I am increasingly hearing women say “men are afraid of relationships”. So, I felt I needed to address this concern. No, folks, we are not doing a lot of ‘churchy talk’ in this article, because I need to address this raw and head on.
Most women have seen men who never seem to settle down with any woman, but then one day they just (out of nowhere) commit to one woman. There is a deeper story here. This story has nothing to do with his fear of relationships and everything to do with his prior sexual and emotional experiences with women.
Men are Afraid
Men are afraid to end up with a woman who reflects the nature and character of the women he commonly meets. In his eyes, a common woman is one who has sex too fast (1-4 weeks), wants to rush into a relationship, or she may have a man, but will sleep with him (she may even be married, but still will sleep with him; she may be engaged, but will still sleep with him). For those of you who don’t think this stuff is going on in our world … it does.
I get 5-10 emails a week talking about the above relationship situations. I also get emails from men and women admitting having 5-8 year sexual relationships with people that their current partner knows nothing about. Plus, in over 13 years of ministry, I have seen 100’s of these types of situations. Keep in mind, I do realize women struggling in these areas have a variety of character and emotional issues and they are not hopeless. They simply have to be accountable for their actions and seek out the root cause of their pain and heal. This does not exclude the man in these situations, because he has to do the exact same personal introspection in his life. Both parties are equally involved and responsible.
Are you really a good woman?
Even women who are deemed as a “good woman” have done some “bad woman” things. “Good women” have one-night stands and suffer from perverted sexual issues. They are accepting sex in the hopes of having love. Women cheat for emotional fulfillment and men cheat for physical fulfillment. All of it is a choice.
Consider a man who has not healed from the pain, fear, and doubt caused by being with a woman we have been describing in this article. He will have little hope in every woman he meets, because both (the “good” and “bad” woman) have the *capacity* to do the same things in his eyes, because he has experienced it.
You can’t keep giving men sex without marriage
Think about it… If a man has slept with 20-30 women within the first 1-4 weeks of meeting them, his expectations of women, as a whole, is low. This is why I always encourage men and women to step up and stop having sex and start saving it for marriage. Once you look like the last 20-30 women he has been with, he puts you into a compartment. What are the compartments? “Wifely type”, “she has potential”, “sex only”, “good friend” and “I will observe her”.
I teach men that a lot of women have sex based on emotions, lust, and attempting to numb pain from past relationships. Once again, accepting sex, but really wanting to be loved or to feel better about a very painful area of her life.
Men are never ready for a relationship until they meet a woman who touches them in a special way. Men have to receive the memo from God and make the decision to get married. Saved or not, all men will desire to have sex with a woman. You will never find a man who does not want to have sex with you. The key is, will he actually discipline himself and submit his desires unto the Lord, so he will not have sex with you?
Men Have a Deep Desire for Love
Men have a deep desire for love and to share life with one special woman. Men truly want women to say no and respect themselves. I’ve never met a man who would taint the beauty of a woman when he knows he is not for her. I can recall, in my own life, two women I decided not to pursue, because I knew I was not ready to be the man I needed to be. I believe in giving a woman the very best of who I am. I never want to be lackluster in my efforts to pursue a woman. I was a gentleman and stepped aside, so another man could come in. A gentleman will never string a woman along when he knows he is not ready.
In closing, I need every woman to understand a man may call you, spend time with you, and get physical with you, but it does not mean he desires a relationship with you. I want to encourage all the ladies to understand you can’t look like all the other women. To expect a King, you must be a Queen.
Remember: Men don’t fear relationships; they fear you being like the “other” women. Learn to be friends first (no sex), truly discover his pain, communicate openly with him, pray for him, hear from God, and discover common values and character. If you do these things, you will see a change in the quality of men you attract and the quality of your relationships…without the unhealthy sexual soul ties. Learn more about sexual soul ties->5 ways to overcome Sexual Soul Ties & 3 things you need to know about Sexual Soul Ties.