Love is a human hunger we all desire. God placed this beautiful desire within us. We all have a love “tank” that needs to run on full instead of empty. This doesn’t have to be limited to romantic love since the love of family and friends is needed as well. Love is what makes life beautiful and worth living. From a personal standpoint, as I’ve gotten older and obtained some success, I’m able to appreciate the simple things even more. One of those things is “love”. My car does not give me a feeling of love, devotion, or a listening ear. It does not text me to say hello, nor does it say, “I love you.” When God awakens me every morning in my beautiful home, my house never tells me good morning, greets me with a hello or says, “I love you.” Our material things don’t provide us with love, they fulfill a personal desire.
Love is a choice not an emotion. Many of you feel that love is based on how you feel, what someone does for you (the old love is action saying), what they offer, how they make you feel in bed, how they wine and dine you, how they spoil you or, pay your bills. Some feel you don’t choose who you love, but from my point of view that’s false. Just as you choose your car, shoes, who you have sex with, the food you eat, the people you interact with, the colors on your wall, and the brand of soda you drink, you choose who you love. Many would like to feel this isn’t the case since they think love is some type of fantasy or euphoric experience. Love is not a euphoric experience; euphoria is purely an emotion.
Some people even think sex and love is the same thing. Worse yet some of you don’t feel loved unless you are having sex. Love is not sex, and sex is not love. What someone causes you to feel is not love, nor is love what you make them feel. Love is not simply saying, “I love you.” In fact , I know that some of you have said “I love you” and knew you did not mean it when you said it. Love is not some game you play until you finally get it right,but a lot of people participate in this kind of behavior. Many are addicted to the feeling they think love brings or the fantasy of being in love.
Emotions were given to us by God to give us balance and protect us. Nothing is wrong with emotions, but when we make life- changing decisions based on emotion is a very dangerous act. Emotion is a tool Satan uses to pollute and destroy God’s purpose. Now ladies and gentlemen, think about how many men or women you have slept with on pure emotion. Be honest with yourself and judge yourself on the issue. You see, this is why we have so much pain from relationships and failures in relationships; we make decisions based on pure emotion! Emotion is something millions of people can provide for you, but very few maybe only one can truly love you. Millions of different people can make you sexually aroused, millions of people can wine and dine you, millions of people can make you feel good, millions of people can spoil you, but in so doing they do not love you. We go from relationship to relationship expecting a different result before we’ve even closed the door on the last one. No, love is not an emotion. We must search ourselves and learn that feelings can and will mislead you.
True love is based on unconditional love (a choice) and not emotion. Emotional love is based on the many conditions I’ve stated previously in this blog. We have to understand that when you make a choice to love someone it will not necessarily “feel good.” When you love based on a “feeling,” you’ll encounter trouble, won’t feel loved, won’t feel you are getting enough attention; you’ll get fed up with, not having your way and you’ll run for the hills looking for someone else. Why? Because you NEVER loved that person!
True love endures. Love is not a race it’s a marathon. Love is for the long haul; it’s not a 100 meter dash. Sadly, some of you treat love as such or you run from it with the speed of a sprinter. We live in a world where people are incredibly quick to give up on people. God is our example of love, and we should all follow. God has unconditional love for us; however, the church is notorious for operating in conditional love and I know this to be true first hand.
Some people love as long as someone is pleasing them or someone is doing what “THEY EXPECT.” As soon as something goes wrong they’re OUT!
We must understand that being “in love” and “love” are not the same things. True love is based on a choice, unconditional expression, and not simply on emotions. Being “In love” is based on emotions, how you feel, what you expect, what people do for you, sex, what people don’t do for you, looks, status, and euphoria. Being in love is not true love.
You don’t fall “in love,” you have to grow into love. Let me preface that statement by saying I believe every relationship must pass through the “in love stage”; however, it must grow beyond this stage for true love to develop. Relationships that fail to grow beyond this stage rarely last and usually turn into nothing other than sexual escapades, what I term “a low self –relationship.” This simply means that people often stay together because one or the other don’t want to be alone.
In Samuel 18:1-4 “When David had finished speaking with Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David and Jonathan loved him as his own life.” When someone loves you as they love themselves, they won’t do anything to you that they would not do to themselves.
Be encouraged, and if you don’t know how to love, simply ask God to teach you. And take action to learn too. Love is a learned behavior. I pray you all have been blessed. If this blog has been a blessing to you please share with your friends and comment below. Have you joined my exclusive group of thousands who have signed up for my FREE audio series? Sign up today HERE!
In his love, Quentin
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lil Moccasin, Joan Clayton M.Ed. and Chrystal, Quentin M. McCall. Quentin M. McCall said: Relationships: Love is a Choice http://t.co/pKyQc7R […]
This blog was definitely a blessing!! It brought points to my attention that I never thought about. I never would have thought about love being a choice, but it makes perfect sense. “Love is not a race, its a marathon” and “some people love as long as someone is pleasing them or someone is doing what “THEY EXPECT.” As soon as something goes wrong they’re OUT! hit home” hit home because until now I wanted everything to happen so fast. Either its my way or the highway which isn’t right. I should love as I wish to be loved After reading this, I am going to be more conscientious about how I treat the ones I choose to love.
Hello my friend. I am deeply touched by reading your comment. It helps me see how God is using me to bless his people. I can tell you fully understand the depth and scope of loving unconditionally and I am prayerful that your new love walk will be a blessing to someone. Love is a choice not an emotion. Thank you for commenting and your kind words.
Another awesome blog!!
Thank you Katrina, so happy you are being blessed. Please share with your friends.
This was on point! You know, the very first thing I had to learn, accept and believe was that GOD’S LOVE was ENOUGH! The peace in my heart these days from that simple fact is incomparable. I know that reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages for Singles really helped me with what you are talking about here. I recommend it to EVERYONE!
Keep doing what you do bro and allowing God to use you to bring healing to the hearts and souls of His people! God Bless You!
Hello Cassandra,
Thank you so much and you are correct that is a wonderful book. Learning the proper purpose and application of our love is so important and it’s very beautiful when we allow God to teach us how to operate in love. Love is a learned behavior. Just as relationships are a learned skill…Be blessed!
Great
[…] In closing, let’s start walking in love and stop walking as if we are better than other people. Let’s stop judging people and learn to love them learn to help people become better. When we enter relationships because of our emotional wounds in an attempt to heal the pain we should not be surprised when we get hurt. We have to date with integrity, take our time, ask the right questions, heal the root cause of our issues, pray, hear God and obey. We won’t have to worry about letting go because we will be too busy holding on to unconditional love. […]
This blog was real and it right I couldn’t say it better thank you mr. Mccall …..I have been struggling with a past Friends ship that ended abruptly and I was taking my time and he told me everyday he loved me and I would say love takes time…but after reading this he was looking for the love from me that he needed to find in god and not ma… I was hurt at the begin but I know the love god ordained in my life will be real and I want be hurt… Your blog clear my mind today I’m okay that I’m single god has plan for me and I’m following him
Hello Lavena,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so happy you were able to learn something from reading to empower and bless your life. We all have motives for what we do which why we must take our time in growing to know people. It’s a journey we all have some issues we seek to affirm through people, but also has to be first affirmed by God. thank u!
This is the first set of words that i have found that are helping me through a trying moment in a relationship…Trying to figure out whether love exixts..I am truly truly blessed and I pray that God teaches me how to love unconditionally! GOD BLESS YOU!
I am so glad the article was able to bless your life. God will teach you everything you allow him to do in your life. Start with learning how to die to self and serving others my friend.
I love this, I so needed to see this! Thank u for sharing this with us
Hello Candice…
You are very welcome
I’ve been surfing through the endless barrage of social media looking for something with insight, depth and a biblical base to delve into. I believe I’ve found exactly that here at Knowledge for Life. I’ve read or skimmed-thru three of your blog entries, and might I say, it is food for my soul. Your advice is accurately interpreted from the Good Book. I appreciate the fact that unlike some others, your reasons are valid and can be proved in the Word.
About “Love is a Choice:” I agree with you. I was once “in love” and thought that what I was feeling was the truest essence of what love could be…but after a painful life lesson, and reading through your explanation, I realize what I was feeling was not God-inspired love. It was pure emotion. It didn’t grow, nor did is progress. It came in like a flood and overwhelmed me. But thank you, for this ministry. I look forward to finding my mate one day and I truly pray to God Almighty that I am able to demonstrate the caliber of love that God has called us to, and that He demonstrated for us.
I wish I could get my wife to read and believe this. I firmly believe that love is a choice. It is a choice we make every day, just like we choose our attitudes everyday. We have the choice as to how we interact with the world around us and how we respond to it. Unfortunately, my wife is in a place right now where she doesn’t believe that love is there anymore. She says that the hurts from our past have chipped away at her feelings and they just aren’t there anymore (no cheating or anything like that, just didn’t always understand what I do now, so didn’t always choose her first or use tones that were respectful to her). I was not always the husband that I should have been, but I do love my children and my wife. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I now understand what it means to love someone more than myself. It took me many years to get to this point (we’ve been married for 15 years). I try everyday to make sure to make her feel special and to show her my love by my actions, but she just keeps saying that the feelings just aren’t there. How do I get her to see that things can be different if her attitude toward what love is would change, and she accepted that love is a choice. I firmly believe that with God, anything is possible. God can change any heart or situation, but it also takes a willing participant to accept or follow God’s will or plan. Thanks for your blog, it helps to reinforce in my mind that love is a choice we make. God Bless.
I can’t believe what I just read. I have been saying this forever. I posted a similar comment on my Facebook page. There is no such thing as falling in love. Love is a process, you grow into and it never stops growing. I’m glad I read this, it really affirms my beliefs. You grow into love you don’t fall.
[…] to be human. Without patience, loving unconditionally will be very hard. For more information read “Relationship Coaching: Love is a Choice” 10. Lay your baggage on the bed together as one. Unpack the baggage and issues you have together. […]
[…] about this, there is no way the relationship will last through the storms. Read my article “Relationship Coaching: Love is a choice” 7. What are your expectations of love and our relationship? This question helps you both clearly […]
[…] next relationship. 10. Really understand what it means to love unconditionally. Read my article “Relationship Coaching: Love is a Choice.” 11. Avoid contact. Don’t call, email, or text your ex. Also, don’t allow him or her to contact […]
My memory is so refreshed with your teaching about LOVE. Thanks for building me up for a good and awesome relationship. A̶̲̥̅♏ really learning a lot from your teaching. May God strenght you and give you more wisdom.
THank you so much Favy
[…] love. 13. You don’t know how to love or lack full understanding of its operation. Read my article “Relationship Coaching: Love is a Choice.” 14. You appear desperate or don’t value yourself, thus you attract people looking to take […]
I am not sure how active this site is still, but i am hoping for some insight. I have been reading articles like this the past week, trying to make sense of it all. I know this is a lengthy rant, but i hope that someone will be kind enough to take the time to read it.
I am 23 and have been married to my husband of the same age ( i KNOW we are very young, but i am looking for mature advice) for just short of a year now, our 1 year is literally in a few weeks. We were together for about 5 years before that. When i first met him, i was madly in love with him, just as all of these articles describe. I had butterflies constantly, was always thinking about him, couldn’t picture a second of the day without him, etc..after about 2 years, those intense feelings obviously started to fade, and i believe a deeper feeling started to develop. This is the man i wanted to share the rest of my life with, grow old with, have a future with. but at the time i may have confused it for what everyone seems to be describing as “falling out of love” Although i had these feelings for him, he still remained very much in love with me. After a few months of feeling like this, while even at times i felt my eyes wandering elsewhere, wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (because i missed that feeling of infatuation, i think), i finally brought it to his attention. The way it was handled came down to us taking a “break” to see how things would settle, and it was like the minute i didn’t have him, i wanted him all over again! We got back together and suddenly those feelings of infatuation were back! But only temporarily, maybe months before i started becoming attracted to other people again. Unfortunately i let this get the best of me this time, and ended up sleeping with his best friend, who i felt “giddy” and infatuated around the whole time. This was in turn, devastating to our relationship. I felt so guilty about it i told him the very next day. We ended up working through it, even though there were trust issues, he eventually learned to trust me again. I was very thankful for being able to work through it, although it was very hard for him.
Only about a few months later, i felt myself straying away again. I didn’t want to have anything physical to do with him. I didn’t want to have sex, i didn’t even want to kiss him or even be close to him. The thought of physical interaction with him disgusted me. I didn’t understand this because he has always been able to satisfy my sexually, there were and are absolutely no complaints about performance, in fact, he is the “best” i ever had. There wasn’t or isn’t currently anything about him that i found unattractive, i have always thought he was physically attractive, in fact, i find him more physically attractive now than i did a few years ago. But why was i having these feelings? I couldn’t believe it, after all we had been through, and the amount i had hurt him, how could i even THINK of wanting to be with another man again? As soon as i started feeling that way again, i immediately broke things off with him, once again, in order to “pursue” my urge to be with someone else so i could stop myself from being unfaithful to him. After a few months of dating others, i just felt empty and incomplete, like a piece was missing and ran right back to him and felt in love with him all over again.
This time, about 5 or 6 months after getting back together, everything was wonderful. It was like i fell in love with him all over again. It was soon after this that he decided to Join the Navy because of financial issues (i had pretty much been his care taker in the past years before that), and only a few months later, was shipped off to basic training for 5 months. The time away with him was one of the worst feelings, i wanted nothing more to be with him, and the amount i missed him was like i have never missed or longed for someone ever before. I couldn’t wait to see him, and finally when that day came, at his graduation, in the drill hall, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, and of coarse, without a second though, i said yes. We both went back home and had about 2 weeks to spend together before he would have to rush off to A-school in a different state. We decided to just have a court room marriage, because it was the easiest option financially and would guarantee that we would be able to live together in base housing after he got out of school and went to wherever he would be stationed next. After we went through with it, he left for school and the few months he was gone, i was very excited to start my new life with him when he was out. After school, it was on our way to Washington, so i prepared for the move and went with it.
When we finally got settled in, everything was going great, we were both living the life we had always wanted together. It wasn’t until only about a month later, i found myself in the same situation it had always came down to in the past. I was starting to become attracted to one of our mutual friends in Washington (also in the navy, my husband actually went to corps school with him, and coincidentally they got sent to the same state) I didn’t act on it, or make it obvious, i just hoped it was a feeling that would pass. However, i found myself, once again, not wanting to engage in anything sexual with my husband, and on top of that, i was always so irritable around him, for no reason. We were frequently at each other backs, and more often than not, it would always come down to his lack of being able to communicate well, or lack of sex (which seem like very petty problems, nothing that cant be worked through, right?).
Unfortunately, my husband had to leave for his first deployment only about 2 months after. He is still currently on deployment, and has been since July. He will be back at the end of February.
I regret to say i am now having an affair with this friend i mentioned before. We started out spending a lot of time together, initially as friends, but feelings for each other grew, mutually. It started out with a kiss, and some touching, but as days progressed and we spent more time together, we ended up having sex. It happened again, a few days later before we both tried to put an end to it, because i was married, and this inst something either of us would normally do, and both of us felt extremely guilty about it. Temptation was too strong, and after only a day or two, we continued on sleeping together, and as weeks and months progressed, it is to the point now where he is practically living with me. He is really great, and i care about him a lot, He has a lot of things to offer, is a great communicator, he is fun, exciting, social, but i am not saying my husband doesn’t have great qualities either. Everyone has faults, and just because someone isn’t “perfect”, doesn’t justify a reason to divorce them, i know those types of things can be worked through.
Things have gotten really serious with the 2 of us, he has told me he has fallen deeply in love with me, as i am feeling the same way with him. He is very understanding of the situation, i talk to him openly about my husband and the way i feel about him. I keep going back in forth now, not able to make a decision. I feel like im missing something, Should i really be with my husband? If i choose to be with him, i realize i need to devote myself 100%, could this be worked through? Are the feelings i keep experiencing with my husband normal? I can’t picture my life without him in it. I don’t know if it is because i am used to being with him for so long, that i am afraid to let him go. Can i really learn to love him again? Is our relationship destined to be on a much deeper level? Is the affair i am having a result of me wanting to have those feelings of infatuation again? One day i am positive i want to stay with my husband, but the next, i am so sure it will not work out and i find myself wanting to start a new life with this new person.
When i think about losing my husband, i can’t bare the fact. We are financially stable for the most part, i have a place to live, food to be put on the table, i am a full time house wife, and i have the option to work, and he supports that. At the same time, things have gotten so serious with this other man, i can’t bare the thought of losing him now. I can also see a future with him, but it wouldn’t be as secure as my husband. It would take a lot of work, i would have to find a job quickly and it would have to be secure and guarantee persistent pay. Housing would no longer be paid for by the military as i wouldn’t be married anymore. I do have some trust issues from past relationships, and my husband is the only person i fully trust. I don’t know if i trust this new person because i don’t know them that well yet. But i could see myself being able to trust them in time. On top of that, my husband is also my best friend, and i cant bare the thought if i walk out on him, i wont only be losing my husband, but my best friend, I also like the fact he is my best friend, i wouldn’t want it any other way. I just want to know WHY i have been feeling the way i have for so many years, and if it is too late to be able to fix things with my husband, or if i could learn to love him like i once did. Or am i just really not supposed to be with him? Why does it hurt so much and have to be SO confusing? I have really dug myself into a big hole, but i’m not sure how to get out. I always think what if i make the wrong decision? What if i choose my husband but it doesnt work out, and i lose the other person? Or what if i chose the other person and constantly feel like there was more we could have done to help our marriage?
I am currently in therapy, and that is helping a little bit, and i plan to not tell my husband about the affair, as it will only hurt him more. Even if we decide not to stay together, i dont want him to have trust issues with other women. I have talked with my therapist and came to the conclusion, the guilt i will carry on my own is enough, and telling him is only a selfish act of dumping my guilt and feelings on to him to make myself feel better, but only making him feel worse.
I would also like to mention, through all of this my husband has never had these same feelings as me, he is always torn every time i bring it up, and i feel bad that i keep doing it. We both know we can’t keep going in circles.
Is it possible that you can choose the person you love? If i choose my husband, could i learn to love him again? If i choose this other person, could i as well grow to love them? Is the stability,comfort, and bond i have with my husband a good enough incentive to stay with him? Or am i just fooling myself out of something else to much bigger than that? I used to think there was that that “one” person out there for everyone, but i am starting to see a little differently based on all of these articles i am reading.
i love your blogs,KEEP IT UP Quentin
I agree with you as you stated true love come from God.Until you have tapped into heart of God in reality you can’t truely llove anyone it’s a gift fro
[…] is a choice and not an emotion. Thus, unconditional love grows, and we do not fall into anything (See Love is a choice not an emotion). It’s never been easier to “fall in love” and more difficult to grow “to love.” There […]
[…] is a choice and not an emotion, thus unconditional love grows and we don’t fall into anything. (See Love is a Choice not an Emotion) There are thousands of websites where people can meet people including FB and Twitter which […]
Quentin you are amazing you know that? may God increase you in every area of your life. Thanx.
This is an amazing outlook on Love; thoroughly enjoyed it! a must-read for intermediate or advanced Lovers [individuals].
Thank you my friend…. Thank you for reading and commenting.
[…] Here is what mature men want in a woman: 1. Ability to love him unconditionally – A man likes to know his woman will always be there for him, still loving him… even if he fails her. He likes to know she will be there for him and with him in the good times and the tough times. To learn more read Love is a choice not an emotion. […]
Amazing article!! Very well structured! I was actually just putting up a blog post about the Power of Love and was looking for a few external blogs on the topic. If you wouldn’t mind I would honored to use this page as a link in my content
Well written, but totally off base. Love is NOT a choice and its actually the ONLY emotion. Fear on the other hand is a choice, although it is merely an illusion. God tells us throughout the Bible that we should learn to see love in everything not because we have a choice but because whether we see it or not its always there. Once we accept that there is no fear, no evil and no death as Jesus taught us all we will see is love…not by choice but because thats ALL there is.
@Theodore…it’s only off base, because you disagree. Just like I disagree with your thought process. Many simply like to believe in a certain frame of thought ,because they struggle in understanding or accepting what is. You live according to what works for you because God has given you that “choice.” (His permissive will)…Allow your truth to be your truth.
My McCall, This blog is really a help and an understanding in what is happening in my life, this shows me that my wife really loved me, this is the kind of love she has been showing me and I am beginning to reciprocate, this blog has become an eye opener to my life, I will way thank you McCall, GOD will continue to enrich you with more inspiration and Blessing. Blessing to you and your family.
Mmm…………….lost 4 words. I have a lot of work 2 do on my mindset.
i am so interested to learn more from this blog.
If I expect care and respect From one I love…
Does it mean that my love is based on conditions…
Is Just being love by someone sufficient.???.. neither i expect any gifts or materialistic things nor I wanted him to make me feel special… I just want respect and care for me … r these conditions???? Aren’t they mandatory for a relationship? ?…plz help..