To gain the “true love” you must desire to heal.
Isaiah 43:18
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past
True love requires holding hands and walking as one are you willing to give of yourself to walk the journey?
Many times in life we seek or desire love in our life. We all hunger to love and be loved. Some of us seek aspects in others we can’t give. Many people desire love, but can’t love. Many desire companionship when they really are just afraid to be alone. Many desire sex when they really want love. Many seek love and give their bodies in hopes they will be loved in return. Sadly, many people who desire true love don’t know what love is and what it is not. Even though love is a choice and a responsibility, we all possess the language of love……
Not being able to give in return for what you desire is selfish and says you have an incorrect motive for wanting or desiring love. How many people do you think ever ask the question how can I better love this man or woman? How can I add or make his/her life happier? How can I help him/her reach a true/real purpose in God? Well, some of you if you are honest never have asked these questions or sought their answers. Likely your thoughts have only ranged from “can I trust him/her?”
You have had a lot of fear, doubt, and disbelief…you thought only about what another person can do for you..”Hey can he/she make me happy? Hmmm he/she looks good……ooooooooo “so fine” …hmmmmm “I wonder what he/she is like in bed?”…..hmmmmmm “How big is it?” “How can he/she work it?” Can he/she work it like (insert name)?” Hmmmm…….of course you also have the casual positive thoughts of “awwwww you are so sweet…come here baby” “give me kiss”, “give me a hug”…….
Do those thoughts read like someone interested in a true love relationship or do these thoughts sound like someone only interested “in love” relationship based on pleasure/lust and probably just their own pleasure? (I’ll talk about “in love” versus “love” in a future blog)
If we don’t know what is truly important in a loving relationship, we will always have unfruitful relationships. Relationships are not something you enter into to gain something for yourself. It means, bringing something amazing/vital/important into the life of another person. Incorrect motivation creates broken hearts, homes, marriages, and only deepens unresolved issues. Many still hurt today from relationships that happened five years ago or more!!!! These same people then wrongly decide to enter another relationship knowing they still long for someone else…. You have to close one door before you can open another… Anytime you allow pain from someone or something to affect you today…you are still giving that person or thing power over your life. And that prevents new life and new relationships.
Last night some men and women performed what I term “vaginal masturbation” These are people who are married or unmarried and engage in sex, but mentally are fantasizing about a past lover. Yeah that’s heavy, but it’s true How painful is it to know that you were maybe that man or woman on the either end of the spectrum? Please be prayerful about who you give your heart to and make sure you’re not still carrying the spirit of another, before trying another relationship.
People have to stop ruining other people’s desire to truly love because they have not yet closed the door on their own past. You can’t expect to build a fruitful relationship when your heart is still with someone else. It’s not fair to yourself or the person whom you are with. Jumping from bed to bed….dating man after man or woman after woman will not heal your wounds. The temporary comfort you feel can only be plagued with more unhappiness. A person being “fine” or “sexy” in your eyes will not produce love……seek to let go of your past if you truly desire “true love and understand that “sex is not love” ……..
Don’t go shopping, traveling, clubbing (the devil’s church), drinking, or anything similar just to make yourself feel better. Your actions, will only lead to deeper problems. In the past I have done all the above …….so I got all the t-shirts!
So for those who say they’re still hurting because of an ex hubby okay what did you do? So for those who say they’re still hurting from an old relationship okay what did you do? Before you play the victim “play the judge and look in the mirror.” See all your pain …and say guess what? I am the common denominator here…..
Learn how to be alone with God and seek to heal….know that no man or woman can do for you like Jesus can……you can’t have a good relationship with anyone until you let go, learn how to hold hands with God and walk the journey together as ONE.
Be encouraged, and if you need healing don’t suffer in silence get the help you need. Always seek to focus on the root cause of your actions and that will tell you why you do something. God loves you and he wants you to be everything he birthed you to become. I pray you all have been blessed.
If this blog has been a blessing to you please share with your friends and comment below. Have you joined my exclusive group of thousands who have signed up for my FREE audio series? Sign up today HERE!
In his love, Quentin…..
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Quentin M. McCall, Quentin M. McCall and Quentin M. McCall, Quentin M. McCall. Quentin M. McCall said: New Blog! Relationships: Healing before love http://t.co/1yRyxlU […]
This blog definitely blessed me and once again reassured me that I am not ready for a relationship just yet! I’m still working on this walk
With God! I have always been so used to going from relationship to relationship that I never really took time to focus on myself and though these past few months of my life have been lonely I have truly gotten to know myself! So I call this my journey and at the end of this journey I will be reintroduced to a more fulfilled and stronger me.
Always remember it’s best to heal your core, before entering a relationship. What is wonderful is that you have taken the first step in understanding this about yourself. Never run from relationship to relationship seeking only what God can give you. Seek your healing my friend and the root cause. I thank you so much for commenting.
I am learning right now to lean on God first. I am dealing with a broken heart and wanted to know WHY he acted that way. It doesn’t matter because I won’t lean unto my own understanding. God knows and I am going to heal with th Lord and not seek the comfort of anyone but him right now. Thank you! Be blessed!
Hello Tennille,
Yes, leaning on God is very important and key to healing over pain. What is also key is that you take the action steps required for your healing which starts with forgiveness and mercy on your part. Without forgiveness we don’t begin to heal. Forgiveness brings closure and cleansing which speeds the healing of your broken heart
I don’t even know what to say right now…I asked God to speak to me this morning and this happens to be the issue at hand. But now that I have this word I honestly feel a little sick. I can’t tell you why. Yesterday I determined that certain answers and blessings only come by way of fasting and prayer and I ask the Lord to help me over the next 2 months to be the wife my husband needs me to be and this screaming out “Your Husband Needs a Healed/Free Wife”. I just said to someone that in order for healing to take place there must be cutting/breaking. Who would have thought I needed that same word??? Well said a lot, but a light just came on. My marriage and relationships with others can’t be healed until I’m healed. Okay…so I humble myself Lord. Thanks for letting God use you Quentin.
Glory to God my friend! Most times what we say to others is also for us. Even in my writings or helping other people I often write about what I struggle with because it’s more self teaching learning, transparency, sharing and expression to help those who share in our struggles together. NO problem is common to one man. I am so happy for you the next step is having application of what you have learned so you can heal and have a new testimony to go bless someone else. Glory to God! happy for you my friend.
Love it — thanks for sharing 🙂
You are very welcome..please share with your friends and family. Thank you so much!
You touched on some very critical points. I am a firm believer that people need to close one door of a negative relationship, experience or childhood memory before they can thrive in the positive opportunities that wait for them in the future.
Don’t let your negative past experiences stunt the positive growth of your future. But use them as clay to mold a better a life!
Hello Diva Dee,
Thank you for the kind words. Yes, you are correct we must close one door before we open up another
[…] Every other day I read my Twitter friend’s blog and I this blessed my eyes so I thought it would bless you too! To gain the “true love” you must desire to heal. Isaiah 43:18 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past True love requires holding hands and walking as one are you willing to give of yourself to walk the journey? Many times in life we seek or desire love in our life. We all hunger to love and be loved. Some of us seek aspects in others we can’t give. Many people desire love, but can’t love. Many desire companionship when they really are just afraid to be alone. Many desire sex when they really want love. Many seek love and give their bodies in hopes they will be loved in return. Sadly, many people who desire true love don’t know what love is and what it is not. Even though love is a choice and a responsibility, we all possess the language of love…… Not being able to give in return for what you desire is selfish and says you have an incorrect motive for wanting or desiring love. How many people do you think ever ask the question how can I better love this man or woman? How can I add or make his/her life happier? How can I help him/her reach a true/real purpose in God? Well, some of you if you are honest never have asked these questions or sought their answers. Likely your thoughts have only ranged from “can I trust him/her?” You have had a lot of fear, doubt, and disbelief…you thought only about what another person can do for you..”Hey can he/she make me happy? Hmmm he/she looks good……ooooooooo “so fine” …hmmmmm “I wonder what he/she is like in bed?”…..hmmmmmm “How big is it?” “How can he/she work it?” Can he/she work it like (insert name)?” Hmmmm…….of course you also have the casual positive thoughts of “awwwww you are so sweet…come here baby” “give me kiss”, “give me a hug”……. Do those thoughts read like someone interested in a true love relationship or do these thoughts sound like someone only interested “in love” relationship based on pleasure/lust and probably just their own pleasure? (I’ll talk about “in love” versus “love” in a future blog) If we don’t know what is truly important in a loving relationship, we will always have unfruitful relationships. Relationships are not something you enter into to gain something for yourself. It means, bringing something amazing/vital/important into the life of another person. Incorrect motivation creates broken hearts, homes, marriages, and only deepens unresolved issues. Many still hurt today from relationships that happened five years ago or more!!!! These same people then wrongly decide to enter another relationship knowing they still long for someone else…. You have to close one door before you can open another… Anytime you allow pain from someone or something to affect you today…you are still giving that person or thing power over your life. And that prevents new life and new relationships. Last night some men and women performed what I term “vaginal masturbation” These are people who are married or unmarried and engage in sex, but mentally are fantasizing about a past lover. Yeah that’s heavy, but it’s true How painful is it to know that you were maybe that man or woman on the either end of the spectrum? Please be prayerful about who you give your heart to and make sure you’re not still carrying the spirit of another, before trying another relationship. People have to stop ruining other people’s desire to truly love because they have not yet closed the door on their own past. You can’t expect to build a fruitful relationship when your heart is still with someone else. It’s not fair to yourself or the person whom you are with. Jumping from bed to bed….dating man after man or woman after woman will not heal your wounds. The temporary comfort you feel can only be plagued with more unhappiness. A person being “fine” or “sexy” in your eyes will not produce love……seek to let go of your past if you truly desire “true love and understand that “sex is not love” …….. Don’t go shopping, traveling, clubbing (the devil’s church), drinking, or anything similar just to make yourself feel better. Your actions, will only lead to deeper problems. In the past I have done all the above …….so I got all the t-shirts! So for those who say they’re still hurting because of an ex hubby okay what did you do? So for those who say they’re still hurting from an old relationship okay what did you do? Before you play the victim “play the judge and look in the mirror.” See all your pain …and say guess what? I am the common denominator here….. Learn how to be alone with God and seek to heal….know that no man or woman can do for you like Jesus can……you can’t have a good relationship with anyone until you let go, learn how to hold hands with God and walk the journey together as ONE. Be encouraged, and if you need healing don’t suffer in silence get the help you need. Always seek to focus on the root cause of your actions and that will tell you why you do something. God loves you and he wants you to be everything he birthed you to become. I pray you all have been blessed. Visit his blog here […]
Quentin, Man all I can say is WOW! Reading this has opened my eyes to alot of things, and some of the replies from people I can relate to like 1) Katrina This blog definitely blessed me and once again reassured me that I am not ready for a relationship just yet! I’m still working on this walk~> I know and can agree that I am still not ready for a relationship there is still alot of work to be done on my walk, 2) Mz Diva Lady i can relate all to well your statements, but in my case the last relationship I got out of, I wasnt looking for a relationship instead a friendship called myself building everything on what not to do or allow and he himself had just got out of a relationship where he was hurt and blaming me for alot of what he had went thru, i couldnt understand and wanted to do whatever it took to make him believe that I was different, but I knew that he wasnt over her, even tried to allow him the time to get himself together, See our relationship/friendship was (is) truly one of a kind. I thought I was healing my wounds and helping him all at the same time, but all the unexpected arguements etc just drove me to questioned what I was doing. WEll He even went back to the EX he compared me to thinking that he know knew what he did wrong and wanted to fix things, it was HARD seeing and going thru this. The bombshell is we are still friends and have a (SOUL TIE) that is I cant find the word for it, but I am trying to heal not only still from my previous relationship but also this most recent one! Thanks again for speaking on such a REAL TOPIC, looking for more to come! But my question for you Quentin is, how do I let go of a person that I have grown to really have a good friendship with, we got caught up in our emotions and feelings, but I kind of feel like he might be the one! I know this all sounds crazy, but I truly love this man, unconditionally, forgave him for the hurt he put me thru, trust him & communication is great?!?!? Am i cheating myself out on REAL LOVE by still being in contact with him? watching him go back to the place where he said he hurt so much at but we have never really stopped talking the whole time, hmmm confused
[…] “Relationships: Healing before love” To gain the “true love” you must desire to heal. Isaiah 43:18 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past True love requires holding hands and walking as one are you willing to give of yourself to walk the journey? Many times in life we seek or desire love in our life. We all hunger to love and be loved. Some of us seek aspects in others we can’t give. Many people desire love, but can’t love. Many desire companionship when they really are just afraid to be alone. Many desire sex when they really want love. Many seek love and give their bodies in hopes they will be loved in return. Sadly, many people who desire true love don’t know what love is and what it is not. Even though love is a choice and a responsibility, we all possess the language of love…… Not being able to give in return for what you desire is selfish and says you have an incorrect motive for wanting or desiring love. How many people do you think ever ask the question how can I better love this man or woman? How can I add or make his/her life happier? How can I help him/her reach a true/real purpose in God? Well, some of you if you are honest never have asked these questions or sought their answers. Likely your thoughts have only ranged from “can I trust him/her?” You have had a lot of fear, doubt, and disbelief…you thought only about what another person can do for you..”Hey can he/she make me happy? Hmmm he/she looks good……ooooooooo “so fine” …hmmmmm “I wonder what he/she is like in bed?”…..hmmmmmm “How big is it?” “How can he/she work it?” Can he/she work it like (insert name)?” Hmmmm…….of course you also have the casual positive thoughts of “awwwww you are so sweet…come here baby” “give me kiss”, “give me a hug”……. Read more […]
This is so true, and I needed to read this because I’m through right now. I was in a abusive relationship for two and half years. I finally got out of the relationship with the help of the good Lord. After that relationship I didn’t give myself time to heal. I start sleeping around and partying and clubbing every weekend trying to move on, and forget about what happend to me, but that didn’t help me or heal me. I stop sleeping around, and I prayed to God to send me a good man, and he did. The man he sent was amazing, but our relationship wasn’t good at all. I will take responsiblity for 95% of our problems in our relationship. I would start arguements, and disagreements with him for no reason. I was always angry, bitter, and mean towards him. I was taken out what happened to me out on him. So things got so bad until he cheated on me. He cheated, and got the other woman pregnant. He apologize to me, and he said he never meant to hurt me. But I really couldn’t get mad at him for cheating, because I was doing it too. But I did stop cheating. He has never gave me a reason to act how I acted towards him. He was always ben there for me, and give me support where it was spirtually, emotionally, or finacinally. I love this man, and I want to be with him forever, but we have broken up now, and I’m hurting so bad. He told over and over that we will get married one day if I just change my attitude. I hate for myself for doing that the things I did. I’m hurting, and I don’t know what to do. I’m truly reaping what I sowed. I have prayed to God to change me inside and out. I have to pray to God to heal me mentally, and emotionally. I have prayed to God for restoration in our relationship if its his will. But I just need some advice, and feedback from you on what to do. Thanks
Dear Mz. Diva
Just contact me using the contact page my friend.
Your words are very inspiring. They are helping me heal from a break up. There is someone who could possibly be the person for me but I know I got to heal B4 getting involved I don’t want to mess up but I wonder how long he will hang in there. I don’t want him to wait on me and he knows I’m my healing process but I thnk sometime he wants more than I can give.I don’t want to feel pressure or him have any expectations. Thoughts? Why shouldn’t you travel and take a mental break of everything to come back refreshed and ready ? Especially if u have kids
Hello Keisha,
What I mean is one should not try to run or numb pain by trying to travel. Any type of leisure done to substitute in an attempt to feel better instead of dealing with the problem. So important for us to focus on the healing, but nothing is wrong with traveling. Just make sure it is not being used as a masking agent. Thank you so much for the kind words.
Very good…very helpful
Hello Tanya…
Thank you
Excellent article!!! I admit that I am not ready to be involved with anyone just yet. I have too many emotional baggage so I wont enter in a relationship knowing that as being a fact.
[…] anger from a past relationship will only make you bitter. I discuss this topic deeper in my blog “Healing before Love” click here. If bitterness is your issue read the blog “10 steps for overcoming bitterness and resentment.” […]
I needed to read this article and let me just say that you are 100% right when u said that we all need to take a look in the mirror and see what part we played in the relationship, because we all play a part. I was involved in a very long abusive relationship but I still see the part I played. I believe and even teach my children that it always takes two…it takes two to make something work or fall apart, it takes two to have an argument even. I know the role I played eventhough I was not the abuser, but I was the one who allowed it to go on and to continue for as long as it did. I eventually stopped praying and fasting for healing and changed my prayer life completely. I know that I have a lot of hurt and emotional healing to go through before being ready for my “forever husband” lol…but I am beginning to n’joy my one on one time with Him and re-learning to allow His Holy Spirit to be my comforter. It has been a lonely experience, but I would rather be lonely for a season knowing God is re-making and molding me than searching for something empty and unfulfilling. Thank you Man of God for this encouragement!
very informative and helpful! i totally agree! ive learned alot in the past few years! most unfortunately through experience, but fortunately i learned and already start applying Godly wisdom to my life and I am showing others the way. I am still healing but its not a bitter journey, but desire to love more the right and only way. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Be Blessed and stay encouraged!
[…] 5. Don’t trade one pain for another. Meaning don’t mask your pain in food, drugs, clothes, cars, sex, clubbing, etc. Allowing yourself to go in certain environments will only cause you to run to the arms of another. Instead, attend church and take a nice get-away alone to reflect and clear your mind. Read my blog “Healing before love.” Click here. […]
[…] 5. Don’t trade one pain for another. Meaning don’t mask your pain in food, drugs, clothes, cars, sex, clubbing, etc. Allowing yourself to go in certain environments will only cause you to run to the arms of another. Instead, attend church and take a nice get-away alone to reflect and clear your mind. Read the blog “Healing before love.” Click here. […]
This blog speaks the truth, I feel empowered .
Thanks
you are very welcome Melanie. Thank u
i am 20 year old virgin and i know that all of this is true, i used to be in a homosexual relationship but God fully delivered me from that and, after asking God he allowed me to fall in love with him and show me that i will find my husband in him, and not by looking for my husband but by seeking his face just as my husband will be seeking as well…
Hi Quentin,
What steps does a person take to close the door on a past relationship lover….especially if the still yearn or fantasize anout that person?
[…] Relationship Coaching: Healing before love […]
Hi Quentin,
As I read your post ‘Relationship Coaching: Healing before love’, I let out some good laughter and Amens!
I truly appreciate your blunt honesty. It’s necessary in the Christian community, as the ‘Holier than thou…I’ve never done this/that’ must come to a crashing end.
I read your testimony as well and it is such a common walk for many (saved and unsaved), but again most Christians would not be so courageous to share. Thank you. Unless we’re able to ‘get real, for real’ we’re simply quoting scriptures and turning up our noses while the skeleton of our pasts (hopefully) kicks up a funk jam in the closet.
That being said…this post carries so much truth! I was happy to read it and say ‘yes I’ve graduated from there/that, THANK YOU JESUS!’ It’s been a rocky road all things considered, and just when the adversary thought he had me…God blocked him!
It’s a process, but if we truly want to walk out our God ordained destiny then we MUST be courageous and honest enough to face the music of who we’ve been/being and productively progressively grow out and under the direction of the Lord.
May the Lord continue to use you for His glory!
Your sister in Jesus Christ,
Amina Alfred
Thank you Amina….wonderful wisdom and comment
Awesome Article! God wants so much for us, including a loving caring marriage. And He knows that we are totally incapable of finding that for ourselves! LOL So He directs us. Right now I am trying to get to know GOD. Then I’ll be able to HEAR His voice, telling me when I am ready for marriage and “who” that specific person is, not “ME” telling “ME” when I’m ready for marriage and WHO that person will be. I guess, this is the fail-proof way. LOL!
I have been blessed. God bless you
You have said what Ive been needing to hear. I am still in love with my kids father, he broke up with me for someone else and it still hurts. I want to let go and move on but I never realized how hard it truly is. He was the first man I fell in love with. Ive been searching for advice to help me, and this is what I needed…Thank you. God Bless.
Hi Quentin,
Thank you for the interesting article. I’m in a break up situation right now. I was in a very long relationship (13 years), but decided I wasn’t happy anymore and always took care of him, but not for myself. This information is really helpful. I’ve decided to work on myself this year before entering in another relationship. Thank you again.
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I think I have learned a lot,my heart is so broken from my past relationship,what I have to do is to allow God to heal me before I move on even though is not easy
I came across this blog post just yesterday and I keep reading it over and over. I began searching for information after having a discussion with a close friend of mine about relationships. We are both ending long term relationships, myself divorce, her a breakup after several years. I told her that I’ve decided to not date, focus on God and becoming a whole person and healing from my previous relationship before trying to enter another relationship. When the time is right, God will send the person who I’m meant to be with. Plus, we (as in newly single people, not just women or men) will latch onto the first person that comes along because we’re sad, lonely, and want comfort. However, I don’t want to place my own happiness in the hands of another. Just some of my own personal thoughts.