A common question about dating, courting, and then marriage is, “What if we get married and we are sexually incompatible?” I believe sex can be worked out no matter the issue, assuming you have a devoted and loving couple dedicated to serving each other. This is one reason God wanted us to save sex for marriage. Imagine having a partner that only you have experienced, thus you have no one to compare them to. How much fun would it be to learn and discover sex with a hubby or wife with you both being each other’s first?
Ok, back to reality. I do realize for 80-95% of us that will not be our reality, so let’s deal with it. Even us saved folk who walked with God may have a sexually filled past with deep knowledge and understanding of what we like and don’t like sexually. So, I can understand the concern of some people in this area. If you are a Christian single and you have faith in God and trust in him I don’t feel this should be a concern assuming you are trusting in God.
Personally I’ve not even thought once that the woman I will marry will not please me sexually, so for me when this question is posed I feel it’s coming from a selfish and fearful place within people who worry about this. The Bible teaches us perfect love casts out all fear. Thus, fear and love can’t exist together. If you have unconditional love for the person whom you marry then this will not be an issue. I believe there is nothing two people can’t overcome walking together as one.
Do you remember the record store Blockbuster Music? For those who don’t remember, they allowed customers to sample any CD in the store before they purchased the album. If the customer liked enough songs, most of the time they would purchase the entire album. Sadly, this is how a lot of singles view sex, dating, and courting before marriage. You try out as many people as you can until you find what you like. You might have sex with anywhere from 50-90% of the people you date.
Mr. Paul Carrick Brunson of http://onedegreefrom.me/ a matchmaker and relationship coach teaches his clients the very opposite of what I am suggesting. He believes in what he terms the “Test Drive Theory” From the name you can determine clearly what that means. Paul and I had a friendly discussion about this on twitter about 5-6 months ago. I like what Paul is doing in improving love and relationships I just don’t agree with him on this issue concerning sex before marriage.
I don’t think it’s healthy to determine first if we like the sex, before we consider marrying someone. I think it’s wrong on so many levels biblically and morally. Here are 5 reasons sampling sex can be deadly:
1. You can develop a sexual soul tie. A sexual soul tie is something I am going to address deeply in an upcoming blog.
2. You risk contracting a sexually transmitted disease and unwanted pregnancy.
3. You will create a pattern of behavior that will be hard to break once you are married.
4. You reduce sex to “an act” instead of a deep spiritual connection of the spirit. If you treat sex as a cheap act, then it will always have expensive consequences which can lead to an unhealthly emotional attachment.
5. Sex before marriage does not cause intimacy or pleasure. All it does is prevent intimacy, and pleasure from happening with your future spouse. All the soul ties, memories, and comparisons will drive you crazy as you try to make who you are with like your past sexual partners. I believe in a concept I call “vaginal masturbation” It happens when a couple is having sex and one or both parties are fantasizing about an old lover. Their bodies are there, but their minds are with a previous lover. Love yourself enough and have enough faith in God that your future spouse will be everything you need. Selfishness pushes you away from God’s best. Love and faith will have you right where you are suppose to be.
What other tips can you think of?
Here’s what I want you to do next:-)
I’m glad you read this far, because it means you’ve learned a lot of good information that will help you when put into practice. Here’s what I want you to do next …
- If this article is doing it for you, click the re-tweet button or face book share below to share it with others.
- Share your comments below.
- Sign up below for my free 20 day audio series and K4L newsletter for additional content to help improve your life, relationship and career.
Great article, but you left out one very important deadly venom. Having sex before marriage may cause children out of wedlock and with 70% kids in the world being born to black unwed moms, it is a BIG issue that needs to be addressed….. Lots of these kids have issues in life because of this very thing….Just adding in my 2 cents. GOD Bless
Hello Tera,
Yes I did my friend read #2:-) …Thank you for your comment. I agree totally my friend…
You are so right on with this topic and your points. I’ve long understood exactly why God instructs us to not fornicate and to wait til marriage to have sex. Just think of how many promblems would be eliminated for a couple, their children, our communities and the world if this was something that we totally adhered to the way God our Father intended us to! Less institutions, less single homes, probably less crime and less need for welfare and less divorce! I once belonged to a church that had firm scriptural convictions for the sake of their Singles to maintain their purity til marriage. I thought that was so awesome! I’d wished that I had been blessed with that kind of covering but I wasn’t. And soo many people want to cry and blame God or even dis God when they didn’t even do it the how God told them to do it! ~Tam
Hello Tammy,
Thank you for your comment and insight into a very serious issue. Something we all have struggle and none of us being immune from it. As a single person it’s a daily struggle and something one must purpose to do until the appropriate time of marriage. Something we must pray and ask God to help us with as we develop the discipline and lifestyle to wait until marriage.
I agree with all of them, especially #1: soul ties. I think a lot of people don’t realize that they’re not only connecting physically but spiritually in a sense. And even if they have gotten over their mate or whomever they were with in the physical realm, they still can be carrying on soul ties that can be passed to others. I see that you mentioned you are going to write an upcoming blog post on this. You may also want to include (not saying you haven’t planned to) how to get rid of soul ties. I feel like there are people who have these tied relationships, don’t know how to deal with them, and fall back into where they were again. None-the-less, great post. I love reading your articles. You’re a blessing.
@Ashley,
Thank you so much my friend. Yes, sex is spiritual indeed and Yes I will be covering all aspects of it. It will be a series long look at different aspects of soul ties. Thank you so much.
Quentin, I have to agree and disagree simply from personal experiece. I have 4 daughters, with whom I’m very open honest and frank with. ” two people who don’t know what they are doing sexually can’t be disappointed. They have nothing to live up to. Stay a virgin and for goodness sakes marry a vigin!” is what I tell them. I married a saved sanctified, Holy Ghost filled woman that was completely sexually uninteresting to me. She was a prude, boring and we didn’t sleep tofether for the last 2 years of our marriage because she did nothing for me. Obviously, I didn’t keep it from her, that unbiblical. But,when she was done…I was. So the notion that “trust God and she’ll be perfect for u” I ain’t buying! I know better. Now my current wife (after 11yrs of being single), we had months of discussions about our sexual tastes, fantasies, desires, likes and dislikes…didn’t sleep together but we talked in DETAIL! That’s my only point…this blind stuff…I’m gonna trust…blah, blah, blah….that’s y the divorce rate is higher in church than in the world…saved ppl unequally yoked! Ya’ll better talk about EVERYTHING!!!
Gerald,
Maybe you missed the intent of the post. The intent of the post is to save it for marriage and walk in faith with God concerning sexually compatibility. At any rate no one stated you don’t discuss likes or dislikes sexually assuming one is not a virgin. The woman I marry will clearly know all of that from me and I from her, but our union will not be based solely upon that. Our union will be a ministry unto God and glorifying him and every way. Your situation is noted and some who will have your story because being in ministry over 13 years I’ve heard similar stories and trust me brother it was a reason she was like that( 1st wife) . You see you have to expand your mind not every woman who is saved has the same situation or man for that matter. So your situation is your truth and I appreciate you sharing and adding to this discussion. I teach people to talk about it all right down to sexual history and partners. So “blind” in this post means you don’t have sex, not talk about it….thank you Gerald
Thank you so much for posting this great information! There are so many Christian singles out there that need to hear this. I definitely agree with everything and I just want to say that I think that the married life will be a whole lot more fulfilling if I don’t have to spend the time that I should be spending building the relationship with my spouse, trying to free my mind and spirit of the consequences of previous relationships and “hook-ups”. I do intend to wait on God’s best for my life because I know that He definitely knows a lot better than I do what is in my best interest and what will bring Him the most glory out of my life. Thanks again and keep sharing! 🙂
@Domonique
Thank you for your comments. I agree…your life spent sharing and exploring with your future hubby will be worth it. I always say when we have sex before our time we already cheating on our future mate because we have to get rid of those spirits to fully embrace who is before us. Stay encouraged! -Q
Wonderful info very fruitful………I had a convo just yesterday with a male friend in Charlotte nc and I’m in kansas we keep in touch and we had that same convo about if size matters to me…..I told him that I not focused on size I’m more focused on if you will love , treat me with respect be my friend and protect me as a man should sex is something that I believe is not of important once you get older and u truly love that person friendship and keeping god in your relationship it will grow and the sex will be great no unhappiness just unconditional love
@Lashay,
Amen sis that is powerful and the exact premise of the blog. Encourage him to read this article. The biggest and most important sex organ is the brain. When you truly are loving and connected the right way sex will always be pleasurable. Thank you Lashay for your honesty
Welcome….I’m just god child pushing and fighting this race and not giving up I know god has my life in his hand I’m keeping my faith for my future.
Thanks for sharing this =) am totally blessed! Lots of love and blessings to you sir, from Nairobi, Kenya.
You are very welcome. Thank you for your comment and your kindness
Thanks for this post.Just came in very very handy!
I used to think sex before marriage was normal up until the Bible made it so clear to me that this was not in God’s plan for mankind otherwise fornication wouldn’t be classified as a Flesh issue…
It’s sad saved people don’t wanna talk about sex,we just wanna read in between the lines of being unequally yoked and pass judgement and yet we having more divorces than the unbeleivers.
Looking fwd to reading more of your stuff 🙂
Hello Khanali,
Thank you so much. I look fwd to being resource and a blessing. I appreciate your readership and comments my friend:-)
I was in a women’s fellowship group once and the question was asked “Ladies would you marry a virgin?”. I was so saddened to hear that so many ladies say “No. I want someone with experience”. I dont understand why that would be a “turn off” if you have the rest of your life to get it right lol
Wow….that’s not very good to hear inside of church fellowship ..sounds like some women have not submitted to their will to God fully
great article! everything you pointed out was what i had to learn the hard way. it’s very important that youth ministries teach this also. too many times adults just tell children don’t have sex because the Bible says so, but they don’t understand the repercussions that are involved, & they continue the cycle of heartbreak, a fragmentation into adulthood.
one thing i didn’t see you mention (may have overlooked it) was how much sex clouds our objective opinion of the person we are dating. from my experience: we end up accepting things, that we don’t want or agree with just because the sex made us THINK we are in love (esp. women).
keep up the good work
No I didn’t overlook…was not apart of this article, but it is discussed in other articles. It’s one of those things people already know, but act like they don’t. Sex have much deeper affect on people which I also discuss in other articles….”Soul ties” ,so view those articles for deeper discussion. Thank you my friend.
I love this article! Its very inspiring. I’m a young Christian woman who is struggling with keeping myself pure. This article is such an eye opener…but I still need a lot of prayer.
Continue pressing fwd my friend…you will overcome in Jesus Name!
Good read..so timely for me. Thanks for sharing brother. Looking forward to the next
Amazing. God bless you x