Inside of our K4LC community I often get the question “How do I know if a man is serious about me?” I’ve always approached this question from an overall view of the getting to know process, because there are varying factors involved in really knowing the true motives of a man or woman.
With that being said, I want women all over this country to understand it takes time to truly know the real intentions of a man. A lot of what I am about to share with you will take between 6-12 months to see any of it. Often women and men get excited when you meet someone you really like and emotions will make you want to rush things into a commitment. I would strongly urge you not to rush, but to take your time and enjoy the journey.
If you set the standard high and allow a man to be a man, he will clearly show you if he sees you for friendship, fun, sex, wife potential, or flirting. However, you can’t set a standard for any man that you don’t yourself conform to. Be the one you want to attract in your life.
Here are 10 ways to know if a man is thinking long-term about you:
1. He will take his time getting to know you
One word of caution I always give to women is to watch out for a man who is in a hurry to wine or dine you. If he truly is interested in you for the right reasons, he is more interested in having a lot of phone conversations and developing a friendship. He is interested in truly getting to know you, so he will observe you over time. If he is rushing, it’s because he is after something.
2. He opens up and communicates to you
A man who truly is interested in something long term with you will open up to you about his dreams, values, hopes, etc. He understands it’s easier to build a life with you when you can help, encourage, and support his dreams.
3. He will not attempt or pressure you to have premarital sex
Now, don’t get it twisted. No matter how “saved” or how much of a “man of God” he is…he will want to! No need to play games and sound all churchy about it, because it’s true. When he knows he has forever to share that with you he is not looking for quick sexual fun. So, single ladies, you set the bar very high by not having sex before marriage and men will have no choice but to step up. When you remove the sex you remove the men who are only pursing you for sex. Some will pursue for more than sex, but that more will not be marriage it will be fun and companionship.
4. He will remove other females from his life
This is important because it shows he is very serious about you. When you are involved in a serious courtship, having other options around only erodes the possibility of what is before you. Too many options just increases the chance no choice will be made.
5. He wants to date you and then move into an exclusive courtship
This means he wants to take the time getting to know you and move on into a serious courtship with the goal of getting married. Keep in mind that dating may or may not have marriage as the goal. For the difference between dating and courting see these articles:
6. He will introduce you to his family and friends when a serious courtship has been established
This is important because it speaks to his desire to want to share who you are with the people he loves and he deems important in his life. You might call this his credible others stage.
7. He shows interest in your children
If you have children, he will take interest in them and want them to be a part of his life, but as stated above you will learn this over a period of time. So, don’t expect a man to readily step out of the gate in this area. You have to first determine his feelings or thoughts about kids with you over time because it will vary from woman to woman.
8. He says I love you and means it
He shows it because his heart is pure towards you.
9. He will pray and attend church with you
This is important because this moves men into a family mindset
10. He likes to refer to you and him as “we” and “us.”
Last word
Keep in mind these are not all the signs, but I covered the ones I feel are most important if you are confused or unsure about whether the man you are with sees you as a long term option for his life. Please understand friendship before love. Always take everything to God in prayer concerning every relationship situation.
Here’s what I want you to do next:-)
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But what if you see all these signs and are still unsure?
Is it just a praying game?
If you see the signs that is wonderful. It means he is or could be thinking long term. Continue to grow together and enjoy the journey. Remember a real man with pure intentions doesn’t rush
I need help!
Your article is so on point and I feel so sad.
I got saved about 3 years ago, and my life has changed in many ways. But I feel horrible because I recently had sex with a friend I always had some type of chemistry, but I never saw him like someone I could have a relationship with. It turns out that I started liking him, but I don’t know what his intentions are or if he would like something serious with me after I gave in. I did meet his parents because I was staying by him and his parents live by. I have also met a few close friends but I don’t know what to do.
I know your job is no to coach for free or counsel me, but I would appreciate any word you could share with me.
GBY
What you are doing is to show women how to dump a man before the relationship matured to the point where he will think about her in the long term. If I date a woman for 2 months. I’m not thinking about her in the long term yet, I’m still only getting to know her. But if someone comes along telling her that I’m not thinking about her in the long term, it will ruin the relationship and cause doubts before it even get there. This is typical female stuff that help people split up, as if people these days need any more reasons to split up about nonsense. It’s not helping to make relationships work better. You give women as much possible reason to doubt and find fault with her partner.
@Marius. Brother you clearly don’t read my work and nor have you read this article. Skimming is not reading. No where in this article do you read anything you have suggested and what your comments elude to are your own personal issues concerning something that has happen to you. Brother, for over 13 years I’ve worked in ministry to save and restore relationships and never to pull them apart. I’ve also worked as a counselor doing this same period of time helping people understand what a real Godly and healthy relationship looks like. I never support anything you are suggesting. I suggest you read and understand what I have written and contact me for any questions you may have. In my opinion it takes at least 9-12 months to really know someone, so you should not even be considering marriage anytime before that point. However, you should be growing and establishing a strong and healthy courtship, if marriage is the goal for the relationship.
This article is all about helping women determine the men who are not thinking long-term and simply looking for sex or companionship
No we don’t split up with guys like this. We search high and low for guys like this. I’m black-Asian and there is a white guy treating me like this, and he prays with me. Prays right beside me. I have longed for this. If you think I would throw away a good man like this, who wants to wait for sex, and who will pray right beside me in church, Marius, then YOU need to pray. Pray God will bring back your faith and your hope. She’s out there. Wait for her. All women are not bad.
I prayed and waited for this kind of man over seven years, and now I have a man who will pray beside me. Thank you Father, thank you Son, thank you Holy Ghost, and thank you Holy Virgin Mother of God.
1. by the time you know he takes time to know you, you already have a long term relationship going
2. can only men who are good communicators and expressive personalities be serious about a women? does introverts or poor communicators not also have long terms goals with a woman?
3. Can a man who has sex before marriage not want to share a long term relationship with a woman. I have a bigger chance of walking away from a woman who don’t want sex, than one who does. And after marriage you start having sex and he does not like it, what then? what happened to long term intentions then?
4. no man with good female friends will remove them from his life, not anymore than she would remove her good male friends from her life, it should be easy for those who are socially impotent. Normal people hold onto their friends, male or female. Pressure him to remove his female friends might cause him to change his mind about being with you for a long term. If one of my male friends say that his girlfriend wants him to give up his female friends, my advice to him is Dude! Run! Now that will not help to have that long term goal. Love gives freedom to each other and don’t set irrational limits.
5. not all men who will make good husbands will right after a few dates think of getting married. Only desperate guys may want to do that. Sensible men take time to know you first.
6. if he his a white man, and you are a black women, he might not introduce you to his parents if they are still old fashioned. If his mom or dad is a drunk he may not want to introduce you to them either. You can have a relationship without the presents of his parents if there is a reason in his head why he think its better to leave them out of the picture.
7. I agree with he will accept your children too, because if he doesn’t there is a potential problem coming.
8. no man can say “I love you” as well as a player can.
9. if he is a pagan or is from an other religion he may not see the point in that, its not only men from your religion or traditions that can be interested in a long term relationship. If both of you are pagans you wont be going to church in anyway, even Satanists can love someone and have future plans, but there is no way of getting him in church. The bottom line is, what if he requires her to attend his church or consider her as uncommitted if she doesn’t. a man may like going to the same church as you but then mess around with other women, then what does that prove? its an requirement that means nothing.
10. my friends, my collages also refer to me and them as we and us, it is good English. It has nothing to do with his future intentions. I can refer to me and her as, us or we and dump her tomorrow, if I’m not happy with her.
There is no formula to estimate what a man’s future plans are and how well he will stick to them. Who and what he, she or both are may be a bigger determinant to that, than any other theory.
1. No, you are incorrect you have a friendship. You are referring to mainstream dating and I teach Christian courting.
2. I am introverted and a great communicator, so yes overtime even an introverted man will express his intentions.
4. Again incorrect # 3 refers to giving up women who he is having sex, etc..friends with benefits. Again you are not reading…The article does not say give up friends. It says give up other options.
3. Brother, I am a Man of God and I will never support sex outside of marriage period! If you feel you have to test drive then you have other issues beyond the fear of not being pleased . You can read my other articles with my views on this.
5. …I never wrote that..exclusive dating could be anywhere between 3-18 months who knows that is for that couple to determine based on their level of spiritual maturing and relationship readiness.
6. Well in that case that’s something the couple will have to address openly and honestly. I’ve dealt with a few couples who had this exact problem. A few worked out …ok…
7. Cool
8. True, but the key is I said ” he will mean it”, so I am not referring to a player, but men who are marriage minded.
9. My audience and target market is Christian, so they already know “be not unequally yoked with unbelievers.” However, in this case the two people have to openly discussed those differences and make their own decisions. I am teaching best practices and there will never be any one size fits all.
10. This refers to a man seeing a woman as apart of his team. They will walk to together in oneness, accord and a place of consistent agreement. Two people,but they step and walk as one. I never suggested a formula, but I am suggesting this as guide from my experience in relationships and counseling thousands of people. Again, there is no one size fits only just best practices. Each situation will have it’s own set of complications and dynamics.
There is no way of telling from a list of points if your relationship will last or not, whether someone has the intention to be with you or not. You might even develop a meaningful relationship from something that was only intended to be a one night fling. None of those points as a rule will mean anything about the ability for a relationship to progress or survive. Therefore they are not rules to follow. But they may be the cause of relationships not working out if a woman take them to seriously.
Few men will let a woman judge him by such a list of expectations and still be eager to hang around. The first time a woman suggest I’m not committed because I don’t want pray in church with her or let go of my female friends or any thing on your list, I know many men including myself that will rethink about being committed to this woman in the first place. Since that may be as much a personality and lifestyle profile rather than a commitment profile.
Long lists of expectations can be the first thing to drive any man, good or bad away. Relationships should steer naturally into it’s own direction. Both should decide what works and what doesn’t work for them.
I can be anything on that list, but if that woman give me any reason to doubt or stop caring because of things she do or say which I’m not prepared to live with, then I’m gone. If I have a big house I may think twice of getting married out of fear of loosing it. Then it’s meaningless if she wonder why all the things on your list was not meaning anything. There are many men who are everything on that list who is divorced now, abusing their wives, run off with another woman ext. being a family man, church goer, showing interests in her kids, referring to them as us, withholding sex, is no guarantee that a man is faithful, or still going to be with her after 5 years from now, its no guarantee that she is not abusive or unfaithful to him that cause him to hold back.
The fact is, those are so easy to fake for a player, I can do anything and everything on that list and still and be after her money. It’s not even funny how easy it is for some men who have poor intensions to fake it.
It said nothing about whether the man will like what she does or say over time. Because who and what she is, is equally important in an mans decision to commit or not. A woman may pretend to be Gods gift to men, a year down the line he realise its not the case. Your list will not be able to reflect the fact that many men who walk away from women does not do that because they are only interested in sex, or one night flings. But they do so because they don’t see them selves being with that person any longer of things they learn about them sooner or later. Who and what she is contribute mostly to that decision.
I can find good men who are nothing on that list of yours, I can show you the biggest fools and cheats who are about everything on that list.
Your title is religiously neutral ” Single Black Women: 10 Ways to Know if he is thinking long-term about you” this makes it easy to assume it’s not about Christianity but rather about dating. You also don’t make reference to the fact that is only applicable to Christians of particularly your type of faith.
I’m reading what you are writing. The things I haven’t read is the things you haven’t write. You didn’t say that “other options around” means people you are having sex with, options can be anything from friends to acquaintances you can consider a possible option to form a relationship or have sex with. So if I didn’t read the part that it means that “it means friends with benefits” it is because you didn’t write it that way. Because I read the article and not your mind.
Bro, We will agree to disagree. I wish you the best in your endeavors and a healthy future or current marriage. God bless you.
I’ve read different comments to this post. I try to always think with His spirit in me and not the flesh! If we are spirit and dead to the flesh, then Mr. McCall or any Minister’s post will not provoke fleshly responses but will awaken the spirit and provoke change in people! And this is the main reason for these posts and I am eternally grateful for the wisdom.
This is on point. I just realized this in my life, just last week. I am pressing on in the relationship that I am now in as a friendship and now I understand a little bit better. Was glad that you pointed out that it might not be 6 to 12 months before seeing this, because it is important that we may not see it, but it is more the reason of taking our time and enjoying geting to know one another.
Seriously? I’ve known many friends who were in relationships w/ saved guys and the guys all wanted or for asked for sex.
Read the Blog sis..you skimming…I clearly explained
but he saying something different. In my last relationship, I saw all of the signs. But, he would say that he wasn’t trying to get married. He said he was happy with the way his family was and was not trying to change it. So when we used to talk on the phone for 3 to 4 hours every night before bed, he did that because he really liked me? Now thinking back on it it does make sense, LOL. I’d be talking to him like he was my one of my girlfriends. I’d be texting him pictures of my new pedicure, talking about you have to see the cute flowers she painted on my toes. He’d say oh, that’s nice. I’m laughing while thinking back typing this because in reality guys don’t do that, LOL. This is how women chit chat with our friends. We text each other pictures of pedicures, new hairdos new outfits all the time. I liked him a lot and enjoyed his company. But based off what he was saying, I thought he just liked to talk or had trouble sleeping (He did actually say that he was having trouble sleeping when he would call me some evenings). He knew that I stayed up kind of late watching the news,so I just took it that he couldn’t sleep and was bored (that’s what he would say). I knew that he liked me because of his actions (i.e. some of the things listed above and I’ve seen some jerks in my lifetime so I know what it looks like if a guy is full of crap), but I did not think that he was thinking long term because he said he wasn’t. Why can’t people just say what they mean and mean what they say; too much to think about; it’ll have my head spinning.
Now this may sound strange,but this new to me and I’m old as heck. If a guy introduces you to his mother and his family, he really likes you or is thinking long term? I would have never thought that before. I grew up in an environment where everyone met each other parents. All of my friends, guys and girls, knew my parents and family and I knew theirs. You can bring your friends to your mother’s house for dinner. I have friends who have invited me to gatherings at their families house, just because and, I have done the same. Sometimes you might just think somebody needs a meal or want to eat and if you know your mother cooked, you might just say come run by here with me. Or you can just be hanging with your friend and if you are going by your mother’s house, if they are not doing anything, you would just ask them if they want to come along. So, if a guy introduces me to his mother and his family, I would think that he considers me a friend, but I wouldn’t take that to mean that he wants more with me. I’ve been hearing this a lot recently (about a guy introducing you to his family) and I would have never recognized that before.
You answered your own question…if a man clearly made it known he just wanted a friend then ok…he made a decision he did not desire anything more which is ok. This is not an exhaustive list and just because you thought you saw some of these things…you may have misinterpreted them. Everything will not be as clean and smooth as this list…this is just a base level guide…there are far more deep rooted complications with every situation.
I did not read into the signs. Because of previous experiences, I try not to make assumptions. I posted part of this before. In this case, the guy did bring up marriage after about a year of seeing each other, which I thought was “out of the blue” based on what he was saying. He was shocked that I was shocked. He felt like I should have known that it was deeper because of his actions and the type of relationship that we had. Of course, I thought we had a great relationship, but I didn’t think we were ready for marriage or living together. Then, we started having problems. I don’t know, but to me I think before you just jump out there, there should be some kind of discussion about planning a future together. We spent time with each other’s families. He said his mother thought we should get married. I felt bumrushed and overwhelmed. I dealt with a lot of guilt behind that because I started to feel like I was letting everybody down. This made me start to feel resentment towards him. Although he would never just say it, his actions said he felt resentment, too. I think most guys are really bad at communicating. I know for certain that it would never have worked because communication was bad.
[I’m just using this as an example of miscommunication. The relationship ended and everyone got over it and has since moved on]
Well you have to read sis…then comment…this blog is about learning….you can’t learn if you just look at a title and give an opinion when the information I am providing may help you. There are a variety of reasons to a lot of things and a lot of issues will relate to who you are more than the guy…..you being accountable to who you are and where you need to grow is much more effective energy for improving your relationship situations. Everything you have written about I have discussed in the over 60 blogs on my site…which is why you have to read sis..I even have blogs discussing the levels of communication and levels of friendship etc….Communication is huge problem in relationships…because of varying reasons…
We need this same article about women..
I was dating a guy and I made it clear no premarital sex. He said no problem. He was such a gentleme dinner, quality time.. He acted like he had a genuine interest in what I had to say. I felt finally I can breathe no pressure.. I was really feeling this dude. Most of the time when I tell a man no sex that they run away from me… Maybe after the fifth month I started noticing he was distance and withdrawn from me..Make promises never keeping them totally did a 360 on me.. I have a serious problem with men who do not have integrity. Keep your word. So I let it go.. I gathered that it was all about the chase to see if he could conquer me.
about a week ago. I never thought about it until while we were talking. I’ve been married before and in committed relationships. Every relationship that I’ve been in that led to commitment, at some point, the guy has made it very clear that we are committed or monogamous. They will come out and say it. It may not be formal. They will start introducing you as their girlfriend, their lady or whatever. But they will make it clear. I had never thought about that until while having this conversation. So what we came up with from our talk is, if you don’t hear him say it, don’t believe it, LOL
This brings me to another point. While we were talking, she said with her now ex, they had been out on a date. He just kind of mentioned casually, that I’m glad you are my girlfriend because (x,y,z). She said she was thinking, “oh wow, I’m his girlfriend,” and we started cracking up about it. We laughed because we were like so why is it that guys will just tell us that we are his girlfriend or woman and we get all happy about it ROFL. Now, if we (women) start seeing a guy and just tell him that he is our man, we get labeled as a stalker or overbearing. What’s up with that!
this blog in its entirety; I always do. All of the items listed are what good friends would do. Or even as you said, dating does not always lead to marriage (even if this list exists in the relationship). He said he was not for marriage so I didn’t even let my mind go there. Then he pops up with it. Number 2 – open up and communicate. We talked about our dreams and futures. In our conversations, he talked about his future plans. I thought they were great. We talked as good friends would. We never talked about OUR future plans. This added more confusion when he did bring up marriage. What he was doing and what he was saying was very confusing. We actually had that conversation numerous time. It became like a broken record. It got to the point where I was constantly telling him that his words didn’t match his actions. I read most of the blogs on the site. I will re-read the ones about communication.
Great article brother. Bt there is no link to the articles reflectn da differences between dating and courting in this article, as u said the would riGht after number5
What does a woman who has met a man that meets all the “pre-committment” stage points do? should she start praying for him or just let him be. Because praying for him is a spiritual committment on her part, especially if she’s attracted to the man…should she wait to see all these signs first?
is my ex husband using a different name. That surely sounds like something he would say. One thing I learned that if people are not open to listening to different views or receptive to change, there is nothing you can do about it.
“This is typical female stuff that help people split up, as if people these days need any more reasons to split up about nonsense. It’s not helping to make relationships work better. You give women as much possible reason to doubt and find fault with her partner.” Okay, I can’t even wrap my head around this. He is truly blind beyond belief and can’t even see the light. He will always be in failed, dysfunctional relationships. The sad thing about it is that he will always think that nothing is wrong with that. The poor woman that he is with or wounds up with will always be miserable. And no, I am not male bashing or being sexist. I was actually like that before and was with someone who tried to get me to see the light. It wasnt until I actually met someone who was more messed up than me that I was able to see that it was a problem. Sometimes it takes a serious life-altering event to get you to wake up.
Christian dating is not what he is looking for. I bet if you give him one of those mainstream books that focus on attracting a man, not building a relationship, that would make sense to him. The ones that say to get a man a woman needs to fill her wardrobe with sexy underwear and stilettos and wear makeup to the grocery store. He’d be like, “that’s what’s up!”
I perfectly get #1, but the issue is HOW LONG does this supposed to last? I’m at a crossroads with my “friend.” I recently told him that I’m ready to move on. It’s been 2 1/2 years and nothing has changed. I feel like we know each other well enough to either move to the next level or end it. But then I get confused because he speaks in the “we” and “us” terminology (#10). Honestly, I don’t know where his head is or where he’s going with this, but I do know that I’m bored with it at this point.
I could not agree with you more. My exact feelings.
What does a woman who has met a man that meets all the “pre-committment” stage points do? should she start praying for him or just let him be. Because praying for him is a spiritual committment on her part, especially if she’s attracted to the man…should she wait to see all these signs first?
Thank you for reposting these! 🙂
Thank you for reading Michelle
I like to say we front-loaded all of our drama. We were in very different places emotionally, professionally, etc. when we met and it caused drama. I know I never should have stayed. But he has matured and I have grown emotionally, so now we are in a good spot with each other. We spend a lot of “family” time with each other. But we don’t do things with each of our families. His family knows of me and my family knows of him. He’s met my dad and has talked on the phone with my mother. I have met his brother and talk on the phone with his mother. (We all live in different cities, but I feel close enough to have come together better than this.) He has shared some of the most intimate details about his life, his fears, and how he feels about life and what I bring to his life. My salary is almost double what he makes, so he doesn’t support me financially, but he is there to help me maintain my household, car, etc. (We don’t live together.) Neither of us are perfect and our relationship has not been a textbook example of a fairytale, but something about it works. Even though it is “working” I feel like there are some missing pieces, like a part of him is still not sure. In a nutshell, most days I feel secure in this relationship, but there is a part of me that is not sure that I am not living in a fantasy land about my importance to him — that my perception of the relationship might be skewed therefore making me stupid.
I think this article is helpful for those who may not be able to see certain signs in the progression of a relationship for themselves. My ex (fiance) of 8+ years pursued me, communicated how he felt about me (and us), introduced me to his family, got on one knee and proposed..he was very clear about what he wanted. Although we didnt wait until marriage (obviously) to have sex (wasn’t even a thought before we got saved…honestly)…he never pressured me to do so. If a man’s intentions are good with you, you WILL know…you won’t have to guess or read internet blogs for help (sometimes we do this only because deep down inside we already know what the truth is..ijs). Now on the other hand, there are some men that will “act” like they are pursuing a relationship but really are just in it for sex. I think holding out on having sex is beneficial for both involved as it helps to prevent issues that come along with having sex. This article will help some people know when to use caution or keep it moving. It doesn’t take forever for someone to realize that they want to be with you and love you. Trust, I have experience in waiting too long on someone to “figure” out what they wanted to do…don’t give someone that much control over your life. God is in control of my life…not “man”. ~Blessings~
Ok, not sure if this forum is still opened, but Finally a Forum on a subject that I’ve needed an answer to!! This article has helped me a lot.. Thanks!! Sometimes you see signs & even others around you see them, but you never want to make assumptions.. I still have to ask myself from time to time, ok is that really what it is?? Case in point, I’m not involved but have a friend (we often call each other brother/sister) that I admire dearly. He always compliments me in front of others (which is what made me like him). We are both in the same field.. He just accomplished something major where he & his crew had to travel over seas.. Although he was not obligated (we’re just entering into the friendship stage), he made sure I knew his every move.. Often times I think he feels obligated because he constantly attributes the fact that I helped him build his relationship with God (which he is grateful) – to God be the Glory! I have decided`to do away with any thoughts/questions and pray about it.. I know everything moves according to His timing & plans..but reading this blog helps, wow!!
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This makes me feel bad. You know when we go through so much hurt, it’s so hard to accept change and realize when something could be before we mess it all up. I had a guy do this, especially the praying part and invited me to his church. I would have been able to understand a little better and not feel like he was taking a different approach to the wrong thing. He always stressed that we should be friends first and more than anything that was important. I guess you live and you learn.
Boy what a couple of years can do. I went back and read my post from 2012. I was soooo stupid. I was living a lie. I thought we were fine when in fact at the time I was writing about how we were in such a good place he was moving on to the person he is engaged to marry. He never had any intention for me. It hurt, but life goes on.