There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1
One of the most asked questions I get is “When do I know I am ready for relationship?” There is no cookie cutter answer to this, but as always I will give my perspective based on what I have been through and past suggestions that have been successful. I want to stress we all have a love tank that needs to be filled, but we don’t have fill that tank through the opposite sex in the confines of an romantic relationship. The need for companionship often leads to developing unhealthy habits that only delay having a healthy relationship partner. When you can be happy alone, then you are ready for a relationship or marriage. Here are my 8 signs you are not ready for love:
1. You struggle with insecurities. Insecurities only make our relationships worse and not better. You will always have those situations where arguments and problems blow up because of insecurities. In some cases of insecurities you are only seeking the relationship because of your insecurities because it makes you feel better about yourself. I discuss this topic deeper in my blog “9 ways to overcome insecurities” click here.
2. You have not healed from past pains or bitterness. When we refuse to heal and forgive we allow the person in our past to have control over us. When you forgive you release that pain and the control it has over you. Holding anger from a past relationship will only make you bitter. I discuss this topic deeper in my blog “Healing before Love” click here. If bitterness is your issue read the blog “10 steps for overcoming bitterness and resentment.”
3. You have not taken responsibility for the part you played in the failure of your past relationships. We always hear people say “it was not my fault” or “he did this or she did that” the truth of the matter is that we are all participators in our pain- there are no victims. We have to always look ourselves in the mirror and ask the questions, what is wrong with me. And how can I improve to make my life better? I think we rarely see this type of deep introspection, but we often see the victim mentality. Good or bad your past relationships can make you a better person if you allow those experiences to inspire growth.
4. You don’t love yourself. Often people don’t understand what this truly means. Loving self doesn’t mean, “ I am doing me” or “It’s all about me”; that is simply an immature and selfish thought process. Loving self means you understand your self-worth and you do things daily to improve who you are and the lives of others around you. When you love yourself, you treat people kind and you seek a mutual oneness with those connected to you. When we seek relationships without loving self, our self-worth is tied to the connection of another person. Our self-worth goes up and down depending on how the person with whom we’re connected feels about us. So, when your relationship partner puts you down you believe what they say. Develop a health self-love before seeking relationships.
5. You’re selfish and have a critical spirit. Selfish people can’t love unconditionally, period, so this is something we must be mindful of. If you are selfish, you only love in the moment and once that moment is over, you are gone. When things are hard, difficult, or not your way, you bounce as well. A critical spirit is based in pride. When we are critical, we kill the spirit of other people. Work on these things before seeking a relationship.
6. You are fresh out of a relationship. This is a huge one! I see this far too often. Give yourself time to heal before rushing into a new relationship. I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who was not ready for a relationship, because she was not healed from her last one. Even before we got serious, I knew it was a bad idea and God even warned me, but I moved out of my human emotion. When we make emotional decisions, in most cases, it leaves us heart-broken. Rebound relationships may numb your pain, but will delay your healing. Give yourself time to heal. The longer the past relationship, the longer you need to take to heal. Learn more by listening to me discuss the issue. Click here
7. You can’t be happy alone. The ability to be happy alone is a prerequisite to being ready for a relationship or marriage. I discuss this deeper in my audio series. Click here.
8. You’re still dealing with your ex. Don’t pursue relationships with people if you are still dealing with your ex. It’s kind of sad that I even have to discuss this one, but of course we know people do this all the time. Make a decision about your ex before creating something new.
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Loved it! Keep teaching!
Kimeko,
thank you for your kind words..I will keep teaching!
i always wounder y my relationship was not going right about 5out of thos 8 are me i wish i can talk to sum one mor e about what im going thou bc sum times i need that chat
Reach out at get the help u need Amber
THIS WAS A BLESSING TO ME AND MY FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK..THANK U
Shermain,
Thank you! tell all your friends I said hello:-)
Great wisdom!
Lisa,
Thank u so much!
Definitely makes one ponder… #1, check. #2, needs work. #3 and so on… Absolutely helpful!
Raven,
Thank you…so glad it was helpful. Continue the process of going through the list and judging yourself…make the corrections…
This was helpful in keeping my mind in a certain perspective. I am new to following you but am looking forward to more helpful hints like these. May God continue to give you wisdom and guidance.
Welcome Janice,
I deeply appreciate you. I look fwd to you reading and commenting more in the future. Make sure you share anything that bless you friends and family. In Christ,Q
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Wow very profound. This is something I plan to share with my sisters and friends. We all at open point say when its time God will send us someone. We need to remember that our heavenly father helps those whom help themselves. Letting go of the past is important. As well as loving ones self. Thanks for making that point.
Hello Denna,
Thank you for the kind words…and I truly appreciate you sharing.
Good points made, enjoyed reading
I’m loving the part about ‘loving oneself’! Far too often we equate loving ourselves to negative habits, overindulging in food, liquor, partying and so forth. We have to learn that loving ourselves involves taking care of our minds and bodies. I will share!
This is sooo on point!! especially the insecurities part. can’t stand when women ask if a woman looks pretty just to say “u think so and so looks better than me”.
[…] relationships long before we are ready to be what we are expecting from someone else. In my blog “8 signs you’re not ready for a relationship,” I discuss things we must be honest about before seeking a relationship. I know we all, at times, […]
I’m new to your website and I believe there is a reason for everything. You inspired me to do a self examination of my life and I ran across this blog and I had to laugh at myself… but I’m still a work in progress praise God! Between prayer, your blogs and revelation…I’m on the right track to being fair to that person that will come in to my life one day as well as growing spiritually. Keep on with your calling Bro. McCall your thoughts will benefit many as I will continue to share!
Thank you Latasha,
Your words mean a lot to me..to God be the glory. I am so happy what God has given me has blessed your life in a wonderful way. We all are a work in process my friend, but the key is that you see the progress. I look fwd to future comments.
Been there, done that. Thanks for sharing!!!
[…] Finally, if you meet someone fresh out of a relationship, do yourself and them a favor and give them time… a lot of time… and do not rush into a relationship, because it will leave their heart broken and yours as well. If you would like more help read Relationship Coaching: Healing before love and 8 signs you’re not ready for a relationship. […]
Awesome! Helped me greatly! Thx God bless!
Hi, I loved your article. Reading it was like watching myself a few years ago. Prayers have helped to heal a lot of pain and anger and also allowed me to forgive. Thanks for your article. It was much appreciated. I shared it on Facebook and Twitter.
Hello June,
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you also for your sharing with your friends..truly means a lot to me…
What a blessing Quentin! Truly God has blessed you with wisdom to teach the masses! I have definately state this on facebook & twitter. There are a lot of single women and men that are desperately looking for a mate…however are clueless to the above, of what may be hindering them. Something to really think about. Thank you for sharing.
[…] https://quentinmccall.com/8-signs-youre-not-ready-for-a-relationship/ Eco World Content From Across The Internet. Featured on EcoPressed Solar-Powered Bulb Provides Light After Dark Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Leave a Comment by Im So Over Him! on September 22, 2011 • Permalink Posted in Uncategorized […]
Good stuff! I appreciate your wisdom. Many need to read this before pursuing a relationship. May God continue to bless you with unprecedented favor.
Thank you Kori
Hi, nos 7 and 8 really hit me but I still don’t know what to do. I’m super cautious of doing the right thing but at times I feel like the energy needed for a new relatiobship is so overwhelming that I’d rather stay safe, though I know God wants to take us out of our ‘comfort zone’. Right now I’m trusting God for grace not to hold back at the ‘right time’. Thanks for your article
Great wisdom, sound teaching. Thank you for sharing with us all. Definitely sharing with FB & Twitter fam/friends.
Thanks, this is a great tip, will share and let others know about it
Thank u Ella
This article is my life right now. I am in a relationship with a guy I was best friends with in high school and I have nothing but bitterness and anger caused by my last relationship. A relationship that ended almost 3 yrs ago! This article along with another one by Quentin McCall has really helped me to realize that I need to take a good look in the mirror at myself. Thank you for sharing you words, I needed them more than you know.
You are very welcome nester
Very well done and a great sharing. All eight points were right on. The two points that stood out the most to me were insecurity and being ok being alone. All too often, people gravitate towards another and unhealthy relationships to avoid his or her insecurities or the fear of being alone. A healthy you will attract a healthy mate.
Thank you Tracie…you are correct in your statements..
True Words!
Thank you Adia Kamaria for your kind words
Lol I guess my problem is because of my insecurities and that I’m new to this thing thanks!
True story! I tell people about #7 all the time.. it really says something if you can’t be happy by yourself. Good blog! 🙂
this is good!!! a must read for anybody seeking a relationship
Seriously! You need to have a book coming soon or a dating boot camp! This is right on time!
I want to read more about the selfish/critical spirit. Examples and more explanation of how to overcome such a characteristic if it applies.
Many thanks for an excellent article.
Well said. I appreciate you for writing this article.
I thank u sir, i truly need dis, ryt nw m feeling down, sad n depressed bcoz of ma relationship. De thing is evrytym im in a relationship i gve al my love 2 da guy bt in return i end up being hurt n its hard 4 me 2 move on
Thanks so much!! I have a friend who’s soo in love with herself.. She doesn’t see it as a problem though
Wow what a powerful teaching u hav here. Thanks u i trust that u msg wil save me in this situation am in. May God bless.
8 signs you’re not ready for a relationship. Click here> http://t.co/8lIAgQiz
I have a female friend, I’ve recently been out on a date with her, we’ve slept together, but had no sex though. I’ve reduced the way I call her, is there any sympthon of Love in this scenario.
This was powerful! And soo true! I forwarded to a friend.
Singleness: 8 signs you’re not ready for a relationship http://t.co/krpGQFdP via @quentinmccall
Hi Mr.Quentin, you are a blessing in disguise. I always asked God for answers to my question about how to be in a relationship. I am currently seeing a girl and I was attracted to her but I have my own set of issues which prevented me from having healthy relationships with . I hope that your points will help me to overcome my struggles and build a long lasting relationship with her and God.
am a lady who is full of hurts from my previous relationships..i had different guys who told me that they love me only to realise that they lied to me…leaving me miserable and out of hope concerning realtionships…am so full of sorrows and hurt when i think about this…*sad and broken heared*…..please help
God wil continue 2 bless in jesus name
I have a question about #3. I was in a relationship for 6 years with a man who is an alcoholic and drug abuser. While I accept that I sometimes came across as nagging or controlling throughout our time together, but I was trying to better myself during that time to put forth my best efforts to make our relationship work. Alas it didn’t. I couldn’t handle the drunken rage, the abuses, or the turmoil anymore and I had to get out. It’s hard in my perspective to see where I had any part in the failure of the relationship. I did my utmost to make it work to the point I was the only one holding us together for the last couple of years. My only regret is not leaving him sooner (although if I had, I wouldn’t have my precious son now, but that’s besides my point). I’ve been out of the relationship now for well over a year and I feel like I’m ready to move on… which is how I found this site. So my question is, am I being obtuse? Did anything I did play a part in the failure? I don’t want to bring any baggage into a new relationship and living in denial about what I did or didn’t do wrong could taint anything new. I don’t want my past failures to poison new pursuits. Thoughts?
It’s not easy to tell if you could have done more to save your relationship. The fact is that all relationships require hard work, sacrifice and patience to stick by in difficult times but there are certain things which are and should be deal breakers. Abuse, alcoholism and drug addiction are definitely on top of the list. You did well, probably, putting an end to that
relationship and you deserve to be commented for trying to make it work for such a long time. In the end you needed to put an end to it for the sake of your son. When kids are involved things get even more complicated. Don’t blame yourself.
This is very true, and unfortunately very uncommon, common knowledge. I wish every kid starting at the age of 12 received a copy of this, and re-read it every year. I think it would save a lot of people from a great deal of strife. Your publishings are phenomenal, cheers.
Its quite educative
This is perfect advice! I was trying to express to a friend why they’re not ready for a relationship and you laid it out very clearly! Thanks
Yeah… I lost girl because she wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I dont understand it, Im always ready.
The advice here may be wise but if I wait until I meet all the requirements on the least I might as well give up now and stay single for the rest of my life. I think nobody is really ready , in this sense, for a relationship. Life is so complicated, people are so complex, if u have a list for yourself or for others , I assume it will be very difficult to find a significant other. So what if I ‘ m not perfect, so what I struggle with all kinds of problems, some of which may take very long to conquer, I still deserve to be in a relationship, to have somebody whom I can show how caring I can be;maybe that person will love me in spite of my issues. This kind of advice is exactly the kind of advice that makes people idealize relationships and have unrealistic expectations for themselves and for others…take risks and work on your relationship while improving yourself ,time is precious,even short-termed relationships can be lessons we can learn from. Please don’ t put yourself on hold on account of not being ” text- book” ready. Please don’t do that to yourself or to potential partners. See things in th long run, keeping in mind that you have limited time. Thank you!
The goal of the article is not being text book ready it’s simply about people looking at the list and judging self in areas they need to improve. One surely shouldn’t look at the list and think I don’t have anything of this and then rationalize reasons not to grow and become better. Even if someone is all of these things doesn’t make them perfect and not even close to it. This is just the basics of what we all should work on improving and yes certain issues do need to be worked out for having serious relationships. A high character person always seek to be the best they can be before wanting to be in the life of someone else. Your comment speaks to something inside of yourself you need to work through. This is exactly the type of information people need to be accountability and judge self to grow and change. No man or woman will ever be perfect and nothing I write is about perfection is about growing and becoming a better human being. High caliber and high level people always seek growth and not reasons not to grow.
I rushed into a relationship after I broke up with my long-term ex. All of these things are things I’m still dealing with. I think about my ex, I still blame him, but now I’m starting to see how we were both in the wrong. I regret rushing into the new one, because I wasn’t ready, but he’s a great person. I’m going to bookmark this and work on those things, be better and try and move on… I just don’t want to screw up my chances with the new guy… he’s amazing.
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My one comment is under self-love. It sounds more like taking care of those in your life than self-love. Taking care of yourself involves respecting your body, mind, and spirit by means that include exercise, eating right, maintaining a positive attitude. All of these have selfish intentions to self-preservation for the sake of another human being you may have a relationship with— they have nothing to do with putting others first rather than yourself if it is a burden to do so. That’s my only contention with the article. Otherwise, bravo on the piece you have made for us to read.
nice teaching ,,have learnt alot.. Keep it up
I know I’m commenting on this a few years after it’s publication.. But I have high hopes you will respond to me anyway… Because I have a question.
I was in a very serious relationship for a couple of years with a man who was a member of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints while I was a new Christian, and young girl. I studied his church and beliefs a lot, and although I respected them for many things- did not agree. He led me to believe he would look into my beliefs and pray about the differences in our faiths- but refused to do so when I asked him about it. Even so, we had a very strong relationship and he was very marriage-oriented once I was old enough to consider such things. However, after a near death experience- I reevaluated my priorities and decided I couldn’t do the mixed- relationship thing any longer because A) I was becoming bitter about his lack of commitment, which was preventing me from discussing my faith with him in love, and I was becoming too harsh and critical despite the fact that that was against all I believed in, and that wasn’t fair to him, and B) I needed a spiritual leader that I could really respect and rely on to direct me toward God, and settling for a relationship where That role wasn’t being filled was unfair to me. So neither of us were getting the relationship we should have, or growing in love in the way that all people need. So I ended it, and we decided that being unequally yoked was not good for either of us- but we would maintain that friendship even though it would no longer be romantic as we focused on drawing closer to God instead.
Shortly after, I started dating a good friend that was very strong in his same faith, and shared many of my interests/helped in the church with me. I was still in contact with my ex- who had taken what I’d said into serious consideration and began attending classes at my church to learn more even though he wasn’t planning on converting. We prayed a lot prior to starting a relationship- and I so believe that pursuing that with him was in alignment with God’s timing. However, being fresh out of the hospital and a break up- I’m now afraid I maybe should have waited and acted out of God’s timing.
I still have a friendship with my ex- though it was rocky for a while as he wanted us to get back together despite my new relationship, but I do try to keep my distance and keep it very friend-only. My boyfriend and I pray seperately and together, and being with him pulls me much closer to God. But we also have an incredible relationship, romantically, and a very strong friendship. We haven’t been dating long enough for me to say he is the one for me, but the possibility of marriage down the road is a very real possibility. (I’m only eighteen right now, though, so I would like to wait until I’m at least twenty so the two years of infatuation/hormones have simmered down and we can make sure that we are together because we are choosing to grow together as a couple under Christ, and that love is not emotional- but really strong. I can see him in my future so strongly, now, I iust want to make sure I’m not hurtin him or our relationship in any way because I impulsively launched into it too quickly. What should I do?
A great piece of information, especially when u said we need to be happy with ourself first and to have a self worth, thanks a lot God bless you sir.
This is some truly powerful wisdom here. I almost wasn’t able to give a thorough read-through because it instantly brought my awareness to quite a few wounds of mine that have remained unhealed for years. Awareness of the *presence* of an issue has never been difficult for me but pinpointing exactly what the issue is always a different task entirely. It doesn’t help either that other Individuals of my age group may experience the exact same types of issues but no one shares it (heck they may not even be aware!). This article really helped kickstart the process of healing and I really appreciate you for sharing!
Why is this stuff so hard, I mean H A R D!!!!!!!!! I mean a higher mountain than Everest? All the exercises I hear are prayer or write down and journal positive affirmations…yet the sucky feelings rebound over and over again….constantly coming back. It seems. I know it is more than positive wishful thinking…but this stuff is tough. Also…that same frustration…the ones I am attracted to…are not attracted to me. The ones attracted to me, I am not attracted to. Dr. Cloud and Townsend never answer this question directly…is it because there is no answer?