Loving a woman can be a beautiful life experience for a man. A woman can be nurturing, loving, selfless, warm, friendly, uplifting, spiritual and virtuous. However, what happens when it is a woman along with her children?
The stigma of being a single mother is powerful in society, but it is based in stereotypes. Many people have various assumptions, but how often do they seek to understand or learn the story of the single mother? Rarely does it happen; which is why I feel men have to approach dating single mothers differently.
Some men already know they will not marry a woman with children, while some will accept a woman and her children. A man must avoid misleading the single mother. He should not enter into a relationship when he does not desire to marry a woman with children. It is the responsibility of the woman to approach a relationship properly, so she can avoid becoming involved with a man who does not desire anything long-term.
1. Be patient and understanding. Many single mothers are dealing with of a variety of financial, emotional, and spiritual battles. So he may have to love and help her through some challenges. However, this will not be the case with every single mother.
2. Communicate with open and honest dialogue. It is vital to learn about her past relationships. Learn how they have affected her life and the role she played in her own pain. Moreover, it is also beneficial to learn if she has healed or is on the road to healing.
3. Be honest and upfront. Men should honestly ask themselves “ Do I want to date a woman with kids?” Many men do not mind a woman having one child, but for some men that changes if there are more than one. This is a personal choice. However, being honest helps avoid hurt and wasting time.
4. Set realistic expectations upfront. He should not mislead her or sell her dreams. He should be upfront about his true expectations and intentions.
5. Have character and protect her. If she is emotional or vulnerable, he should step back. Refuse to be tempted to take advantage of her sexually, emotionally, etc…Always be a gentleman and protect her from herself by having character and integrity.
6. Have several conversations about her children. If the man and woman mutually decide to pursue something deeper, at that point, the kids should be involved. He should ask, and be concerned, about the children and help with any concerns they may have.
7. He should make life easier. He should do what he can in order to make life easier for the single mother. Love is simply making the life of the one we love a little bit easier.
8. Don’t play games. They should prove their love, devotion and commitment because, when children are involved, it is not a time to play games. The children need to see a healthy situation and life by their mother and the man she is dating.
9. Understand there is a time and place to talk. Avoid having serious discussions about the relationship in front of the children.
10. Be a role model. He may be the only positive male role model her and her children see on a regular basis. He should never lose sight of this.
If you have any tips to help all of us, please share below in the comments.
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I believe this is the first time I have read an article about how to date a single mom. Thank you for blazing the trail. Nobody really broaches the subject in a positive light. I get tired of hearing about “baby mamas”, which is a disrespectful term to begin with. This article will empower men and women alike to be more discerning about choosing to enter a romantic relationship. Kudos, Quentin!
THank you Chele…..there is a lot of negative things out there, but we have to always see the reality of situations and find the positive in everything we do. My mom had me at 16,so I have first hand knowledge of how difficult the road can be for everyone involved.
I wholeheartedly agree Quentin. It’s not that nothing negative will ever happen but you have to have a positive attitude when dealing with it. Your article and comments are on point.
Thanks for posting this. This information is valuable. As a single parent of two, I can relate. Thanks again
You are welcome Kimberly…..I thank you for reading.
Great tips! I think that number 11 should be “Understand that periodically, date night will include her child/ren. This also helps to build the child’s trust in the man and can make the transition from male figure-to-father figure-to-father successful.” being a single mother, this is very important and necessary, because there will be times (in some cases) that babysitters and grandparents are not available.
THank you and I agree with your tip. That is certainly apart of dating a single mother for sure
Thank you so much Quentin for these great tips. May God reward you efforts at building lives and relationships.
Thank you so much James for your kind words…I am here to serve and always working to do better. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement
This article is right on! I’ve been a single mom for several years. We as dating women also have to be looking out for what’s best for our kids. God told me that, “you are chasing squirrels and I want to bring you superman!” I am learning how to be content in my singleness. I’ve grown closer to God. And I’m waiting for Gods man.
Gloria,
Thank you for comments. It’s also what is best for you, kids, and the man involved together as one. Keep growing and becoming the woman God has called you to be….
SO, TRUE I FOUND THIS OUT THE HARD WAY.SOME MEN DON’T LIKE STRONG WOMEN DUE TO THE MAN IS THE HEAD{AS THE WORD OF GOD STATE}.AND I MUST SAY IT’S HARD TO MOVE THAT WALL FROM BEING BOTH MOM AND DAD. I FIND THIS HARD FOR ME TO DATE A MAN DUE TO{ THEY} SOME MEN JUST DON’T LIKE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A VOICE AS WELL. THE FACT THAT I HAVE THREE GROWN MEN{GOD FEARING MEN } WHO I HAD TO BE STRONG WITH,DID I SAY MY SON’S ARE BIG GUY’S. SO QUENTIN HOW DO I LET GO AND LET MEN KNOW I HAD TO BE THIS WAY TO RAISE MY 3 SON’S INTO THE MEN THEY ARE TODAY WITHOUT PUSHING THAT MAN AWAY?
Well I understand what you are saying, but you have to change how you approach things. Being strong don’t mean rude, argumentative, harsh, controlling etc…those are anger issues and things rooted in insecurities and fear. It would be good for you to examine your self and make healthy changes that are healthy for healthy relationships. You can be strong, respected, and have a voice without coming off stubborn. Look deep inside of yourself and place the responsibility of your change and not on people accepting things that may not be healthy for them.
Learn to let somone else drive and then find comfort to REST while they are in control. You are use to having to make all the calls, but once you enter a relationship you have to slowly release the helms and turn them over. Prayer and PRACTICE will help. Start practicing now (while single) to consult before you decide. (I’m sorry Quentin, didn’t mean to hop on that, but I had to say something ;))
Also begin with developing a strong Love walk in God and your entire spirit and how you approach things will change….thus you will attract different men…
I love how you address topics and subjects that most mainstream “relationship experts” never touch. This is just another example however I think the one subject that I think you overlooked; for me personally, if I know I am interested in this woman with a child (probably would not be open to someone with more than one) and want to pursue a deeper relationship, I would need to know if she is willing (mutual desire, not just because I want) to have at least one child with me. Of course, I would love her child equally with no label of “step” but as a man, I still desire to have my own “seed”. I believe that is a vital part of how far I would go in a relationship with a woman with a child. If we are on the same page with that concern, the biggest hurdle would be eliminated for me.
@Marcus ..excellent point and I often hear women say who are single and have multiple children are done having kids and of course that would cause a problem if her future husband wanted children with her. I will work on a blog about this asap…
Quentin would you please follow up this blog with one entitled, “How to Date a Single Father”? It only seems appropriate! I love what Chele said about how disrespectful it is for single mom’s to be referred to as “baby mama’s”. Baby mama or Baby Daddy both carry negative connotations of promiscuity or irresponsibility with them and I can see how it’d be painful to be labeled that. Her thought led me to ask for you to also write a blog about NOT “Baby Daddy’s” but maybe how to date “young fathers” or “single dads” or “single fathers”! lol..however you want to word it, but it’s a good topic to address for the men in those situations and the women that deal with them! Thanks for all you do! I enjoy your blogs! Keep them coming!
@Namie, everything here can be applied even if it’s a man…I would not change the advice at all…
As a single mother it was comforting to see this topic addressed. I liked that you pointed out the importance of her being healed or on the road to healing. I see many single mothers who think that since they are “over” their former relationship it means they are ready to date. Often times, we (everyone) neglect to heal the wounds inflicted upon us and those we inflict on others. Not to mention actually identify & repair the faults of ourselves. If I ever marry again I want to go into the relationship healed, whole and ready to serve him.
I also liked that you pointed out the man needs to protect her. We need our warriors to protect us, defend us & the right one to pursue us in a holy fashion.
Love your blog!
@alisha u are very welcome..I thank you for your intellectual comment and expression. Keep being an awesome mother
Wowza’s I’m in awe of this blog. I just wanted to send my gratitude to you Quentin, because most than often, single mothers are misinterpreted. As a single mother of 2, I firmly agree with the 10 steps in the article. Great Wisdom 🙂
@Jewell….thank you so much…and you are greatly appreciated. I have a view more angles I will address this subject based on responses from our K4LC Members…
Awesome!!!
Excellent blog minister Mccall!
@Chris…thank u so much
As a single male with a child, who stays with his mother it does concern me greatly who she chooses as a mate, especially since I am very involved in my sons life. I really feel like he doesn’t need another father he has one, but I would like whomever she decides to be with to be a positive role model as well.
Quis… As a single mother, I can say that when making a life alternating decision such as this, replacing ‘you’ as ‘my’ child’s father is not the purpose. I can see how worrying that type of situation can be put you have to trust that the mother of your child has your son’s best interest & ultimately the guy she does decide to settle down with with appreciate her for that. It shouldn’t be a competition between the two of you. Of course he will play the role of ‘stepfather’ & have close involvement in your child’s life because he is in the same household but in no means does that take away from you remaining to be a great father! -Just my opinion though
I guess this was for the single mother that’s looking to get married?? I mean I would think that single mothers are still people too and would like to just date and have fun…..like most people. I’m a happily single mother , I don’t bring men that I date to my house or have them around my children….they know about them but I feel like because I don’t plan to be serious with the person I’m dating they have no need to meet my children…..I guess that sounds pretty ugly…..After being married I like the single life and my kids have their grandpa and my brothers as positive role models….I just don’t think realistically that every man I date will end up or has the potential to end up in marriage….though one day when I get to the “I need a companion for the rest of my good days” age I would like to maybe consider remarrying……and by then the kids will be out of the house////
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I liked this article. It doesn’t pertain to my situation but it does with a good friend of mine, well he used to be since he starting dating a single mom. How do you feel if its the same situation but in a work environment? I was raised not to mix those relationships when it comes to your job, does everything in the article still apply?
Yes it still applies, because they are not always in the work environment. However, they should be careful and private about the relationship, because they can be touchy. Especially when they don’t work out….
If the father is still alive and is active in the kid’s life, why not only date when the children are with the father? Then when the (youngest) child turns 18 and/or finishes high school, THEN marry or move in together or take the relationship to the next level.
True stepparents can only exist if the predecessor is dead.
It can work that way or can not depends on the situation. Dating is a getting to know stage and not a ” I want to marry this woman” stage…Once it progresses into a courtship..THen more of what you have written can come into play.
There are quite a number of guys who deliebrately go after a single mother, “thinking” that these ladies are easy prey for casual intimacies…its quite insulting. They do not even bother to initiate proper courtship, just assume that there is mutual understanding and so there is already a “relationship” and that they can do whatever they please.
I understand your premise, but to generalize some men as going specifically after single women is not accurate for most men. The reasons being is 80 % of (black) women are single mothers, thus most of the dating population of black women will have a child and a woman doesn’t have to be single mother to meet a womanizer or player. Being a mother has nothing at all to do with it at all. We all attract what we are, so when women attract these types of men over and over again it’s time to look in the mirror to discover so deep rooted personal issues.
Thank you…while I agree, may I also add that I think the plurality in tendencies among the types of men I a mentioned is also more of a cultural issue also and not just a “reflection” of the (personal) issues of women who encounter these men type more than once. There are cultures or societies that are common to have men who are afraid of equate children especially not their own as extra responsibility and they don’t want that…but they DO want a relationship.
Thanks for posting this but you should also advice single mothers on how to go about this dating thing
This is a really good and informative post. The comments are helpful as well. I am a single mother of a beautiful little girl and I have been undergoing many battles with dating. One being what Treva B. mentioned which is including date night with the child. Many guys do not understand the importance of this. Overall good post and I will definitely retweet.
Thank you so much for writing this! Wow! I have been a single mother of 3 for close to 3.5 years. My ex husband has so many problems the court said he can never have custody of the children, so they are with me 24/7. I had a lot of healing to work through with my ex and even healing childhood things which shaped me to be able to put up with a man like my ex. I have learned to trust God #1 in my life in all things. He has provided in abundant ways and I have been amazed at His love. He has enabled me to do this 100% alone, my family lives 2500 miles away and God has just been so so sweet and plentiful! I feel for all of you single mothers out there and while it is hard sometimes to be alone, I try to remember that eternity is SO much longer than our short hours on this Earth. Above all, honor God in your relationships and in the way you are raising your sweet babies. In that there is never regret.