may ask does this really works? YES!!! I was in a position just like many individuals up here, but when I begin to have active faith, God brought me my wife in less than 30 days and now we have a singles ministry that we reach out to singles and show them how to live holy before God and how to let God help them choose their spouse–he will pick a winner everytime.
I love Dexter’s response.
[K4LC Blog] Why Can’t I Find Anyone To Love Me? A Story of Singleness-> http://t.co/bIv8ZMHd
Why Can’t I Find Anyone To Love Me? A Story of Singleness http://t.co/oFbvaFP7 via @@quentinmccall
Just what I needed to hear because other than having a child I had all those same questions and feelings the woman had at the beginning of the article.
Dexter Jones
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I have been single for over 15 years and was giving up. Thank you!
i know am a good woman an treat a man like a man i be by his side when he need me but i dont get the same
I searched for “Why can’t I find love” and got this site as well as many others. They all seem to have a similar trend. They all mention “bad relationships” or being “tired of the dating scene.” What about us who can’t even get a date. I would love to go on a horrible date. I would love a bad relationship, as long as I got to hold my significant other for a few minutes a day. Am I really so bad off that I’m even lonelier then all the lonely people on the internet?
Oh it can’t be that bad that you would want a bad relationship
…although I do understand where u are coming from…try to expect more!!!! Its out there.
This was very well said really made me think of my singleness as a blessing instead of a curse. Wow! Thank you.
I neede to read this, so eye opening. Why should i continue dating the same men, when i know the outcome?
the hardest thing nowadays is trying to find the love of your life for many of us men and women since the times today are nothing like they were years ago.
Well if the women weren’t so very nasty and play hard to get, many of us men Just Might be able to meet a Good One for a Change. Miracles can happen, Right?
Actually… I think that women tend to “overgive” to men who do not deserve it… way more than they should be faulted for “how can I serve you more”. My ex husband used me night and day like a servant, never took care of me, threw our family under a bus financially to impress his clients and pastors, hit me, hit my son and all the while tithed and called himself a Christian. He went deeply into debt to impress others and gave thousands worth of our things to the church when we did not have enough cash to pay the mortgage or buy food forcing me to borrow from my family. I was taught to keep giving, not disobey and turn the other cheek.
Women are not generally guilty of not serving enough. Women are generally guilty of not putting a stop to someone using them and bullying them so they do not vocalize their basic needs.
I think this is good, but as a young single woman who is leaning toward remaining single, I would like to read more about the single life and not so much about singleness being a stage of preparation and waiting. It can be that, but I think too many times women don’t start to live until they are married because they are told that right now they are preparing and waiting. I want to live now! Some unknown person said, “run hard toward Jesus, and if someone keeps up, consider marrying him” but I’m trying to run hard toward Jesus, even if no one keeps up. I think there are a lot of young women who are afraid of staying single, because they haven’t been taught how to live single, all they’ve been taught is how to choose a husband, and be a good “future wife.” Is there advice for adult single people who have no burning desire to be married? Please take this in the gentle spirit in which I am writing, it’s hard to convey voice inflection in print. 🙂
Anna,
This is one article out of 100’s on my website. The advice is the same even if you do not want to be married, but what is the point of being with someone if you don’t desire to be married. Just desiring people for sex, companionship, etc just drains your spirit and gets old after awhile. Also I do not understand why you feel you can’t live now. I think maybe you have an incorrect view of being single and enjoying life. Take time and read more work on my site…..Thank you for your comment. You are thinking and processing which is good.
Regarding your comment: “The role of a wife (and a husband) is that of a servant. Most often, people are not seeking to serve as much as they are seeking to be served. This is backwards and is at the root of most of the marriage failures. It’s selfishness. “What I need from you…” quickly comes ahead of “How can I serve you more?” or “How can I serve you better?” To a point this is true, however, I went into a relationship with the total heart of a servant. I discovered that he was NOT bearing the heart of a servant. I have a new standard now: If, and that is a huge “IF” I ever get involved with anyone else ever again, here’s my ground rules: “I am either the Queen of your heart or you will have NO part of me. I WILL be respected, cherished, loved, protected, sacrificed for or I WILL not bother with you.” I am a widow of a man who treated me that way. I treated him the same. The next person was a 51 year old man with the emotional maturity of about a 12 year old boy. I gave him 110%. He did NOT reciprocate. Bitter lesson. As my beloved late husband said when people would ask, “How do you guys make it work? What’s your secret to a successful life as husband and wife?” He would say this, “Well, first, love, REAL love, is not a “feeling”. Get THAT right out of your head right now. It is, always will be, a decision. Expect every emotion and feeling under the sun to turn up while you love. Doesn’t matter. Just keep loving. Also, it is not a 50/50 relationship. It is either 100/100 percent relationship or don’t bother. Lastly, learn these words, burn them into your heart, your mind and your soul: ‘I love you. I was wrong. I am sorry. Tell me how I can make this right.”
I have ONLY myself to blame for wasting my time with someone less than he was. And if I don’t find anyone, well, big deal. I’m fine all by myself. I will praise the Lord and find joy everywhere!
@MaryValentine Please stop allowing your bitterness to could you. Serving is apart of God’s system and his way to real love. Just because it did not work out for you with him does not mean it will not with another man. You just gave the wrong man something he could not give back to you. Marriages fail because man and woman is not serving each other. I think you should invest your time in being the best you and as you become your best you…you will attract the right man for your life. Allows look at you and what you did…never worried about others, because you can only control your actions in a relationship. God will heal your heart and bring who can love you. The heart who is meant to love you is still out there. God bless.