I am increasingly hearing women say “men are afraid of relationships”. So, I felt I needed to address this concern. No, folks, we are not doing a lot of ‘churchy talk’ in this article, because I need to address this raw and head on.
Most women have seen men who never seem to settle down with any woman, but then one day they just (out of nowhere) commit to one woman. There is a deeper story here. This story has nothing to do with his fear of relationships and everything to do with his prior sexual and emotional experiences with women.
Men are Afraid
Men are afraid to end up with a woman who reflects the nature and character of the women he commonly meets. In his eyes, a common woman is one who has sex too fast (1-4 weeks), wants to rush into a relationship, or she may have a man, but will sleep with him (she may even be married, but still will sleep with him; she may be engaged, but will still sleep with him). For those of you who don’t think this stuff is going on in our world … it does.
I get 5-10 emails a week talking about the above relationship situations. I also get emails from men and women admitting having 5-8 year sexual relationships with people that their current partner knows nothing about. Plus, in over 13 years of ministry, I have seen 100’s of these types of situations. Keep in mind, I do realize women struggling in these areas have a variety of character and emotional issues and they are not hopeless. They simply have to be accountable for their actions and seek out the root cause of their pain and heal. This does not exclude the man in these situations, because he has to do the exact same personal introspection in his life. Both parties are equally involved and responsible.
Are you really a good woman?
Even women who are deemed as a “good woman” have done some “bad woman” things. “Good women” have one-night stands and suffer from perverted sexual issues. They are accepting sex in the hopes of having love. Women cheat for emotional fulfillment and men cheat for physical fulfillment. All of it is a choice.
Consider a man who has not healed from the pain, fear, and doubt caused by being with a woman we have been describing in this article. He will have little hope in every woman he meets, because both (the “good” and “bad” woman) have the *capacity* to do the same things in his eyes, because he has experienced it.
You can’t keep giving men sex without marriage
Think about it… If a man has slept with 20-30 women within the first 1-4 weeks of meeting them, his expectations of women, as a whole, is low. This is why I always encourage men and women to step up and stop having sex and start saving it for marriage. Once you look like the last 20-30 women he has been with, he puts you into a compartment. What are the compartments? “Wifely type”, “she has potential”, “sex only”, “good friend” and “I will observe her”.
I teach men that a lot of women have sex based on emotions, lust, and attempting to numb pain from past relationships. Once again, accepting sex, but really wanting to be loved or to feel better about a very painful area of her life.
Men are never ready for a relationship until they meet a woman who touches them in a special way. Men have to receive the memo from God and make the decision to get married. Saved or not, all men will desire to have sex with a woman. You will never find a man who does not want to have sex with you. The key is, will he actually discipline himself and submit his desires unto the Lord, so he will not have sex with you?
Men Have a Deep Desire for Love
Men have a deep desire for love and to share life with one special woman. Men truly want women to say no and respect themselves. I’ve never met a man who would taint the beauty of a woman when he knows he is not for her. I can recall, in my own life, two women I decided not to pursue, because I knew I was not ready to be the man I needed to be. I believe in giving a woman the very best of who I am. I never want to be lackluster in my efforts to pursue a woman. I was a gentleman and stepped aside, so another man could come in. A gentleman will never string a woman along when he knows he is not ready.
In closing, I need every woman to understand a man may call you, spend time with you, and get physical with you, but it does not mean he desires a relationship with you. I want to encourage all the ladies to understand you can’t look like all the other women. To expect a King, you must be a Queen.
Remember: Men don’t fear relationships; they fear you being like the “other” women. Learn to be friends first (no sex), truly discover his pain, communicate openly with him, pray for him, hear from God, and discover common values and character. If you do these things, you will see a change in the quality of men you attract and the quality of your relationships…without the unhealthy sexual soul ties. Learn more about sexual soul ties->5 ways to overcome Sexual Soul Ties & 3 things you need to know about Sexual Soul Ties.
@QuentinMcCall I just tried the link and it didn’t come up 🙁 can you resend?
Men are afraid: I agree with your statement of men and prior relationships and sexual experiences. However, I say this that men create the love scene for the female. They are the leaders and a female will go whereever he leads them, even if it is on a path of destruction. Men will never let a woman go before he pursues another interest as he is always trying to keep something just in case. As young women, there aren’t too many women who meet a guy and say that we are going to keep it on the side, just in case. We go all out in pleasing our guy. And so once a man has sowed his royal oats and believe the hype of 5 women to 1 man or in the case of what I was told in Georgia, 25 women to 1 man, men should remember that in their quest, before becoming afraid of relationships. They are afraid because of karma, not so much of being hurt. If we all play the game righteous and fair, then no one would be afraid as what goes around comes around. I say man is stll protecting his ego based on his own actions and not the very fear of being hurt, but past hurts. God made man the head of the household. Again, how do you lead whether married or single? A man can tell a whore to think more highly of herself and she will hear him. My two cents.
To the comment listed above. I signed in as myself and it came up Damion Foster, however, the comment was written by Priscilla Estes. Don’t wanna get Damion in trouble for comments that were not his.
OK..my friend. BTW..Much of want you stated was discussed in the article did you read it? Thank you for your comments always.
I have a question. What if you’ve already been intimate with a guy, after two months, and you two are still dating. I didn’t wait for marriage, as was the plan, but after about 4 months, I have strong feelings about this man. I struggle with wanting to be obedient to God, but not being able to undo what’s been done. You mentioned that Godly men struggle in this area, but are disciplined enough to wait. Do you think that this guy may not be the Godly man I am waiting for?
You remove the sex and start anew. Nah ,does not mean he is not a man of God, but remove the sex and watch the course of the relationship. Don’t just focus on him focus more of you. Place the responsibility on yourself to refrain from sex. Removing the sex will reveal what you have in one area, but you have to continue to get to know someone over time. THe best way is friends before love, but you have passed over that part, but not to late.
This is a must read for women! God bless you Quentin! I learned this lesson the hard way over the past 2 years. I pray that someone is blessed by this and avoids making more of the same mistakes!
To God be the glory Sandi….Thank you for your kind heart and words.
I hear you, and that’s already in the works. We were actually friends first, though. I knew him for about 5 months before we started dating. We just talked over the phone and always had others around when we went out. I just wanted to get an opinion on whether or not crossing that line, so early on, had damaged what could be something special. Thanks for the feedback!
[…] weight on general articles, but this 1 is pretty decent. Are u just like every other woman? Hmmm. Relationship Advice: The Raw Truth of Why Men Fear Relationships __________________ "Real hair, real nails, and real eyes bring real guys." -Common […]
Thank You CurlyNikki Forums
Wow. M blown away. Thank u. I neEded to learn n knw ths. “a man may call u, spend time witg u and get physical wit u but it does not mean he desires a relationship with u” wow
@Lou….so happy you were blessed to help improve your life.
Thanks so much, what an insight. Which all (most) ladies will know this
@Ella …thank you. Always remember when you truly know something there will be application of what you know.
There’s also the obvious: Men aren’t always afraid of relationships, sometimes they don’t want anything serious with the one they’re with. It’s not as deep as some women make it out to be.
Paul, true and I discussed that in the article.
Indeed you did, Q. I think that could’ve been put in bold print under its own section because out of all the things that readers may gloss over in your well written post, it’s the most obvious one that will be missed.
Sometimes, we women ain’t hearing all that, Paul lol
I’m thrilled when men weigh in on these topics. There’s not nearly enough of that.
Relationship Advice: The Raw Truth of Why Men Fear Relationships http://t.co/hh94Gd9m
Quentin, thanks for posting this! It’s insightful into the male point of view that is helpful for any female looking at her interactions with men.
It’s hard to believe that 20-30 partners is a norm for any man. In my mind, that is not a man I would desire to join my life to. But it’s better to have a visual of what’s done behind the charm and the smile.
@LaShawnda…the article stated men and women with that many partners…it’s very common these days for people to have had 15 plus sex partners. The HIV infection rate is not the highest in the Black Community for no reason….Sad, but a reality…the number is not really important it’s what is behind the behavior. The reason why women and men have sex so quickly and expect a positive outcome…the answers are found in the root cause of the problem….as I stated in the article….we have to allow people to be human and grow to another level. Thank you for your comments Lashawnda.
Thanks, Quentin, I read the article and appreciate it. I’m not a common woman and I’m not looking for or waiting for a common man. All our human actions and behaviors have spiritual manifestations – as well as consequences in both realms. I agree that people do need to grow through and past their issues, but that also has to be a focus for them. And behaviorly speaking (re examples in article), growth does not appear to be the primary focus. For me personally, this article highlights that what I may see of a man’s actions is only a small sampling compared to everything he’s hiding.
Thanks again for sharing, Quentin.
@LaShawnda uncommon men can become common men…I am one of them…You are welcome.
RT @CHAMP4Christ: http://t.co/flRQK1X7 Truth on Why Men Fear Relationships …ladies read too!
Relationship Advice: The Raw Truth of Why Men Fear Relationships http://t.co/L5PuneaF #Marmtalk
Good stuff for singles. http://t.co/rlPnZSm6
just wow—->Relationship Advice: The Raw Truth of Why Men Fear Relationships http://t.co/HPJXdsNO
I love this because it so true. Women get confused and think if they give a man everything before another woman does they will win him. However a GOOD man, will be looking for something different than the ordinary man will be looking for. A GOOD man knows he can get sex from anywhere but will not want it from nowhere but that special person.
Interesting article. I enjoy reading the blogs. There was a time when I had had several good male friends (not intimate relationships). Talking to them has helped me understand a little better how men think. So, I agree with everything in the article because I’ve heard it before. I do feel, however, that when it comes to relationships there are double standards for men. I have had guy friends tell me that a man will not walk into a bad situations. Meaning that he is not going to deal with a woman who has a lot of baggage and drama. To me, the issues described in this article is definitely a man carrying baggage from his previous relationships. Whey would a man expect a woman to be patient and pray with him in hopes that one day she will be his prize. If a woman had those same issues a man that considers himself a good catch would not even deal with it. Men always say that they don’t want a woman who talks about or focuses on her exes too much. Sounds to me that this is the same. It’s true that a lot of men will date a woman just living in the moment and looking for a good time. It is also true that there are “bad women” who only date men for what they can get. My point is this, you always here people say women needs to just see it for what it is that a man is only looking for a good time and stop looking for deeper a deeper meaning in his actions. Having a lot of brothers and having had a lot of guy friends over the years, this is a point that I have learned to understand. It is true that these men may not tell a woman that he wants more, but he certainly will never tell her that all he wants is sex and that’s it; some will but most will not. There is some leading on that goes into this. When a man meets a bad golddigging woman the same thing happens. She has a motive that she does not make blatant. There is some leading on. So why is it socially acceptable for a man to hold on to the baggage but a woman gets labeled and “not desirable” if she does? I this this is an interesting article. But, just like the married men looking for a fling, the players who pride themselves on being able to pull any woman that they want, I read and it think it’s interesting but has nothing to do with me. I find me that are capable and willing to commit attractive, otherwise, I keep it moving. I could and have been friends with someone who is afraid to commit for reasons listed in the article. I can talk to them about it and give them support, but I will not allow some woman who did a man wrong become a factor in my life, as well; she will not hold the key to my happiness.
Toni,
Some men will be that way;however, don’t worry about the double standards. Double standards in our society exist on both end of the spectrum. What is important that you understand your shortcomings and work hard to improve so you can be the best for you and everyone connected to you. I desire for you and all of us to be the very best we can be. I man who will love you unconditionally well love the good and the bad. Please refrain from making it a gender issues , because it truly is not it’s a human issue. Turn the mirror only on yourself and be who God has birth you to be and you will attract a King when you become a Queen…..he will accept the past, present and future…..because he will love you.
I agree! That is how I lived my life when I was younger because I (according to the standards of dating when you are older) was too naive to know any better. It worked well for me then. Dating while older, I have come across men, like myself, who have a little life experience and they focus too much on what happened over the years. So, it does make dating a challenge. The last guy that I dated, on our first date, stated that he did not want a serious commitment and was tired of women always talking about marriage. Although he did say it as diplomatically as he could have (if that’s possible), I was somewhat floored and a lot turned off. I told him that. I told him I thought we’d just start with dinner before we start talking about how we felt about matrimony. We became good friends and wound up dating for about 3 years. We are still friends and have a very respectable relationship. And I say this as humbly as I can (because sometimes words can come across differently when you type then than the way you mean them to be). I know that GODS loves me as is and I can accept myself as is. I will always strive to be a better me. I trust in GOD always and know that he is always concerned about my best interest.
I have to add, just when I think I know it all, I realize that I don’t know anything. I can respect anyone who is honest about their intentions, but, hey, tell me your last name first. I would prefer if a guy tells me that he is not looking for commitment and give me the option of deciding for myself if I want to proceed or not. I actually think that is commendable. The guy that I mentioned, we both agreed that we were looking for friendship more than anything. We both were recently divorced parents. Both having just come out of long term committed relationships agreed that this would be perfect for us because we both did not want to date or sleep around, but wasn’t looking to expand our families at the time. We both agreed that our kids well being was more important than anything. We had our schedules with the kids and it would be good to have someone that we could hang out with in our free time. He said his kids were questioning him about his whereabouts and knew he was seeing someone and he wanted me to meet them. He said they were concerned about his well being and who he was spending time with. {We were not meeting up at the hotel, LOL, our dates consistented of going out to dinner, movies- getting out of the house and doing adult things without the kids and away from work which is what we both agreed we needed at the time). He previously told me he didn’t want to bring anyone around his kids and I was actually fine with that because I didn’t want to bring guys around my kids. We decided to take it up a notch because spending time together, of course, we got close. We introduced the kids and met each other’s families. Then it was HE who started talking marriage; I didn’t see it coming mostly because of how he was so adamant early on about never getting married again. We dated for almost three years, but this happened around a year into the relationship. Although I had great love for him, I had to think about how that would affect not only me, but the kids, and I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time. He started bringing up the moral reasons for being married (and I agreed, but had to think about how it would affect everyone involved). It started to put stress on the relationship because, of course, now he is not happy that I wasn’t happy to jump up and get married **blank stare here.** I won’t say it broke up the relationship, but it certainly started all the problems that we began to have. I know that I can be a handful. But, I think that men can be as confusing and hard to deal with as women but they just won’t admit it.
“Saved or not, all men will desire to have sex with a woman. You will never find a man who does not want to have sex with you. The key is, will he actually discipline himself and submit his desires unto the Lord, so he will not have sex with you?”
That was really well said!
O MY LORD THIS IS SUCH A BLESSING TO ME I JUST FOUND THIS WEBSITE YESTERDAY AND I HAVE COMMITED TO LOG ON EVERYDAY AND GET ME SOME INSPIRATION THANK YOU MR. MCCALL THIS BLOG IS A BLESSING AND I AM IN THE PROCESS OF RENEWING MY LIFE.
@Brit..thank you! We are happy to have u!
This post I feel refers more to men who have had numerous sexual relationships and trying to find something more stable.
For emotional and spiritual security, women shouldn’t even attempt court such a man until it is proven he is a servant of God.
Not just men…women as well…applies even if one has had 1 sex partner
Wow! This article is very well said! I needed to hear this!
Quentin I am truly humored about this article because it is always amazing to me when one person presume to speak as a spoke person for others, this article on “THE RAW TRUTH WHY MEN ARE AFRAID OF RELATIONSHIP” should be stated as ONE PERSON OPINION ON WHY MEN ARE AFRAID OR RELATIONSHIP , because for one, I don’t think that a man is AFRAID of any relationship, (at least i have never heard of a man being Afraid of a relationship), there maybe many reason why he might not be interested in a relationship but afraid?…Nah. Also men know the difference from a promicious woman and a woman who’s not promicious and its not always based on if you had sex in the first week of meeting. There are many men who have had sex with someone on the first meeting and end up being in healthy relationships with that person for years or even end up being married and like wise there are guys who have dated women who waited several months to have sex and never got in a relationship with them or if they did then it went nowhere….and the idea that men wait for a memo from GOD to get married..come on are you for real? Some may subscribe to that and others dont because i myself truly don’t believe that so it would be cool if you would say that this is your PERSONAL OPINION and not as a statement of fact that MEN OR FEAR RELATIONSHIPs
by the way this article was filed by DARRELL SMITH and not Lakesha underwood
Noted Darrell Smith as the Author
Of course it’s my Opinion it’s my article and website, thus I don’t have to say anything, because it’s common sense. Anytime you read a journal article, newspaper, etc will be the opinion of the writer, except for fact and news sections. It’s very obvious you are on my website giving my opinion based on my own personal experiences and 13 years of experience counseling men and women. Just because this is not your experience does not mean other men or women don’t have this experience…We are wise and intelligent to know everyone has different experience and opinions. I am speaking for the men on this side of fence and who walk with the Lord…who are still struggling from past or current experiences with women……,thus this my take and you have given yours.
For some men this will be their story for others it will be something else. I shared my view based on the man I used to be and I knew what gave me fear, doubt, etc about women. Also , I don’t think you understood the article or you did not read it fully, because the direction you headed in your opinion is way off from what was written. However your thoughts are noted….as your view..opinion, etc…. We thank you for your contribution to the discussion….
Well I did read the whole article and I am not refuting what you were saying in it because for some guys what you say maybe true, the point I am saying is that you can’t make a across the board statement saying men as a collective feel this way, you are taking it upon yourself to speak for men and it doesn’t mater whether you are a pastor, or councilor , life coach or what ever you maybe its always prudent to be clear and correct in the points that you are trying to get across, and like I said I’m not arguing about the article I’m taking issue with the statement but you did say in your response that you are talking about some men and all I’m saying that if that had been your title initially then your points would have more validity.
Noted…
This is interesting. I have not read any of your work before, but this makes sense to me. Since you counsel men and women, I would love to have your opinion on why seem to get defensive when ever a woman says she wants to talk to him about something. I really don’t understand this.
Joyce,
the reasons will vary….and because I don’t know the details I can only provide general reasons. one reason maybe he has anger issues, thus he is irritable most of the time. Another reason maybe he is stressed…..another reason could be he is frustrated or he feels you are nagging him. Another reason could be he is afraid or has trouble communicating his feelings. I suggest get to the root of the problem and find out a better way to introduce a discussion to him. Never nag a man…,but I think you should really find out what is really wrong with him. If you can’t don’t force it and try other ways…that are healthy.
Hi I am new to your site , Its has given great guidance for me , I just started to talking to someone new after 7years of not dating and focusing on some of the things that i have faced in my past , As a woman you do want to know that it takes to make a relationship work ,or develop something great .. The best advice I could have ever been given was to simply keep your emotions in tact , God wants us to understand that we will have feelings and some relationship will be great some will be bad ,, the key is remembering that we are required to do what is right ,no matter how we feel.. Its not discrediting your feelings , but this has showed me that most of mistakes have come from me operating out hurt feelings in a negative way. I was so uncertain as to how to deal with the new idea of dating and letting someone get close to me , and more importantly how to do so that it pleases God ! So thanks !!
Thank you for visiting and reading my site. I am so happy you have learned valuable information to help make you a better woman. I have so much more to come, so read all you can.
simple refutatuion for point two: are you really a good woman. what about the women who dont get over the lack of emotional availability and connection from men? just like the men the women will have very little to no faith in the men ………… just a humble opinion.. i know the article is geared toward men but just thought that a true point shouldn’t be so easily contested
Yes written about men and I discuss your point on several articles on my site……the goal is to get over and not remain that no matter if it’s a man or woman. It only creates one fail relationship after another. One has to seek their healing…..and take responsibility for the role they play in their own life. We don’t rationalize with victim outcomes……one must grow, mature , heal and change..
Why men wont comment.
i wonder the same thing stephanie. it is like 20 to 2 for comments from women/men. and the 2 were like ehhh, not so much.
Your blog posts are helpful and enlightening Mr. McCall. I am enlightened. I agree with you insight on the matters at hand. I found myself in a position this past year when I accepted friendship from a gentleman. He asked could he get to know me better. I questioned what he meant by this statement because I didn’t want to put him in a category that some men a placed in when making statements like this. He responded by saying he wanted to see if we where compatible on a deeper level of friendship. This really didn’t quite answer my question to my liking but I chose to give him a chance to “get to know me”. We began by spending time with one another, sharing visions through deep conversations. After about a month of this back and forth encounter he invited me to attend church service with him. We would spend endless amounts of time in heavy convo about relationships, spiritual issues and other common topics. One evening while we’re engaging in conversation he asked how I felt about marriage and if I would marry anyone I had pre-martial sex with. He told me that he’s always believed he would never marry a woman who allowed him to sleep with her before marriage although he’s been in several relationships of this sort that did last for a while. During previous discussions I revealed to him the covenant I made with God to be celibate. I had allowed myself to overcome by lust previously and God has delivered me from soul ties. He expressed he was sexually attracted to me and wanted to know my boundaries as far as kissing and other acts that were short of physical intercourse. He stated it set well with his spirit to touch and feel, heavy kissing and allowing certain body parts to touch. This really shocked me because this same man stated he’d never marry a woman he slept with before marriage. I knew in my mind he did not view me as marriage material if he was wanting to go that far. I told him my spirit didn’t sit well with that and I wasn’t willing to compromise. He then said he understood our levels of comfort had different thresholds and he could probably take more before it getting to the point of him wanting to going all the way. He told me how far he was willing to go and even asked to perform certain acts. The more time we spent together the less he wanted to talk about God. We stop praying together and basically anything godly became a non factor to a point. God began giving me revelation about this situation and I told him so. He in turn said God was also speaking to him as well. I explained that we didn’t need to place ourselves in a position to be tempted. He threw up that crazy talk about comfort levels again. He just wanted to feel good without going all the way and how sexy he thought I was to him. The alarm was sounding heavily at this point. I wouldn’t bend so eventually he pulled away from me and o called him on it. I let him know God has already prepared me for the outcome and I was ok with me not being his choice to grow further with. He gave me lines about being busy(he was never too l busy before) and going through some things he needed to sort through. He tried assuring me it had nothing to do with him not wanting to continue getting to know me. I reminded him he was the one who approached me. He called a few days later wanting to talk with me in person . He felt like a real man wouldn’t discuss what he needed too via phone or text message. His words paraphrased. A few weeks went by but he never got around to having that talk. I called him and told him I would make things easy for the both of us by saying it was nice and definitely a learning experience. I didn’t regret giving him the opportunity to “get to know me”. He asked for more time. I agreed because I really did want to hear him out once he figured out what he was trying to tell me(something I already knew). He texts a few days out of the blue saying “beautiful I think we should remain just friends”. I’m like glad you figured that out. It was already revealed by his actions in withdrawing from me. He did say he wanted to talk with me in person. I declined graciously because it wasn’t necessary. WE said our farewells. He has stayed on touch somewhat and
we are not the ones that fear relationships, it is many women that certainly do. there are many of us that want a relationship, but finding a good woman is the very hard part.
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Very eye opening indeed. Thank you Quentin for the male perspective. I was very surprised to read that men want a woman who will not become or stop being sexually involved. I had this convo earlier today with my bf and even though we’ve been sexually active I’m trying desperately to stop. He says he respects what I’m doing although he doesn’t want to quit. I was shocked! This further confirms that my decision is right!
Please consider these and live with it as part of your life. If we were to take these into consideration we would have all being married