We attract the wrong man or woman mainly because we expect from people what we are not. Often we seek relationships long before we are ready to be what we are expecting from someone else. In my blog “8 signs you’re not ready for a relationship,” I discuss things we must be honest about before seeking a relationship. I know we all, at times, don’t understand why we are single or why we feel alone in our singleness, but singleness can be a great blessing (see “ 9 reasons singleness is good for you”). For those of you who are truly ready for love, I want to encourage you to be the lover you wish you had.
So what exactly does this mean? It means that whatever you are expecting from someone else, you need to be that person. For example, here are a few characteristics I look for in a woman:
• A woman of God
• Consistent prayer life
• Affirms me
• Allows me to be human
• Can love me unconditionally
• Can encourage me
• Prays with me
• Serves God with me
• Listens to all my fears, weaknesses and doubts without judging me
• Reminds me of who I am to her when my actions say I have forgotten
• Patient and understanding
• Can speak my love language
• I can trust her with my secrets
Do you desire someone to love you like this? Do you desire someone with these characteristics? If you want this type of relationship or characteristics in someone, you must be the lover you wish you had. Remember, the Bible teaches us we reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7-8)
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Great article and so very on point. We need to be ready to put out what we want. What I have found as well is that people create these characteristics that they know they can commit to but get with someone that doesn’t have ALL the same characteristics and end up compromising. We all know we can’t force anyone to change. Some people feel that if they just show that person what they want, the other person will someday have an “aha” moment and begin to reciprocate the same. A person may appear to be everything you are looking for. No litmus test, interview for the position, or great reference will fully allow you to know what you are getting especially if that person is unsure of what they want as well. The “list” is what I call it; how much are we willing to compromise to have someone? Or, is there an order of importance of the items we seek to impart in a person and hope they reciprocate the same?
So of course it ultimately boils back to “you attract who you are”.
Psalm 37:4 Says delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of you heart, commit yourself unto HIM, trust in and he will do it.
I am big believer in focusing on common values and character my friend. If those two things are there you are at 80%
This is what I call “good food.” I certainly wish there was more because it felt like an appetizer lol. I say this because I do believe that attracting the wrong people goes a lot deeper, stemming from deep down within. In my opinion, men/women carry an aura/vibe…or a (spiritual) fragrance. Whatever a person is harboring on the inside, that fragrance is released and they attract people who are attracted to that fragrance. A woman who has low self esteem will attract men who will are abusive, liars, cheaters etc. You may ask how I figured this? I’m just very observant. I observe the men who find the liberty to approach me vs the men who choose not to – not just in my life but my family, friends, co-workers etc. I’ve listened to women complain about this issue, and after analyzing what’s going on on their insides, I understood why they constantly find themselves struggling with this issue. But that’s my two-cents. I’m no expert…just an observer. I love your articles and your tweets…God bless and continue to give you wisdom:)
You are correct and this is discussed in other blogs I’ve written. The entire purpose of everything I write is not just shine a light on the issues, but most importantly give solutions. In changing it gives me the root cause of their problem man or woman which will lead to having a better life. So the player…like I used to be can become a wonderful husband and father. The woman having sex because her self -esteem is low can one day help other women heal and overcome. Healing is the goal, not to continue in the negative behavior….thank you for your kind words.
Thanks for this great blog post Quentin!! I agree that we attract people that match us in some way, whether it’s our true nature or hidden deep inside. We are all energetic beings and we attract into our energy field whatever is a match to what we are vibrating. Often you’ll hear someone say “I don’t know why I keep attracting women/men that are (fill in the blank)” It would be great if they spent time soul searching and looking deep inside to understand the why….and then decide to choose differently.
I believe in practicing acts of self love and celebrating the woman that I am. Also, it was helpful to me in creating a list as well of what’s important to me in a mate. I think if more people made a habit of doing the same it would bring so much enlightenment and love into their lives. Love of self is most important.
Quentin, you are an excellent writer and I enjoy reading your blog posts! I love the way you write just enough to inspire the reader to dig deep and think about the subject matter. Also, I know this post was written for “romantic relationships” but this is also very true with our social and business relationships as well.
Hello Melissa,
Thank you for such powerful and encouraging words! Your encouragement means a lot and a deeply appreciate it. I amazed at the introspection you have about my writing. To God be the glory….. I agree with everything you have written concerning attractions of the same spirit…
That was awesome. That was true revelation! I will be putting it to practice.
Hello Valeria,
Please do because the power is always in the implementing
Wow, I just told someone this today cuz she constantly male bashes…how can or why would one expect certain things that they’re not willing to be??, great article
Thank you so much for sharing this article! This is confirmation from the Holy Spirit because I have been praying a lot lately that I will be able to take advantage of this time of preparation in my singleness so that I can become what I am praying for. It does seem a little tough at times, but it is very necessary to take an inward inventory first (sometimes I have to force myself) before asking for someone that will be to me what I am not able to offer in return. Why? Because I have to remember that the exact same thing that I am praying for, my future mate may also be in prayer for. And if that is the case, then the very first thing that I ask God is to help me to be the answer to their prayers. I don’t want to marry anybody knowing that I won’t be able to fulfill their need for anything! Marriage is a two-way street, not a one-way highway. So, I think God for putting me through the hard stuff now so that the next season in my life will be one that I AND my future mate will be blessed to enjoy without all the unnecessary heartache that would result if neither of us was ready to step up to the plate. Yes, we all have our list of potential characteristics for our future mates, but those same items should be on our personal lists, Things That I Need to Have for My Future Mate. The latter list is the one that we should be focused on in this season of our lives and God will take care of preparing the former list all in due season. God is truly amazing!
God bless you, Quentin! I pray that God continues to speak through you to bless us all.
Thank you for all your articles… and tweets =) I learn a lot from them. I agree totally, who I am supposed to be now lol! May God keep using you sir!
Rgrds,
Mercy Nguyo
NRB, Kenya
Too many are in a hurry to have a mate instead of a helpmeet. There is a big difference between the two. Anyone can be a mate or companion. A helpmeet is a woman He created for a particular man and his distinct needs. He knows what that man is called to do and only his helpmeet can help him accomplish it.
When it’s right that woman will have deep insight into her man and understand things a mere companion cannot. We won’t even talk about the love that flows between them. The God who wrote Genesis and judged the first couple for Sin also wrote Song of Songs; a book every woman should study to see the love Yah desires a man and woman to experience, but also the troubles and weaknesses. Yet, the end of the matter is, Love is as strong as death. That’s powerful.
Great article
Blessings…