I felt deeply led by God to blog about this issue. We often hear from pastors, friends, life coaches, family, etc that we should abandon people simply because things are not going our way. Yes, there is a time to let go, but there are also times we have to hold on. But, the question is when do we hold on and when do we let go? There are no cookie-cutter answers on solutions, but I will offer up some suggestions to help foster more loving and conducive interactions:
1. First, it is important that we stop rushing into relationships. I personally believe we could reduce broken hearts by 50% by learning to take our time and get to know people. We have to learn to ask the right questions and, most importantly, praying about the person you have interest in. You can’t risk making emotional decisions because your feelings will mislead you.
2. 85% of all the pain we have experienced from relationships is self-inflicted. That means we hold on or enter relationships out of our past pain, unresolved issues, selfish motives, peer pressure, societal pressures, or inability to handle being single without feeling the need to have someone. When we decide to be with someone simply because of a benefit or because we desire love, so bad that we believe the first person who quote “show us”, we are setting ourselves up to be hurt and disappointed over and over again. We all know the person who speaks, so highly about the “new girl or guy.” They begin the relationship all “in love” then just 4-6 weeks later they are telling a new person in their life the exact words. This happens all the time; yet, we continue to learn the slogan “let go” when the truth is the person letting go maybe the problem. Not everyone is a victim of their pain; some are direct participators. Again we have to judge our self and the role we play.
3. We have to stop placing unrealistic expectations on people and allow people to be human. Now are there people who have certain issues that need to be worked out alone with God, without being in a relationship? Yes, which is why we have to take it slow and be led by God.
4. Conflict doesn’t equal bad. I see this type of thinking way too often. In a lot cases conflict can lead to a deeper and more intimate relationship after the conflict is resolved. Failure is not forever and neither are human mistakes or problems. This idea that people can’t have healthy conflict that may strengthen the relationship is wrong.
5. Be careful of entering into relationships with people who are quick to run, quit, give up, or walk away. This means that you want to be with people who can give you grace when you make mistakes and to whom you also can give grace. You see, we have people who expect you to accept them as they are, but as soon as you do something wrong they attack you or judge you. Truth is we will all make mistakes in loving people, but we can also grow from those mistakes to become better men and women.
6. If we run from everything that is hard, uncomfortable or not our way we will never be able to love unconditionally. Please note loving unconditionally does not mean we accept negative behavior, nor does it mean we run in every case. Again people we have to pray and discern the direction from God.
7. Examine your motives and the motives of the person you have interested in. Our motives, good or bad , speak to why we desire to be with someone. Some of us don’t have pure and healthy motives for desiring a relationship; our motive is about us and not about sharing a life with someone. The opposite of love is selfishness, so when we have selfish motives for doing anything we have already sowed a seed for it to fail. It’s okay to like someone and not be in a relationship with them; not every good man or woman you meet is for you to explore a relationship with. Let’s stop feeling the need to be in relationship. We have to discontinue being needy because it only attracts the wrong people.
In closing, let’s start walking in love and stop walking as if we are better than other people. Let’s stop judging people and learn to love them learn to help people become better. When we enter relationships because of our emotional wounds in an attempt to heal the pain we should not be surprised when we get hurt. We have to date with integrity, take our time, ask the right questions, heal the root cause of our issues, pray, hear God and obey. We won’t have to worry about letting go because we will be too busy holding on to unconditional love.
What advice and ideas can you provide to help foster healthy growth between men and women?
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[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Robin Couch, kandee andee, Quentin M. McCall, Shon Hyneman, Quentin M. McCall and others. Quentin M. McCall said: https://quentinmccall.com/a-shocking-thing-68-of-black-men-and-women-do/ […]
Hi, Mr. McCall!
Can you explain to me where the 68% number came from? It was in the title, but where/how was that data collected? Or was it simply an attention grabber (it worked!)?
Numbers 1, 2 and 5 really resonated with me. Personally, I got married not long after my father–who I was very close to–died. That was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. Everything came to a standstill, and now, 6 years later I’m finally starting to pick up the pieces…with a child in tow.
I really appreciate your candor in presenting this raw truth! Thanks, and be blessed!
Hello Harriet,
Just my opinion no real data and yes an attention grabber. I am so happy the article was able to touch you and bring more light to your own personal situation. I encourage you to continue to learn from it and help someone in similar situation.
Mr. McCall I totally agree with you that one needs to venture into a relationship SLOW and build a friendship first. I have had to learn that I am not perfect so I cant expect to attract or luck up with a Perfect Mate, I have also learn to accept people for who they are Flaws and all, and if these are flaws i can deal with and grow to understand or make the person better then i am in it until there is no more fight, My BIGGEST problem is allowing someone to except me for who i am often times us women SOME will get a guy to open up and tell us about there likes, needs, and wants in a woman and at times they will begin to mention what they dont like, so in the back of our mines if we hear something that we are capable of doing we TRY OUR HARDEST to be everything that this man wants, when with some of what he is saying shows that there is still some HEALING that needs to be done, this is when we should pump the brakes and slowly back off a little not so much bail out on them but everyone needs there time and space to really heal, and I see just from reading some of the other blogs, this is WHERE I HAVE fell short at!!
Thanks again for a GREAT article have a great day !
Hello Katrina,
I am so happy you are learning a lot from the blog. We all have to understand the path to love starts with having a healthy self-love and being able to channel that into attracting the same person. Often we allow emotions and selfish motives to rule the day, thus we move too fast and fail to truly learn people. We meet the one for us on the road to God not the road without God.
Thank u!
Mr McCall,
In reading this blog, I have learned that I have done alot of this. I have learned that I need to venture into a relationship rather then rushing into one. I rush for my own selfesh motives. So I don’t have to deal with the heart ache from the last relationship. Learning to love myself first will allow me to make wiser decisions when it comes to relationships. It also allows me to learn to comfortable not being in a relationship. It is ok to be single. Love yourself first.
Thank you for sharing.
Have a Blessed Rest of the week.
Joanne
I really enjoyed this blog, it really hit me about being so needy always wanting someone to love me and ending up numerous of wrong relationships. Today and everyday I’m learning to except God’s unconditional Love and loving myself as well and really learning to be by myself and it’s o.k.
Grace and peace,
Valerie
Hello Valerie,
So happy you were blessed. The first step in realizing where you need to change is to admit it. You are on your way my friend. God bless you
This was a very good blog.
Thank you Renee
I don’t think this is just a black issue. This happens in all relationships of all races, mixed as well. This is basically a PEOPLE issue. Thanks for the good reading!!
God bless you
@Keith this is true ..but I focused it on us Bro… thank you for your kind words
I’ve truly enjoyed reading your posts and thank you for sharing your knowledge with others. I would like to know if you have done or are doing a series on relationships outside of romantic ones (e.g. parents, siblings)? I see how some of this information may translate over to non-romantic relationships, but I’d like to see more info addressing these very sensitive relationships. God Bless!
Hello Elisha,
Yeah a lot of my writings bleed over into the root causes being from family. I discuss them in my blogs and I do plan to pull out and discuss separately. The root causes of a lot of our issues come from the family…….,thus we attempt to medicate them with people outside of the family which was my issue. Like I said I will always touch on the surrounding dynamics of whatever I am writing about. In my audio series I talked about 10 minutes just on family alone. I like for people to be empowered enough to realize where the root causes are and seek the help through counseling. If you have not signed up for my free 20 day audio series …please do.
This blog bless me because I once was that needy woman who rushed into relationships and ended in horror. Today, God is making better each and everyday. Doing it GOD’s way is the best way! Thank you so much for encouraging us with your blogs, I pray you find that perfect woman that would show you God’s unconditional love.
This is an awesome article. Something that everyone needs to read at least once, if not print it and read it daily as a reminder. So many rush in or have improper motives which aren’t conducive to conditional love in any relationship. So your points are 100% valid. 🙂
Thank you Januarie…make sure share with all of your friends.
Good read, it was very enlightning. God Bless
This blog is so surreal. We sometimes as females are so in love with the concept we hire the first candidate to fill the position when they were never qualified.
Well written! May I also suggest that individuals spend more time getting to know the “total” person (ie. family, friends, etc). While we all know that you can’t judge a book by its cover, getting to know those in close association can also tell you a lot.
@macysview
Great blog post. Boy did I experience No. 5 first hand. The first time I made a mistake in his eyes, he dumped me big time. No warning, no talking just stopped communicating with me. At first I thought something was wrong. I thought he had been hurt or something. After all, it was just a little mistake. But when he decided to announce to the world on Facebook that he had dumped me, I was flabergasted, embarassed and hurt. We got back together, but he broke up with me at least 4 or 5 more times. Always without warning or explanation. I was always walking on eggshells. After taking a closer look at this man and once all his lies came to surface, I knew it wasn’t me. It was him. I got out quickly and never looked back. But it took me 18 months of healing and dating me to realize that I am worth so much more than that.
Well that was a bit immature to post something like that. I am very sorry on his behalf that he handled something with such insensitive. The key that someone loves you or even cares for you is they will allow you to be human. We all have to give each other grace……and speak openly about your issues. Be thankful, because he was not the one who can handle your issue, but someone will assuming you willing to heal, grow and become better. ……I am happy you learned a lot from the situation. Thank you so much for your wonderful and intelligent comment
Great blog.
I share a similar testimony with “Attorney2b” except it took me 13 years to get out. I endure years of verbal and emotional abuse including several breakups and embarrassments BUT God has healed and restored me and I’m
Better and not bitter.
The part that blessed me about this blog is
You shed light on not being so quick to walk away from someone you love for being human. AND How to properly enter into and nourish a new relationship after being hurt.
My new found love is the very opposite of my Ex and my motives with him are definitely pure. I believe his are as well. However we’re both using decrement (as you mentioned) and treading lightly.
HELLO,NUMBER 7 REALLY STANDS OUT FOR ME.NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MOTIVES UNTILL AFTER THE FACT..I CAN ADMIT IF MINE WERE NOT IN THE RIGHT PLACE WHICH CAN BRING ON SELF INFLICTED PAIN..KNOWLEDGE IS KEY..
Thanks learnt a lot from hr post and this right here is really very informative and it’s so practical. Thank u so much.
Happy you were blessed my friend
I love this blog..Thank you so much..
Thank you for your kind words…
Interesting article, confusted by percentages because they lack data, but also it is fair to say that ALL people make these type of mistakes not just Black people.
*confused