I often get questions from women who are deeply hurt or upset from the pain caused by a man. Now, I am of the belief that 90% of pain is self-inflicted from our own selfish choices, desires, and human weaknesses. However, more often than not, our selfish desires or an empty place causes us to be in the arms of people we shouldn’t be with. We have the story of wanting someone to be everything *we* wanted them to be… Instead of just allowing them to be who they are and making a choice to love them unconditionally or step aside so someone else can.
When women reach out to me about falling for the wrong man over and over again I also ask, “Have you been honest with yourself about the condition of your life and heart?” Often men and women seek the opposite sex to do what only God can do. I’ve been guilty of this myself in my life on more than one occasion. We all have the tendency to do this if we are not careful about our motives and the condition of our heart. When we are hurting or healing from another relationship, we should never attempt to be in a relationship or allow our emotions to get involved with anyone. We have to understand choosing the wrong person is on us and not on the other person. Refrain from playing victim or pointing blame, but you should always judge yourself and make the corrections to usher in a healthy and happy ending for your love. We all deserve love and those who need it the most often deserve it the least. Love like you have never been hurt and love with everything God has placed on the inside of you.
Here are a few reasons why women fall for the wrong man:
1. Ladies, you know how people always say, “Actions speak louder than words?” Well, this very saying is getting a lot of you in big trouble. Yes, actions do speak, but please understand actions also lie and in some cases lie more than words. Actions only speak louder when the heart and motives of the person pursing you is pure. If that is not the case, then what you have is manipulation and womanizing. Many men already know they can fool you with actions and words, so stop believing actions mean anything unless it’s done consistently over a long period of time. Don’t forget this consistency also includes you. Your job is not to sit around and watch what he does while you do nothing. That is selfish and speaks of fear, etc.
2. You have sex with a man and become closer to him than you really think you are. Sex causes soul ties and makes you emotional, thus you feel closer to a man than you really are. I don’t have to tell you how to avoid this mistake you, because you already know. Good or great sex will always cause a woman to be with a man longer than she should and be with the wrong man.
3. Like Eve, women are moved by beautiful things like shoes, curtains, homes, candles and a handsome man. There is more to a man than his looks. If you fall easy for nice looking men, find out why and make the correction. Shallowness will lead you to shallow men.
4. You are a 30+ year old woman who is worried about being married, having kids before a certain age, or believing the lie there is something wrong with you being single. Of course there is nothing wrong with you being single and, if you’re truly walking in faith, you shouldn’t be worried about those things. When you do worry, you will settle for the wrong man or make the wrong choice in a man because your goal is marriage and kids versus hearing from God about who is for you. This can be so psychologically and emotionally draining. So, please don’t allow this to happen.
5. You allow your self-esteem or insecurities to allow you to settle for anyone who gives you a lot of attention. A man shouldn’t have to make you feel secure in yourself or about yourself. You should feel this way because you are a child of God. I know we all have insecurities we need to grow and work on, but don’t allow them to cause you to have bad relationships, push good people away, or cause you to fall for the wrong man.
6. Thinking you can change a man is a very common mistake and it will always cause women to stay with men who have no desire to change. Keep in mind there are men who do want to change and become better men, so I am not talking about those guys. I am talking about those who have no desire for anything more than they are already doing. Nothing.
7. You are afraid of being alone so you are with men for companionship, sex, a warm body, dates, etc… Of course, when you do this, you can’t expect anything good to come from it. Thus, when something bad is the outcome, you will result to playing victim and adding to the hurt or bitterness you already carry in your heart.
Of course this is not a comprehensive list, but I pray one or two things have caused you to judge yourself and start today with attempting to become a better human being. People need your best and not your worst. In his love, Quentin
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Awesome!!!
Thank you Sophia
This is a fantastic article. I can identify with a lot of what was said. I used to be one of those women. But thank God for opening my eyes and healing me. I learnt my lesson and as a result, painful experiences in relationships have made me a stronger woman. I’m now happily single. I no longer need a man to make me feel whole. God has filled that void in my life.
Thank you June
Thank you Sophia https://quentinmccall.com/?p=1667#comment-4962
thank you for this article! i have been thinking long and hard about my current relationship because i have been having doubts about us. i think my motivation was all wrong from the beginning and now i will need to have that uncomfortable conversation with him
Dear Quentin, what about guys? Why do you address so many speeches to women? Guys are ok??? Or what?
Also again I have an impression it is a very convenient New Age psychology fit for very uncertain times. I agree with part of your observations, advice etc. but I disagre that “happiness lies in ourselves”. As a single person I can be: optimistic, energetic, smiling, joyful. But only WITH another person I can be truly happy. This is the whole idea of nature of people: we are social beings.
I agree that times have changed. we live in an era of frequent travels chasing job, frequent divorces, frequent change of homes. So indeed it is easier to live if someone follows your rules, we are so often hurt these days that once one tells oneself that happiness lies within and forces oneself to be indifferent regaldless of any changes in his life, it is a solution. It is almost buddist even.
I was seriously hurt by someone 3 years ago. And I did not fulfill any of the above mentioned statements. I am aware where were my mistakes, but few compared to another person’s fault. And yes he is guilty of certain things and oinly God can forgive him. I had simply cut ties cause if recalled it all hurts.
People do sometimes deliberate evil things to others. And it is fully justified to feel used, angry, hurt, to put blame on that person.
Therapy is needed still in such a case, but if anybody told me that I am the only one gulty cause I got myself in this situation, damned…not fair.
And I promise I will write that long letter.
@Aga First, it doesn’t seem as if you read the article. Secondly, I write to men and women. I have over a 100 articles on my site addressing issues relevant to men and women. Thirdly, you are allowing your pain, lack of forgiveness and unresolved issues to blind you to the the real issue. That issue is learning to take responsibility for whatever role you played in being in the relationship, the failure of it and the areas you need to grow. Your healing starts with forgiveness. It bothers me when someone writes me asserting things about what I do to help people when it’s obvious you haven’t spent anytime reading my work, watching videos or any other training I offer. Men and women both have issues no gender is blameless in a relationship failures. You have to work daily by seeking God to find your healing. OK he hurt you, but what did you do? You have to learn from it and become a better woman and not a bitter woman. We all have been hurt and hurt someone else in some way. The truly mature and selfless understand this and work to become better. Having a victim mentality only means you won’t heal and ruin the chance when the right man comes along. Focus on yourself.. Look yourself in the mirror and change you. You are the only person you can control… Work daily to be the best woman you can be and move fwd from the pain into something better.
Also happiness is a choice and no one is responsible for your happiness but you. Can someone contribute to your happiness? Yes, but they are not responsible for it, nor should they be your sole source of happiness. Until you understand that my friend I am afraid things will maybe difficult for you relationship wise because you set yourself up to fall for the man who gives you a feeling or emotional experience instead of the man who can help you grow.
Still disagreew. I read it carefully and I even said I agree with some of these statements. I do not have a victim mentality. I completely know where my fault was and know where is the fault of another person. But no I do not justify his behavior. I may cut ties and forget, but there are conditions to forgiveness in my religion: forgiveness should be worked for and deserved. One condition is a word I am sorry, another condition is equitable remedy. True “sorry” brings forgiveness. And I did my best to stay friends and reconcile wounds. He did behave in an immature way and later said I blame entire world. Well an “I am sorry” would be enough. And I am Catholic. When I hurt someone I say sorry and do my best to minimize the pain I brought to a person. I had successfully reconciled with my past relationships, worked hard for friendship and in a result I am trusted and appreciated and likewise- I trust and appreciate. I look myself in the mirror and see no reason why I should feel wrong as I daily work on being a better person- just expact same from others. And yes I have disadvantages, one of them being a perfectionist. But I still think friendship and love was invented by God to make people happy. A solo person can be merely satisfied or smiling, but not happy. Simple example: if I am raped or beaten up how can I chose to be happy?
Lastly my grandma who is a cold and introverted person who never achieved any happy union with anyone always keeps saying “happiness is a choice of attitude”. She has no other option… my other grandma who was very happy in her life never said such a thing.
I also promise to read and watch more. And I apreciate you address both sexes, am sorry that part. Lastly we may disagree but I still think you make a good job helping people.
So true, we can really get mislead by our emotions, I had those for a good long time yet knew I was not ready and that was hard, has been hard, I have been alone not dating for a very long time yet know and understand I am not there just yet, so love has to wait and love is not enough and emotions are not enough and yet we cannot always put the emotions on hold when in fact we are emotional creatures, it is finding that balance of common sense and emotions together, women I think are rather trained to run with feelings more than common sense and you cannot really have a healthy relationship if your feelings are in the drivers seat.
I agree that our biggest problem in a relationship is that we put the other person in our God spot. What would it look like if two people came together not because they needed the other person, but because they love to love the other person. What if communion and fellowship with our creator satisfied our needs for love and affection? What if we were actually whole before we came together?
I am curious as to why you refer to sex as something casual in any relationship? Maybe I have misunderstood but sex is a sacred bond uniting a man and women for life. It is something enjoyed by those who are committed in a holy union. That might be a their problem right there, giving apart of themselves to someone outside of marriage.
http://www.adamluckey.com
Defiantly on to something there Adam, going against the grain was way too costly to ever go there again, Maybe for some people it is causal and we get told it should be and fall into terrible things we end up regretting for many many years, I was not made for causal sex, I would liked to have believed I was just to avoid going without, but going with was way too costly on my emotional help.. “If you know you need more do not settle for less just becasue it is the in thing for many, it may never be the in thing for you.”