There is no Biblical position on dating and many people have varying opinions about it (including Pastors, Ministers, and the like). I would like to share my thoughts on the matter. I feel dating should be approached with boundaries and in a way that helps us become better people. Dating can help you learn what you do and do not like, but only if you maintain clear and healthy boundaries.
Dating is an activity for getting to know people. It’s not for sex and using people to numb your pain or aloneness. In our contemporary times, many people date for sex or companionship or a variety of selfish reasons. I am suggesting that people should not see dating as a game, but as an opportunity to learn about self, people, and how to have a relationship.
Dating may or may not lead to marriage… and that’s OK. Dating should be viewed as an acquaintance-level friendship with the possibility of deeper levels of friendship. The key is that you don’t allow your mind to wander into anything more than friendship. Even if your goal is to “Date to Marry,” you should slow yourself down and learn the value of developing a true friendship before really considering someone for anything more.
Often people enter dating with ideas of marriage, but don’t know the person very well or even understand what that person may want or desire. Some people will just desire sex from you and some will desire to use you until someone better comes along. You see, dating with boundaries will help you weed out people with wrong motives and help you avoid getting emotionally and physically involved with people who may lead you to a place of hurt and disappointment.
In dating, the motives are not always clear. If we place a premium on friendship, and not having sex or companionship, the motives will be made clear overtime. The problem we have is when people see dating as a recreational sport of sex, fun, variety, companionship and using people until someone else comes along.
Here are 23 things you need to know about dating:
1. Dating is not for having sex, using people, numbing your pain or dealing with aloneness.
2. Dating is not for having multiple sex partners or test driving sex to determine if the sex is good enough before we marry someone.
3. Dating is for getting to know people and establishing an acquaintance-level friendship with the possibility of deeper friendship.
4. If you remove the sex and do not rush into physical and emotional relationships you will get to know people in healthy ways.
5. Dating may or may not lead to marriage or courtship.
6. Dating is usually a result of physical attraction and not spiritual attributes.
7. In dating, people usually seek out people without seeking God for direction or an answer about the person they are considering.
8. If you don’t take your time with your dating approach, you increase your chances of being hurt and becoming bitter because of your pain.
9. Dating is often motivated by lust, aloneness, and emotional decision making. We need more people who approach dating in healthy ways and not from the standpoint of numbing pain or selfish reasons.
10. Dating is often a selfish activity where two people are not sure about who they are. We have to learn to love ourselves and become whole alone with God. Being happy alone is the prerequisite to having a happy relationship and marriage. No man or woman can do what God is supposed to be doing in your life and there is no way around it.
11. Dating can cause a lot of hurt. Thus, we must place a premium on becoming friends, prayer, and not having sex. We can’t allow our emotions to rule our decision making or allow selfishness to cause us to rush into relationships we are not ready for.
12.After dating for a while and establishing a true friendship based on common values and character, you can move into a deeper relationship known as “courtship.”
13. Courtship has the goal of marriage. Dating may or may not have marriage as the goal.
14. Dating is not the problem. The people doing the dating are the problem.
15. Dating will not hurt you if you do it the right way.
16. Don’t date if you can’t be happy alone or are seeking dating to numb deeper emotional wounds.
17. Dating will have you thinking the sex you are having is love when it’s really lust. This is caused by how you date, lack of maturity, and how you approach dating.
18. God has given us principles to live by and these principles can be applied in healthy dating.
19. Dating with selfish goals is wrong and will lead to you being hurt, disappointed, bitter and delusional about love.
20. Dating should be seen as something safe, not something that is risky. However, if we don’t apply boundaries it can become unsafe for our hearts. Please focus on safe and pure friendships during the dating process.
21. Even when dating does not lead to marriage, we should leave the situation knowing more about ourselves and who we are. It should not be just another disappointment or sex partner added to the belt.
22. Dating can help develop and improve your relationship skills.
23. God can use any relationship to teach, heal, and develop you for who is for you.
Bonus: Dating God is a better option for those who are not ready for a serious and healthy relationship
What have been your positive and negative dating experiences? What could you do to improve yourself and make dating a healthier experience?
Here’s what I want you to do next:-)
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Thank you Quentin..this is a wonderful guideline..
This is a great reference for dating. I grew up in church all my life and have never gotten a better formula for dating than this. As a youth, simply being told not to do it is counterproductive and leads many young people into the wrong type of dating anyway. If I had these guidelines when I was 16, 17 yrs old, I would have not made the many, many mistakes in dating and relationship as I have. Thankfully, I learned alot of these lessons the hard way and this only confirms the direction in dating & courtship I plan to take from now on. Thanks! Keep up the great work.
Thank you Marcus…Many of us have shared your concerns and I can really relate to your story in my on life. I appreciate your kind words.
RT @QuentinMcCall: [Blog] 23 Things You Need to Know About Dating. Please RT. –> http://t.co/bHT1pQlQ
Men can usually separate sex from emotions; women, not so much. If you are having sex with a guy regularly and spending a lot of time with him, but he is telling you that he will never commit to you and does not want a relationship with you, that can be difficult. No matter what the guy is saying, a lot of women can’t understand why he would continue to have sex with them or be nice if he really does not love her; so, we believe in our minds that it must be love even if he’s saying it’s not. Very tricky! I learned most of the things on this list through the school of hard knocks. I know a few people who are living through it now.
I agree, this is definitely an excellent guideline. I think all high schools and middle schools should require that this information be taught. It should be incorporated into the health/sex education programs. It should be provided in churches, as well. I think it’d make a world of difference.
I, agree, this is an excellent guideline. I think that all high schools and middle schools should require that this information be taught. It should be incorporated into the health/sex education programs. It should be used as a teaching tool in churches, as well.
Thank you my friend
Thank you, Quentin. This is great advice!
Thank you Toya
23 Things You Need to Know About Dating – http://t.co/Qdk9cPXj
Pretty much my views on dating (Not a fan of dating, but since you must, do it like this) http://t.co/FQX9Uqc4
23 Things You Need to Know About Dating (Good read, via FB) : http://t.co/kTVXdsQl
I have read information about dating from this perspective. Very refreshing and inspiring.
Correction.. Meant to say I have *NEVER* read informaton about dating from this perspective. 🙂
Great post! I come from a very traditional background (Caribbean and Latina) so my parents actually instill the “date to marry” principle in my head. It’s not good to see a girl running around and dating a different guy every few weeks of so. This was a really insightful article and I can now see the benefits in dating the right way. Thanks!
@KiKi ..Awesome! Praise God for you having wonderful parents. That alone is a wonderful blessing. Thank you so much for your kind words!
This is my Fav. “Dating is often a selfish activity where two people are not sure about who they are. We have to learn to love ourselves and become whole alone with God. Being happy alone is the prerequisite to having a happy relationship and marriage. No man or woman can do what God is supposed to be doing in your life and there is no way around it.”
I definitely need to work on this more. Thanks Mr. Q!
Thank you Speedy Dates……You are correct loving ourselves and healing before love will create richer and fuller relationship experiences.
I really love this post. I sat back and reflected back on my last relationship. I set guidelines. My mistake was not sticking to my decisions. He wanted to put a label on it and I allowed him to do that even though I wasn’t ready for all that. We didn’t have sex, but just putting a title on it was enough. I felt rushed and I began to resent him because our arguements over me not wanting sex. So it was “I’m your man I want to make love to my Queen” RED FLAG!!!! LOL. I had to fight him off me all the time. That is when the resentment began. I accepted gifts that I really didn’t want. I did give it all back to him and left it a lone. Setting guidelines is very important. There is no misleading situations that you can get in. Right now I am dating me. I love it. When I do decide to date, I will keep this Blog in mind.
Thank you for all that you do Mr McCall
People need to know this. Caribbean people tend to be so small minded when they see us with someone of the opposite sex; automatically they are our man or woman.
[…] in today’s society. Courting is step two on the road to marriage (with step one being dating). 23 Things You Need To Know About Dating Contemporary courtship is when couples decide to move into a deeper friendship and relationship, […]
very very true
I am afraid that that bible can be all too clear about some aspects of dating, although not the word ‘dating’ itself. Consider….
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
Galatians 5:
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Yeah and I discussed not having sex in my article but the article is not about sex. I have these verses in other articles…that are about sex, but that doesnt apply to dating. You are asserting sex is apart of dating and it is for some ,but I guess you didn’t read the article before commenting…which some people tend to do. The article is clear that sex should not be apart of dating period. The Bible doesnt speak about dating and 100’s of other issues of life. I..would suggest you fully read before commenting my friend…..I thank you for your contribution..
It would interesting to see how your readers are implementing these insights into their actual dating life. Information is only the first step, but real change requires taking real action.
Based on the wonderful emails, twitter msgs and FB msgs I receive daily thousands are being blessed and changed. Even if it was only one person my job would be done…As with anything in life it requires action and implementation…That action and level of application will vary from person to person,but if they keep trying the results will manifest. It’s about the effort and the process….the results will come. The Bible teaches us faith without works is dead…
Right on Point Quentin
Thank u!
23 Things You Need to Know About Dating http://t.co/DU9jKMbs via @@quentinmccall
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Thanks for this! Dating the world’s way will leave you spiritually broken! I have weeded out alot of guys by asking their intentions.
I think this guide is right, but I also feel like the religious aspect needs to be removed, because it’s like God is the answer for everyone. I respect Christianity as a Buddhist, but I don’t need to respect a missionary barging into my house.
My friend you walked in my house…..I teach faith based Christian teachings and I respect your beliefs. I appreciate you reading..
[…] meet your future husband or wife. Responsible dating is definitely one way that could lead to that (Read “23 Things You Need to Know About Dating”). However, today I want to share some places you should avoid! There are places where your future […]
[…] found an interesting article written by Quentin McCall, Twenty-three things you need to know about dating. I strongly agree with all his views on dating and I also would like to reiterate his last […]
Great article. I am in total agreement with your views on dating. I have shared your article on my blog. May God continue to bless and prosper you.
I’m enjoying the articals on dating and courting. I’m currenting reading andghering information for something the Lord has placed on my heart about educating parents, middle school, and higb school students about dating and courting. I’m looking for info on parents role, when to start praying for future spouses, what age to begin dating and/or courting. Shouldthey only date or court? I’m not quite sure if I’m going to just write material for others to use, or presentations to parents alone, or with their children. To children in youth group or in some other setting. I hope you won’t mind if I use your information as long as I acknowledge you as the source. Thank you.
[…] Author: Quentin McCall […]
Good day… i absolutely agree to your comments here. i was interested in this guy….. he is very handsome… He never payed me any attention however i had the biggest crush on him. Given that i have never had a crush at 22 it was a big deal to me. i was thrilled at his presence… i actually would be like a deer i headlights.. hehe. However my friends well intentionally introduced us. And i now have no spark toward him after speaking for a week. I am diasapointed that i no longer have a high at work but it opened my eyes and let me see that i dont want to be in a relationship. I just want to get to know people and heal fron my past relationship. Plus this guy is not the guy that i have envisioned for myself… He was just really attractive and out of reach… :Thrill of the chase” I would have wanted him to be what i wanted when he isnt what i want i a partner.